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Estranged Are Making Contact
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 540830" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>TALAN, I guess the key for me in re-establishing a relationship with a difficult child is knowing your boundaries before you venture in.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child and I were never estranged as such, although our relationship was terribly strained for a long time. He violated my trust terribly, caused intense pain and trouble to me, my husband and our other children, and generally tore up our lives for a number of years. Once the dust settled, and we got difficult child into an adult-assisted-living program, I had some time (years) to figure out what kind of relationship I wanted to have with him. I determined my boundaries, made them clear to difficult child, and have stuck to them ever since.</p><p></p><p>As to the question of trust, difficult child breached my trust very badly, to the point that I do not believe anything he says unless I have independent corroboration from a source that cannot be influenced by his input. (For example: if I hear it from someone else, and difficult child has spoken to them, it's not independent corroboration. If I see it with my own eyes, it IS.) difficult child knows this. He doesn't like it, but he knows it it is one of the terms of our new relationship. If he wants a relationship with me, he has to accept this. And he does.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion for you would be to tread slowly and lightly. Figure out what sort of relationship you want with your children, identify your boundaries, and go slowly forward from there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 540830, member: 3907"] TALAN, I guess the key for me in re-establishing a relationship with a difficult child is knowing your boundaries before you venture in. My difficult child and I were never estranged as such, although our relationship was terribly strained for a long time. He violated my trust terribly, caused intense pain and trouble to me, my husband and our other children, and generally tore up our lives for a number of years. Once the dust settled, and we got difficult child into an adult-assisted-living program, I had some time (years) to figure out what kind of relationship I wanted to have with him. I determined my boundaries, made them clear to difficult child, and have stuck to them ever since. As to the question of trust, difficult child breached my trust very badly, to the point that I do not believe anything he says unless I have independent corroboration from a source that cannot be influenced by his input. (For example: if I hear it from someone else, and difficult child has spoken to them, it's not independent corroboration. If I see it with my own eyes, it IS.) difficult child knows this. He doesn't like it, but he knows it it is one of the terms of our new relationship. If he wants a relationship with me, he has to accept this. And he does. My suggestion for you would be to tread slowly and lightly. Figure out what sort of relationship you want with your children, identify your boundaries, and go slowly forward from there. [/QUOTE]
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