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ever say something terrible to difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 396426" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have also done it. We are only human and are in the kind of pressure cooker parenting that very few people even know exists. Sometimes we boil over and say or do something we regret later. Then we are super upset with ourselves which increases the pressure. Add to that the way some difficult children will NOT allow us to get away from them to get time to cool off, and it can be a nasty cycle.</p><p> </p><p>I was REALLY bad about this for a while. I would be fine and then suddenly (in my mind) just not be able to cool my temper. I found quite a few different ways to help myself, starting with recognizing the warning signs in my body that signalled the buildup of anger and rage. I found the book, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill and it was a HUGE help. It has a Christian orientation, but is one that several of my friends who are either Buddhist or Muslim were able to use for help with this issue also. It really helped me see my warning signs MUCH earlier than I ever could before. I also found a LOT of help from the Love and Logic books. They helped me work <em>with</em> my husband using natural, logical consequences and they helped us see that we could actually plan ahead for how to handle the issues we were tackling. </p><p> </p><p>There are very distinct changes in your body that happen when you are getting angry. By figuring these out and learning to identify how they felt and how to identify them as they were beginning rather than figuring out later, I was able to make some really huge changes in not just my parenting but in EVERY aspect of my life. </p><p> </p><p>I was raised in a house where people yelled. Heck, every parent on our block growing up yelled. As kids we would even sometimes go call a friend out to play if we heard yelling because we ALL knew how it felt. As an adult I didn't really see that yelling was not a great parenting style - it was what I knew. Changing that made HUGE changes in how my family felt and acted. </p><p> </p><p>None of this meant that I never said things I regretted later. I still do sometimes. in my opinion it teaches our kids that it is okay to admit to a mistake and to apologize for it. Learning to manage my anger better let the kids see that it IS possible to learn to handle anger in a healthy way.</p><p> </p><p>As women we are anger-handicapped. Little girls are supposed to be all sugar and sweetness, with just a little bit of spice. We are not taught that it is okay to be angry. Many of us come from families where we were not ever supposed to get angry - regardless of the provocation. So when we get angry, lose our tempers, we then turn our anger and rage inward. It is something we need to think about, and to think about what we want our children to learn about. Hopefully our daughters will know that it is normal and natural to get angry, and there are healthy ways to work through that anger. Our sons need to learn that anger can be healthy, depending on how it is expressed.</p><p> </p><p>I hope this helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 396426, member: 1233"] I have also done it. We are only human and are in the kind of pressure cooker parenting that very few people even know exists. Sometimes we boil over and say or do something we regret later. Then we are super upset with ourselves which increases the pressure. Add to that the way some difficult children will NOT allow us to get away from them to get time to cool off, and it can be a nasty cycle. I was REALLY bad about this for a while. I would be fine and then suddenly (in my mind) just not be able to cool my temper. I found quite a few different ways to help myself, starting with recognizing the warning signs in my body that signalled the buildup of anger and rage. I found the book, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill and it was a HUGE help. It has a Christian orientation, but is one that several of my friends who are either Buddhist or Muslim were able to use for help with this issue also. It really helped me see my warning signs MUCH earlier than I ever could before. I also found a LOT of help from the Love and Logic books. They helped me work [I]with[/I] my husband using natural, logical consequences and they helped us see that we could actually plan ahead for how to handle the issues we were tackling. There are very distinct changes in your body that happen when you are getting angry. By figuring these out and learning to identify how they felt and how to identify them as they were beginning rather than figuring out later, I was able to make some really huge changes in not just my parenting but in EVERY aspect of my life. I was raised in a house where people yelled. Heck, every parent on our block growing up yelled. As kids we would even sometimes go call a friend out to play if we heard yelling because we ALL knew how it felt. As an adult I didn't really see that yelling was not a great parenting style - it was what I knew. Changing that made HUGE changes in how my family felt and acted. None of this meant that I never said things I regretted later. I still do sometimes. in my opinion it teaches our kids that it is okay to admit to a mistake and to apologize for it. Learning to manage my anger better let the kids see that it IS possible to learn to handle anger in a healthy way. As women we are anger-handicapped. Little girls are supposed to be all sugar and sweetness, with just a little bit of spice. We are not taught that it is okay to be angry. Many of us come from families where we were not ever supposed to get angry - regardless of the provocation. So when we get angry, lose our tempers, we then turn our anger and rage inward. It is something we need to think about, and to think about what we want our children to learn about. Hopefully our daughters will know that it is normal and natural to get angry, and there are healthy ways to work through that anger. Our sons need to learn that anger can be healthy, depending on how it is expressed. I hope this helps. [/QUOTE]
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