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environment can affect children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 119304" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jen, </p><p></p><p>I had a long "sisterly" post all written out. All of it was informative, and some of it was a little okay a LOT straight forward, but all was done with the idea that if you want to continue to believe that your boyfriend is not abusive, controlling, and manipulative - there is little I can write to change your mind. I know - years ago - I lived through alot to get as wise and sage about situations like yours (and mine) and I've paid a very dear price with my life, and my child's behavior. </p><p></p><p>It took more years for me through therapy to STOP making the same mistakes in relationships I had up to my marriage. I vowed each time I left an abusive boyfriend, that the next one would be different. And ...it never was. I married the most abusive man I ever knew. I stayed in the relationship trying to "keep the peace" for 13 horrible years. I brought a child into the world and into that dysfunctional house and "hoped" I could "Appease" him and calm him and keep him from doing drugs, yelling, seeing other women - I LOVED him. I was going to CHANGE him. I was going to BE that ONE SINGLE PERSON out of 1,000's that DID change her man by staying there and NOT venturing away from the situation because what ever was out 'there' surely wasn't as good as what I had no matter how BAD it was - and I could deal with it. You think you're the same way - you think that things that YOU do will calm him down, and facilitate a change EVEN if it's just for the moment - you can't even be in the same house with him and he feels disconnected? GET OUT NOW - it's going to get much worse. </p><p></p><p>I found this poem - and it reminded me of you and your situation - I hope you enjoy it - I hope it makes you see yourself in a different light - and I hope you realize that there is a very large difference between being strong enough to leave and strong enough to stay. </p><p></p><p>I hope you find a way to do your move WITHOUT leaning on a friend, boyfriend - or anyone else that you may be forced to be romantically involved with. Your kids need you - and well YOU need you. Work on YOU first - help the kids along as you can, and don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire - get a plan together - </p><p></p><p>I will ad too -I think a call to your local domestic violence shelter for suggestions and help - just may prove to yourself that you don't need help like that - or maybe you do? </p><p></p><p>After a while </p><p></p><p>After a while you learn</p><p>the subtle difference between</p><p>holding a hand and chaining a soul</p><p>and you learn that love doesn ' t mean possession</p><p>and company doesn ' t mean security.</p><p>And you begin to learn that kisses aren ' t contracts</p><p>and presents aren ' t promises</p><p>and you begin to accept your defeats</p><p>with your head up and your eyes ahead</p><p>with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.</p><p>And you learn to build your roads today</p><p>because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans</p><p>and futures have ways of falling down in mid - flight.</p><p>After a while you learn that even sunshine burns</p><p>if you get too much</p><p>so you plant your own garden</p><p>and decorate your own soul</p><p>instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.</p><p>And you learn that you really can endure</p><p>that you really are strong</p><p>and you really do have worth</p><p>and you learn</p><p>and you learn </p><p></p><p>Veronica A. Shoffstall</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 119304, member: 4964"] Jen, I had a long "sisterly" post all written out. All of it was informative, and some of it was a little okay a LOT straight forward, but all was done with the idea that if you want to continue to believe that your boyfriend is not abusive, controlling, and manipulative - there is little I can write to change your mind. I know - years ago - I lived through alot to get as wise and sage about situations like yours (and mine) and I've paid a very dear price with my life, and my child's behavior. It took more years for me through therapy to STOP making the same mistakes in relationships I had up to my marriage. I vowed each time I left an abusive boyfriend, that the next one would be different. And ...it never was. I married the most abusive man I ever knew. I stayed in the relationship trying to "keep the peace" for 13 horrible years. I brought a child into the world and into that dysfunctional house and "hoped" I could "Appease" him and calm him and keep him from doing drugs, yelling, seeing other women - I LOVED him. I was going to CHANGE him. I was going to BE that ONE SINGLE PERSON out of 1,000's that DID change her man by staying there and NOT venturing away from the situation because what ever was out 'there' surely wasn't as good as what I had no matter how BAD it was - and I could deal with it. You think you're the same way - you think that things that YOU do will calm him down, and facilitate a change EVEN if it's just for the moment - you can't even be in the same house with him and he feels disconnected? GET OUT NOW - it's going to get much worse. I found this poem - and it reminded me of you and your situation - I hope you enjoy it - I hope it makes you see yourself in a different light - and I hope you realize that there is a very large difference between being strong enough to leave and strong enough to stay. I hope you find a way to do your move WITHOUT leaning on a friend, boyfriend - or anyone else that you may be forced to be romantically involved with. Your kids need you - and well YOU need you. Work on YOU first - help the kids along as you can, and don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire - get a plan together - I will ad too -I think a call to your local domestic violence shelter for suggestions and help - just may prove to yourself that you don't need help like that - or maybe you do? After a while After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn ' t mean possession and company doesn ' t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren ' t contracts and presents aren ' t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid - flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn Veronica A. Shoffstall [/QUOTE]
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