Even though.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiapet, May 28, 2010.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    she's graduating with honors (and just got awarded second languages lifetime learner award on Thursday because she's taken 4 years of Latin and some french as well and will continue the Latin in college as well as other "ancient languages") and I know how incredibly smart, talented, unique and...and.... so many things and I'm so darned proud of her that I could spit......(yet she has the self esteem of a gnat but displays herself like a peacock with puffed up feathers to cover up the lack of self esteem).....

    I also have to remind myself from time to time (or rather she does boldly) that she does have BiPolar (BP) too. OMG! I don't know what kind of rollercoaster we are on and actually have been on for several months that I have slowly been watching, quietly up until recently. I just can not take it anymore and have been from time to time, pushing back to the mouthy, entitlement-like attitude (not helping as much as she should be or said she would but hand out ready for the taking/asking).

    Tonight was brutal! I flat out asked her what the heck has gotten into her and why is she treating me the way she is. She's gone from thinking pretty highly of me in early teen years, to decently and still respecting me through the teen years, to "I'm 18 and I'm leaving soon and I hate being here (which I can understand because of the other difficult children)". What I can not understand is why she is treating ME so horrendously as I am the one who has always done for her, had her back, helped her, stood up for her, etc...

    Over the last year a few times when angry she has thrown up at me how I placed her inpatient at 6yr. That was soo long ago and she is angry at me NOW for it? IS this why she is treating me this way? She is also in the mood of "what's the point?" Like life has no purpose, nothing has no purpose. She does seem depressed but at the same time she doesn't. It also seems to be her attention seeking behaviors that she also can display. I'm seriously questioning my ability to accurately judge how bad off she may be anymore. I can't do anything because of her age. I can't force her into therapy at all (she wouldn't go anyway, but I did tell her I thought she needed help).

    I have "theories" as to the sudden changes but nothing concrete or proof. Or is it just BiPolar (BP) suddenly flaring it's ugly head after so long of stability? I don't know really and it's a shame/scary not knowing which it is or if she is serious in her line of thinking. If it's the BiPolar (BP) and she's serious, well then we're in for some big problems agfraid, maybe catastophic and I won't know it when it does because they'll be no warning (other then what I'm seeing now).

    I really hate having my hands tied and this new "adult" age business!!! *big heavy hearted sigh*:(
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Our therapist told us that M lashed out at me more as he got older because it was his way of cutting the apron strings. He couldn't find a way to show me that he was mature enough to take care of himself, but he didn't want to be "momma's boy" anymore. He knew he couldn't convince me that he could take care of himself, so he would do what he could to make me walk away from him by making me hate him.

    It helped me to look at it that way. It was logical and it made sense. It didn't make it much easier to take, but it made it easier for me to detach. I hope things will get easier for you both. Those are hard times.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I agree with Witz. Some of the ABSOLUTE and UGLIEST knock down, drag out - horrific verbal and sadly physical confrontations with myself and Dude I thought were over pre- 16, 17 years of age. But Whoa Nelly. 18 and 19 HAD to be without a doubt the absolute worst ever. Just when we thought things were settling down, and he was gaining a modicum of maturation? He went haywire, was in my face...MY FACE, and had this overwhelming need to bring up things from the past. However when I brought up things from the past? I could stuff it. That was IN THE PAST, HOW DARE I SPEAK OF THE PAST. It was like talking to Jekkyl and reasoning with Hyde.

    After he moved out and we said NO you can't come back, NO you can't come visit? I won't deny to you or anyone that a large part of me would have opened my door at anytime and said "Sure, come home...We'll figure this out somehow." Which would have only invited more problems for both of us. Granted you and I both know he's made some whopper dumb-dumb decisions, but not ALL of his decisions and choices have been bad or poor. It was very much like he had to be completely and UTTERLY away from ME...and do it all on his own - without any assistance whatsoever...to feel () much like he had a brain.

    I don't know why, I don't think we ever 'made' him feel like that. I'm sure of it. But what goes on in a difficult child's mind is so unpredictable. A teens mind is bad enough. As for counseling? Sure - I think we could ALL use some....who wouldnt' benefit from talking to someone once in a while about bottled up junk and just blowing their cork? But who wants to admit ever they need help? ESPECIALLY NOT a teen. This is like - I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN all over again. You hope....you're proud, and eventually she'll be fine.

    I am so proud of her. I'm calling her BB. Beauty and Brains Tell her Her Auntie Star said Hi.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Our very ugliest difficult child times took place between 17.5 and 18.5. She will be 19 in three weeks and, while I can't say things are perfect, I can say I'm enjoying a bit of a lull. I feel for you. I, too, have run the gamut between coolest mom on the planet to tolerable to horrific alien. My difficult child has told people that she was thrown out of the house (at 17 -not true, of course) That she lived in fear that I'd commit suicde after her dad left (not even close, believe me). And, often, she'd do this while being very sweet to my face.

    Witz nailed it about the apron strings and the behavior. I think a lot of kids go through this and our difficult children seem to go through it - like everything else - tenfold.

    Hang in there.
  5. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Thanks. Sometimes I think it is that, her trying to break away. In fact going back about 4 years ago her therapist thought she was getting mean to me because it was her way of trying to put distance between us because she was *preparing* incase I would die ( I have serious health problems that could make this reality). So this is no so far of a stretch between the apron strings idea and going back to what therapist said as well because my health has taken a turn worse in the last year or so and she's watched the decline. Perhaps she is scared, even more again plus the idea of going off to college (all the anxieties she's having) and preparing to be on her own.

    I'll try to keep this all in mind but geeeshhhhhhh! This is no way to live and if she really thought I am going to die, you'd think she'd want to make this time the best it could be, not the worst. No? *sigh*
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have always said that teens become horrific, ugly creatures so that we wont feel badly when they leave. I mean really, if they were lovely, sweet, adorable babies we would never want them to leave home would we? How could we want to send those little smiling toddlers out into the big bad world? Nope...but we can send those snarling, snapping moody teens out! LOL.
  7. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I agree with the wanting to cutting the apron strings too.

    Plus...I once read a book ( Things That Go Bump in the Night: How to Help Children Resolve Their Natural Fears ~ Paul Warren and Frank Minirth ) about the innate fears that humans have from infancy thru early adulthood. In the book, it talked about this age group. Even though they want their independance, they have this innate fear that we won't be there when they need us. That we won't protect them from themselves. Because of this, they will act out a lot.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    tiapet...if your child has BiPolar (BP), medications and therapy are extra important
    Sounds like she is doing fairly well...but has great difficulty during stressful times
    Transition periods can be ROUGH!
    Mom2...that book sounds great!