Ever wanted to just detach completely?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tinamarie1, May 8, 2007.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    So I know this is my second post for today but things just went from bad to worse. I got a call (for the 3rd time in 2 weeks) from the asst. principal this afternoon. Today he got into a fist fight with a 5th grader at recess (difficult child is in 3rd) Every single day is something bad...why why is it so hard for him to just go to school and freaking behave? I find myself being so filled with anger towards him that I can't find ANY thing positive to say to him, other than "I love you and good nite". I am so mad, discouraged, depressed about all things difficult child. Its reflected in my relationship with easy child and husband. How can I turn everything off and be intimate with- husband when I have had such a crappy day? How can I turn all smiles and giggles with easy child when I can't even force a smile on my face?
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    your son is only 9 so you cant detach completely yet.
    you can however try to get some rest time from him. sounds like with husband going active duty it may be hard to get some respite.
    can you tag team with another mom so you both get rest time?
    can you sign him for some after school programs to keep him busy?
    can you drop other stuff like housework and other stuff somewhat so you can be free to handle him. maybe make simple meals, pack a lunch and eat it outside??

    I so sympathize as I cannot remember having very many good days since ant was born. it is one adventure after another.
     
  3. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh, Hon, been there and doin' that. I hear you loud and clear. I'm discouraged and depressed over my difficult child's behavior all the time, too. I think the title of your thread says alot. Of course with our difficult child's their age play a huge part, but I've found if I don't detach to some degree, he (it) is going to eat me alive. To save some sanity, I had to detach some. I don't think there's a thing wrong with detaching as long as you remember that these children need us and we have to try as hard as we can to make a difference in their lives. You have to be sane and have some semblance of a clear head to help them, and in my case if I hadn't detached some I wouldn't be able to even understand when he might need me.
     
  4. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    OK. This is my first time to these boards and I don't know how to get all of my information on the bottom of post, nor do I understand all of the initials yet, but here is my story. My son in 11 years old. He is not mine biologically, he is my husband's. His bio mom gave him to us when he was three and we have not heard from her since. He has been diagnosed with AD/HD and after reading the symptoms, I am convinced he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He is not currently on medications due to the fact that we don't have insurance and cannot afford the medications on our own.

    I really just wanted to say that I completely understand the idea of detaching. My son is currently failing the 5th grade. Since he knows he will probably be held back, he is no longer doing anything in school. He called today to ask if he could stay after school for some track tryout and I told him no. Then he proceeded to "miss" his bus home because he couldn't zip up his back pack. This is just one of many, many examples. I am soo tired of this. Since he doesn't seem to care about being punished, do you guys have any suggestions? He is tearing my husband and I apart. Not to mention, we also have a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. They are wonderful. Just normal behaviour issues, nothing special. Please help. I am at the point where after 9 years of this, I can somewhat understand (although not condone) why his bio mom took off. I can't deal with this for another 6 years. Please help!

    Thanks for any advice,
    Stephanie
     
  5. lizinmd

    lizinmd New Member

    My advice will be tough to follow when you are angry. I'd like to thing you're more angry at the situation than at the boy himself. He's just a boy and the only thing that will save him is your acceptance and love. You guys need some fun in your life. Forget about what happens at school, let them discipline him for what happens there. Just try to spend your time together relaxing and having fun. Let's face it, school sucks ... every kid needs enjoyable activities and people away from school so they have positive things in there lives. Find those things for the boy, for all of you, and you will all benefit. Good luck ... and hang in there. Love really is the answer.
     
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's sometimes very difficult to remember that our difficult child's behavior is a symptom of their illness as opposed to a deliberate action. I, too, would leave the school issues with the school.

    I use humor A LOT when I'm stressed, but I tend to have a kind of different sense of humor. For example, I would have probably called my girlfriend and said something like, He's overly optimistic thinking he can take on a 5th grader. What was he thinking? (very tongue in cheek). It helps me diffuse the frustration/anger/stress.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Steph and TinaMarie, believe me, I hear you!

    We do need to find other things in our lives. I find myself obsessed with-my difficult child and I have to train myself to calm down and focus once he's out the door. I have so many things to do and I don't have time to be angry and depressed!

    It takes so much out of you.

    Take care.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is hard when a difficult child is so draining. I agree a sense of humor is important. Also, for me exercise is critical. I know when I don't I have much less patience and less energy for dealing with difficult child and others. The advice to let consequences at school take care of things there is good. I know for my difficult child we do that (except with suspensions-then he has to work his little tail off). And, sometimes you just have to force yourself to do non difficult child stuff with easy child or husband-even when you don't have the energy for it-usually I end up glad I did!
     
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey TinaMarie,

    We understand. If confronted with difficult child's behavior at school, I usually take an enourmously big, deep breath before I see him. I try my best to remember that many times he cannot control his anger or behavior.

    He usually needs to be reassured that I still love him so it's hard to detach.

    With your husband shipping out, you are going to have to make the most of the respite you get when the kids are at school. I can't remember your work schedule - fulltime vs parttime, but you need to make sure that you can do something good for you everyday.

    Bubble bath, 30 minutes to read a good book, a walk outside in the early morning, etc. Find something that makes you smile and gift yourself with it everyday.

    Another thing I would do would be to find someone difficult child can stay with for a couple hours and do something with easy child. She needs you too. Take in a girlie movie or window shop and then have lunch. Take a drive and have a picnic lunch. Make sure she's not forgotten with all the difficult child drama (I had to work on this too).

    Hugs,
    Sharon
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My teenager daughter, when she used drugs, yes, yes, yes.
    My nine year old, no. He needed me. He's way too young for me to detach from him. JMO
     
Loading...