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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 541049" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>With regard to a heartfelt apology, I agree with CrazyInVA and some of the others that it may never happen.</p><p></p><p>In my case, my difficult child doesn't really understand what an apology means. He knows that "If you do something bad you say 'sorry' to make it better", but he doesn't understand that merely saying sorry doesn't repair the damage he caused in the first place, nor does he understand why I'm still upset after he's gone through the "sorry" ritual. I think the concept is beyond his understanding. He just doesn't have the emotional connectedness to get this.</p><p></p><p>So, I don't expect apologies from him, heartfelt OR pro forma, because they will always be pro forma and nothing more. I just manage my behaviour and expectations so as to limit the damage he can do. There are clear rules for him such as:</p><p>- You are not allowed to be near the young ones when you are off your medications, being defiant or behaving improperly (and I decide what constitutes "improperly").</p><p>- If you would like to borrow something of mine, you ask first, accept "no" as an answer, and if the answer is "yes", treat the item with due care and return it in the same condition it left. If that means taking something broken to be repaired before you get home, then do that.</p><p>- I will not interact with you if you are being defiant or unpleasant, or behaving improperly. Either I will leave or I will ask you to leave.</p><p></p><p>You get the idea. I have established clear rules for difficult child, with no exceptions. He doesn't do well with ambiguity, fine details or inconsistency, so I don't give him any. In a nutshell, when the relationship was defined on difficult child's terms it did not go well at all. So, when I was ready to re-establish it, I made sure it was on my terms. </p><p></p><p>Whatever level of contact you have with your difficult children, you have to understand what your terms and boundaries are. It might be worth deciding what sort of relationship you want and what kind of treatment you will accept now, before your next interaction with them. The worst thing is to be caught flat-footed without a plan of action when you're dealing with this sort of thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 541049, member: 3907"] With regard to a heartfelt apology, I agree with CrazyInVA and some of the others that it may never happen. In my case, my difficult child doesn't really understand what an apology means. He knows that "If you do something bad you say 'sorry' to make it better", but he doesn't understand that merely saying sorry doesn't repair the damage he caused in the first place, nor does he understand why I'm still upset after he's gone through the "sorry" ritual. I think the concept is beyond his understanding. He just doesn't have the emotional connectedness to get this. So, I don't expect apologies from him, heartfelt OR pro forma, because they will always be pro forma and nothing more. I just manage my behaviour and expectations so as to limit the damage he can do. There are clear rules for him such as: - You are not allowed to be near the young ones when you are off your medications, being defiant or behaving improperly (and I decide what constitutes "improperly"). - If you would like to borrow something of mine, you ask first, accept "no" as an answer, and if the answer is "yes", treat the item with due care and return it in the same condition it left. If that means taking something broken to be repaired before you get home, then do that. - I will not interact with you if you are being defiant or unpleasant, or behaving improperly. Either I will leave or I will ask you to leave. You get the idea. I have established clear rules for difficult child, with no exceptions. He doesn't do well with ambiguity, fine details or inconsistency, so I don't give him any. In a nutshell, when the relationship was defined on difficult child's terms it did not go well at all. So, when I was ready to re-establish it, I made sure it was on my terms. Whatever level of contact you have with your difficult children, you have to understand what your terms and boundaries are. It might be worth deciding what sort of relationship you want and what kind of treatment you will accept now, before your next interaction with them. The worst thing is to be caught flat-footed without a plan of action when you're dealing with this sort of thing. [/QUOTE]
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