Babyblue,
I want to welcome you to the community, naturally. This is a place where you can come, unload, talk about things that perhaps no one else would understand and possibly if you pay attention take away something for yourself and eventually leave something for someone new.
I've neglected to comment on your earlier posts because it is not my intention to make you feel bad and sometimes I can come off a tad strong, but it's with the best of intentions. And I found myself wanting to say things to you that initially you may not have found helpful. After the majority of your posts has been so negative I want to offer you some insight.
What you do with your life is ultimately your businss. How you handle yourself, and how it will affect your child is also your business until you bring it to a community and post with questions and wonder. And that can be a good thing if you are open to suggestions to improve yourself. Everyone has self-doubt, it's human nature. To continually have self doubt and be continually sorry about your present state is not healthy. And believe me I know.
So here's where the pavement meets the road for me with regards to you. I have had a choice to post comments and advice in your prior posts and really have waited until I felt I could offer you some advice that would be helpful. So here goes. Please keep in mind that it is NOT my intention to hurt you, but to offer advice that will get you to a place where you can stop being so negative about your life, your circumstances and bring about a postitive change in your day to day living BECAUSE.......I have been there. And now, I'm not and my life is better for it. My son is better for it. It would be my great hope that you walk away from my post knowing that I care, and I care enough to not patronize you or belittle your situation.
You are in a bad spot. You may think that you are in a bad spot physically (where you life, how things around you are happening) but you are in a worse spot mentally. The between the lines message you are sending out is that you are miserable with your situation, your life and most of all yourself. Not hard to see why. You aren't feeling well, you lost your husband recently and you are suffering from that, your son is falling into a pattern of bad behaviors, and you are financially broke, and getting assistance for food and borrowing money from your family in Ohio.
The freaky thing here is that with the exception of the death of your husband - 12 years ago I could have been you. See I lived in Florida, I had no money, I had no support, I have family IN Ohio, my son was out of control, I had no one and I was basically living day to day in perpetual misery and self-pity. Because I did NOT get proper support from my husband or his family - any little kindness I got outside of that circle was addicting. I had people feeling sorry for me and wishing me well (patronizing) my situation and it got to the point where I needed THEIR pity to survive and make it another day. Not healthy, and not a good thing to model for your kid.
Like I said - keep in mind you do what you want to do, but sister I'm telling you that you are in a rutt so deep that you're the ONLY person that can stop the cycle, climb out and start living. Currently YOU are existing. You're not living, you dont' have a good life - you're miserable and no one can fix that BUT YOU. And you say Oh yeah Star well you don't know a thing - and I would say - OH yeah, well I do - And if I hadn't lived your life and moved forward - I couldn't tell you to do it.
STOP allowing yourself the right to feel sorry for you. You post things like Well I finally had a good day. FINALLY? TELL YOURSELF that every day you are alive and have a child that is healthy despite the disorders IS a good day. You post sad things continually that drag you down. And you get posts and responses here that say "Hey it's okay, you'll make it, you'll be okay, and the people posting these things MEAN IT. But you're not getting the bigger picture. WE WANT you to get out of that rut. WE WANT you to be successful, WE WANT YOU to stop being so down on yourself and START to realize that BABY BLUE IS A PERSON WHO DESERVES THE WORLD!!!!! But no one is going to give it to you. There is no prince charming and speaking of princes - have you found yours? Does your boyfriend LIFT YOU UP or Bring you down? And I'm only asking this in general - but wouldn't YOUR life be more enhanced if YOU were the one taking care of YOU? I don't see where having to ask your Dad to send money to help YOU and him out since he lives with you is HELPING YOU. AND like I said before - been there done that and actually got my parents to pay for the rent, send me money for his (my x's) BAIL....(argh what a dope I was) I think when I found out that my parents sent their savings to pay for my lights and money for food - that was the last straw. But like you they didn't want their grandson to be in 110 degree heat in a house.
Can you go home? Your Dad seems like he's willing to help you and your son. And while I dont' know that anyone could understand having a boyfriend and mouring a husband. I do to a point. I think I could understand it better if the boyfriend was financially supporting you and not the other way around. I TOTALLY get that you need someone, but honey if you dont' figure out how to rely on yourself NOW - you're life is going to be one miserable series of self-induced events after another. You need to stand up for yourself and TELL YOURSELF every day that TODAY IS A GOOD DAY, IT'S A GIFT, IT'S A DAY MADE JUST FOR ME and find a way to convince yourself that the needy, pity talk is GOING GOING GONE.
Do I ever feel like I don't matter? HELL NO. I matter every day. In some way to some person, for some reason...I MATTER. If I felt as long as you did that I did not matter I would find a counseling place (ALL COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH CENTERS PROVIDE FREE COUNSELING IF YOU ARE ON FOODSTAMPS). I would educate myself on what services are available IN MY AREA. I've seen people here pour out their hearts and give you a hand up in suggesting Churches and local area food banks, and if you were specific in your requests we have all been down and out and would probably even be able to look up phone numbers for specific county offices that would pay 1 electric bill, or offer help with daycare, or offer free summercamps for your son. Or help you find local workshops for FREE self-help and improvements.
But it has GOT to start with you. And I am so glad that you are here. I am SO glad that you are reaching out for support. But when you reach out for that support it also tells me that you WANT to help yourself, but you just dont' know how. You're looking for some kind of guidance BECAUSE you may not even know that you are tired of being so sad.
Loosing a husband or mate is huge. It's depressing. And there are crisis intervention places and grief counseling groups that meet weekly so that you KNOW you are not alone in this. Call your local hospital and ask them if they know where a grief /loss group meets and GO. MAKE YOURSELF GO.
Call your local Salvation Army and ask them if they can point you to some food pantries in your area that will offer you clothes, food, furniture if you need it. Find out where your local food bank is, most are purposely ON bus lines.
You said you dont' have a phone - but you have internet. Maybe they haven't shut your internet off yet - so get these numbers NOW before you are left without internet access. If you are getting your phone through cable service - HAVE the cable turned off and use that money for a phone to get a job. When you get back on your feet get your cable hooked up again.
If you can't do that - then go to the Dollar Store and buy a cheap Track phone. Borrow the money if you need to and get the card that has FREE double lifetime renewable minutes so that when you do /can buy 60 minute card - you actually get 120 minutes.
Find out WHICH churches in your area offer assistance or will help you pay the water, light, phone bill. Tell them your situation.
This is YOUR life, this is YOUR time.....what you do today to help yourself and get out of the BLUES will move you forward and start to be the first day of your life that you KNOW YOU ARE LOVED, and CARED for, AND APPRECIATED, AND NEEDED, and that you have a reason to be sad, BUT it doesn't need to be a permanent thing. I'm not going to tell you it's easy. But I will tell you that there are MANY of us here who have been where you are and WANT TO SEE YOU AND YOUR SON LIVE AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.
WHAT can we do to help you move forward? Can WE locate places that will help you UP? You can PM me with your address and I'll find resources for you if you'd like me to. And I would be happy to do it to help you. See i was you once, but I refuse to see a person reaching out just continue to reach out without results, because that being addicted to feeling down and getting pity thing I was talking about? It's pretty real, but I gotta tell you kid - WHEN YOU STAND UP for yourself and look back on your life in 10 years and think - You know Star made me pretty mad, but I showed her = then I'll just smile. YOU CAN. YOU CAN. YOU CAN.
I'm here if you need me. And I'll be here if you hate me. But I'm here - and I'm happy to tell you that after living through a very bad life - I do matter.
Hugs & Love
Star
ps and that other board that hasn't responded to you? DO NOT let THAT be a ruler by which you measure if you are important or NOT. YOU DO MATTER. I would not even begin to guess why anyone would or would not post to you there but people post to you here and we care. So either give it more time there, OR find a grief counseling group that CAN give you what you need.
