"Everyone thinks she's promiscuous, but..."

[BusynMember]

That was the kind word that I used because my daughter used the "S" word. What do you think? She made a new friend that none of her current friends like. She insists that she is a very nice girl, but that her friends all all her a "S-word." I stayed calm and asked why and she shrugged and said, "Because she's really beautiful and all the boys like her." I asked her her opinion and she said, "I doubt it." She was with her all weekend at the skating rink. I haven't met her yet, but, even if I do, that won't tell me a whole lot. I'm guessing that my daughter is probably right. Still, a little bit of the nervous me (see my anxiety disorder below) is wondering.
I never lived a normal "girl" life. As a tween I was a nerd and made fun of and I didn't get involved in cliques. My oldest daughter was doing drugs by 12, so I can't go by her either. Is this something girls do when they are jealous? Can you really get labeled that nasty "S" word just because you are very pretty and the boys like you? A part of me also knows that N. is going to come up against girls that really ARE promiscuous anyway and that I should just shut up. Thoughts? I really like her regular group of friends and this new one not being liked by these nice girls is a sort of mini-red flag to me. Yet I know I have to let N. pick her own friends unless they are obviously terrible problems. This girl has a bunch of friends, but they are not in my daughter's group. My daughter is very social and right now is a easy child with a personality that could get her into trouble one day. So far she has made good choices.

 

[Marguerite]

Yep. Girls will do this - if a girl is very pretty, or has a big bust, or some other feature (such as boys following her around) then other girls who are jealous will label her to make themselves feel better.

Nasty stuff.

Marg

 

[everywoman]

Yes, girls will ostracize and pretty, popular girl and call her horrible names because of jealousy. I have seen it happened over and over again. Jana had a horrible time in high school because of other girls----they made her life a living he**. So much so that we got her out of high school a year early. We are now going through the same thing with my niece.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks.
That is SO horrible and vicious. I'm glad N. doesn't jump on that bandwagon and hope it stays that way.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Yes, girls will ostracize and pretty, popular girl and call her horrible names because of jealousy. I have seen it happened over and over again. Jana had a horrible time in high school because of other girls----they made her life a living he**. So much so that we got her out of high school a year early. We are now going through the same thing with my niece.

This sort of thing was one of the primary reasons Daughter graduated early. However, now with the internet and MySpace they can continue their rein of terror. So much so that I am now going to file for an Civil Order to Stop Civil Harassment. The vicious things one girl in particular has done ("oh! but she's such a GOOD STUDENT and NICE girl! *Bleech*). We are also filing a small claims for damages. We had to screen shot everything. This girl altered pictures and made an imposter MySpace of Daughter and then sent it to all of Daughters friends and everyone else she could at school. This is the second time she has done this. Go to the parents? Forget it, they're clueless morons!

I can't even express the devastation I feel when I see the IM conversations (Daughter had the forethought to save) and systematic intent to inflict emotional damage on my child. Thing is, Daughter never did anything to this girl or the other girls involved.

Daughter definitely had the "promiscious" label at school even though she was still a virgin. Didn't matter, kids believed it anyway and the school is really powerless to stop it. Using the **ut word is MILD compared to what I have seen and read teenage girls calling each other.

Though, Daughter does have a few friends that stuck by her over the years. For those girls, I'm grateful.

 

[timer lady]

Oh yeah, MWM, sad but true. It's running rampant the names & rumors these young women will tell & hear. It's all very very ugly.

Much of it is based on jealousy rather than knowledge. In the end, many of these "S" girls start fulfilling the rumor. Ugly

 

[everywoman]

Dazed---we are dealing with exactly the same thing with my niece---including the fake myspace page. My sister is about to lose her mind dealing with the stuff. Girls can be so vicious in their attacks it is startling. I am so sorry that your daughter has had to deal with these attacks. I know what it has done to my daughter. It still affects her life and she has been out of high school for 3 years. The girls who tormented her are still at it. When she was underage, I did file charges, but it did little to change anything.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, YEAH!
The meaner the better.

So sad.

They usually get over it by mid-HS.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think it's gone to online cyber-bullying. My daughter would have told me that. I think it's just that her friends are spreading rumors about her. I met her today when I dropped my daughter off at the skating rink. She really is a pretty little girl and very friendly and N. told me the rumors don't bother her "that much." Of course, they probably hurt more than she's willing to admit. If my daughter ever contributed to cyber-bullying she wouldn't see a computer until she was living elsewhere. I'm sooooooooooooooooo against THAT degree of meanness.

 

[Marguerite]

The thing to try to hang onto (if you're the victim of this) is that once you leave school you need never see these girls again or experience this again, because the people in life who really matter, don't care about the rumours. I'm not saying that adults don't spread rumours - I've been a victim of that too, from adults old enough to be my parents - but the people spreading the rumours, and the people beleiving them, were not people I value.

I had to learn to vaue TRUE friends.

I watched easy child go through the same lesson. Living in a small town, thissort of thing happens. easy child had good friends who were easily led, or too cowardly to stand up for truth. So when one of these friends didn't stick up for her enough, although the friend didn't exactly spread any rumours she also did nothing to stop it, easy child made her squirm. I listened in on the phone call - there had been a catfight session on the afternoon school boat and easy child came home hurt and upset because her good friend had simply sat there and not defended her to the cats. A few minutes later the phone rang - it was friend, ringing to apologise for being a wimp. easy child was polite to her but didn't let her off lightly. I was quietly cheering my girl for having the courage to risk a friendship to try to get a point across. You have to have a lot of inner confidence to be able to do that.

And maybe that ias the secret - if we can work on our kids' self-esteem, help them value themselves intrinsically and not feel they need the approval of other people (especially the mean girls), then they will not waste time and energy trying to win the approval of other people, especially other people whose values are questionable.

MWM, please share this with N, tell her I'm proud of her for showing integrity.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

I hate the rumors that can be spread. easy child had some rumors spread about her earlier this school year. I'm not sure she is over it still. It's been a horrible school year in large parts due to the rumors that were spread about her.