Everything going wrong....

[Confused]

Hi All,
Wow, I have had no out of the "normal behaviors" with my daughter until now. Yes, spoiled both of them especially her when she was the "only child". She has been refusing to clean her room, do anything but watch T.V, play hours on end of Wii and computer. She throws a tantrum over almost anything now! She has been slamming doors and breaking stuff lately! I figure because she watches her little brother do it. I do not let him get away with it as I do take away privileges and stuff from him, now the same with her! So I am usually here complaining about my 5 year old not her! So I am so stressed, my grandfather is very,very ill,may be hospitalized soon, and may not come back out,stay there the rest of his life, which seems not to be too long. ..My father is in very poor health as well( both severe heart trouble etc) and as far as my health, well, I am a stress eater and now have gained 5 pounds. I am obese and want to loose weight,haven't been to the Dr in 51/2 years. Not the money part, but due to something that happened to me,hence,gained more weight and now, fear of what may be wrong! I do have some issues as we speak. I am going though this month. My kids are always going and they ask me when do I go. Sometimes they say they think there daddy's will be better, he has no rules, lets them drink alcohol, watch porn, around his daily different women, violent friends, and the list goes on and on. Oh yea, because he usually only has them a day or two once a month or when he feels like it,he buys fast food,takes them to museums and stuff. But I know on a permanent basis, that would stop.I'm no where near perfect and have room to improve, but they just don't see its up to them also, all of us as a family. We all can get upset, but not outraged! I don't know, just venting!
Confused

 

[Hound dog]

Confused

(((hugs)))

If ex is letting the kids have alcohol and being exposed to porn..........I'd work on getting evidence of that and at the very least getting the court to require supervised visitation, if not getting it yanked all together. It's not easy, but it can be done. I'm guessing since you know about it kids are telling you about it......if they have tdocs, you need to have them tell tdocs so there is someone to back you up in court.

Have you sat daughter down and calmly asked her why her behavior has suddenly changed? There may be a good reason behind it, and often if you can get the reason it's easier to solve the problem. (easy child's are easier to do this with by far)

 

[april1974]

Confused

(((hugs)))

If ex is letting the kids have alcohol and being exposed to porn..........I'd work on getting evidence of that and at the very least getting the court to require supervised visitation, if not getting it yanked all together. It's not easy, but it can be done. I'm guessing since you know about it kids are telling you about it......if they have tdocs, you need to have them tell tdocs so there is someone to back you up in court.

Have you sat daughter down and calmly asked her why her behavior has suddenly changed? There may be a good reason behind it, and often if you can get the reason it's easier to solve the problem. (easy child's are easier to do this with by far)

^^^I agree with Katie
(((Hugs))) to you, I hope daughter mellows out and stops her behaviour too

 

[Confused]

Hi Hound dog,
Well, as far as I know (at least my kids never admitted to it) they haven't been given any alcohol but his oldest boy ( another mother) said he drank some years ago. He( their dad) is always telling me he will sneak it in their drinks or just give it to them. So when I took him to court I said he nor his friends( violence) can drink 12hrs prior or during the visitation. As far as the porn, "R" movies,hes got porn and "pictures" laying around,again in the court order that it can be in their reach. They have seen by a supposed "accident" parts of these shows but yet the boys said they saw a whole "movie" of it. The other mother has the same if not a little less court ordered rules on him. Although, he does not see the oldest two anymore. My daughter started telling me about the women,and these issues but stopped due to him telling them" What I do with or without you here is none of your moms businesses, shes just doing it so you cant see me any more." I never said that. I just want a decent environment. So much more has gone on with him but yet they say I am just jealous! I'm not. The other mother took him to court as well and he has a record- as do his friends male and female!He lies about everything! Any who, on my daughter, I have talked with her but she more or less has "my brother gets away with it or I just want to" ( he doesn't-punishment for a 5 and 11 yr old are different a little!). I like your name, reminds me of Elvis!!!!!
Confused

 

[Confused]

Hi jan1974,
Thanks! Well, as I told Hound Dog, I already have it in the court order. But if he gets temporary custody or something, I think that will be null and void? And my daughter, could be jealousy? Or her "age" figuring out stuff?
Confused

 

[keista]

Sorry you're going through a rough patch, but like everything else, parenting ebbs and flows.

my brother gets away with it or I just want to" ( he doesn't-punishment for a 5 and 11 yr old are different a little!)

.

Sounds like it's time to set up rules and privileges. Start with the privileges that her brother doesn't get. If you get those in the front of her mind, it will be harder for her to argue that she's got rules that don't apply to him - of course she does, but she's got the privileges too. At 10, she's on the cusp of teenagerhood, and the better you can discuss and negotiate now, the 'easier' it will be in just a few years. My plan A was a chore and allowance schedule, which isn't working out very well for us, so I'll be going back to the drawing board - probably after vacation.

So sorry about your ex issues. It so frustrating to hear that he gets any visitation at all when his concern is obviously not for the kids, but himself. ((((HUGS))))

 

[BusynMember]

Is there anything you can do to block ex from seeing them? He sounds irresponsible and dangerous. in my opinion they are better off without his behavior and his women and his porn in their lives.

And, hey, take care of yourself too. You do need to see a doctor. If you're not healthy...your kids need ya.

 

[Confused]

Hi keista,
Your right, I do need to do something extra for her. OOOps, I need to update my profile, she's 11 now! It is frustrating about their dad. I mean, nothing serious has happened while in his care but knowing how he is, I overall do not trust him. He sees them more when he is "serious" about a girl, well or should I say chooses on to live with or marry but its so often ,so many and they are not trustworthy either. I don't want to keep the kids from him, just for him to "behave" when he has them and pick a women who is a "true" women. Thanks!
Confused

 

[Confused]

Hi MidwestMom,
He is irresponsible and dangerous in my eyes as well as the other mother. (arrest record) More "less irresponsible" to her, she has never seen his violent side only what she was told or what I told her. Although they have not gotten hurt or lost( yeah!! very important and thankful to him), the issues of partying like an 18 year old when he is in his late 30's ugghh! I meant in Hound Dog's response, when I said can have in their reach, I meant can't! Anyway, as he says, I will never know what really goes on there. Courts even with his record, and the other mother and her family, my family etc, they say Im just jealous! They said that about the other mother who is remarried, and for me, I was dating and had met a wonderful man ( which my ex and a family member broke up later on). If something was going to happen it would have or wait until something happens they say. Sadly on the dating issue, its only for nighttime because they saw no problem with the daytime and his women over. I couldn't get anymore than that! Yes, I am going to the Dr this month. Thanks!
Confused

 

[Hound dog]

I'm glad you're getting to the doctor. We warrior Mom's have to take care of ourselves.

I'd keep a journal of the kids visits with their dad. And I'd jot down any unusual comments ect when they return from a visit. This will help you keep facts straight......and may be enough to get the visitation in a better suited environment for the kiddos at the very least.

I had some issues with my easy child similar to yours........and oddly about the same age. easy child started acting up and when I'd correct her, she'd complain that I spent all my time with the younger two and they "got away with everything". Which of course was no where near the truth. They were younger and I tended to treat my kids as individuals. There were the general house rules, but consequences fit the child, what worked with one often didn't work with another. So when she started doing this I started pointing out all the things she was allowed to do because she was older. I told her if she wanted everything "equal" I could easily take those privileges away. It took some talking to her........and some explaining to her on a child's level that her brother had special needs she did not have ect. Eventually she decided it was much better to be the older easy child child as she had much more freedom than they did. lol And being a easy child......she really hated the punishments.

Some of that was also some jealousy going on. She felt I spent tons of time with Nichole and not her. Well no. I spent a lot of time with Nichole because Nichole was 4 or 5 at the time and required me to spend that much time with her........while at 11 easy child was pushing for more independence. Then I reminded her that I did all the same things with her at the same age.

PCs overall can be easier to work with.......and to talk and explain things too. This worked itself out over a period of weeks. (easy child had to be certain I'd punish her every time, she's a tad stubborn lol )

Hugs

 

[exhausted]

Puberty coming on? It can be ugly with girls. I teach this age kids and it's just like 2 year olds. They are testing the waters and love the power of their words and are trying for independence...usually more than they should have. Fairness is often a big issue with them as well.
You have lots of good suggestions here-she'll come around but this isn't going to stop her from typical tries at stretching the limits.Expect and anticipate more. See if you can negotiate a little more compliance and get the kids out and away from the electronics so this doesn't become a habit. Take care of you-call the doctor and make an appointment.

 

[april1974]

I'm glad you're getting to the doctor. We warrior Mom's have to take care of ourselves.

I'd keep a journal of the kids visits with their dad. And I'd jot down any unusual comments ect when they return from a visit. This will help you keep facts straight......and may be enough to get the visitation in a better suited environment for the kiddos at the very least.

I had some issues with my easy child similar to yours........and oddly about the same age. easy child started acting up and when I'd correct her, she'd complain that I spent all my time with the younger two and they "got away with everything". Which of course was no where near the truth. They were younger and I tended to treat my kids as individuals. There were the general house rules, but consequences fit the child, what worked with one often didn't work with another. So when she started doing this I started pointing out all the things she was allowed to do because she was older. I told her if she wanted everything "equal" I could easily take those privileges away. It took some talking to her........and some explaining to her on a child's level that her brother had special needs she did not have ect. Eventually she decided it was much better to be the older easy child child as she had much more freedom than they did. lol And being a easy child......she really hated the punishments.

Some of that was also some jealousy going on. She felt I spent tons of time with Nichole and not her. Well no. I spent a lot of time with Nichole because Nichole was 4 or 5 at the time and required me to spend that much time with her........while at 11 easy child was pushing for more independence. Then I reminded her that I did all the same things with her at the same age.

PCs overall can be easier to work with.......and to talk and explain things too. This worked itself out over a period of weeks. (easy child had to be certain I'd punish her every time, she's a tad stubborn lol )

Hugs

^^^ I agree

 

[Confused]

Hi Hound dog,
Thanks. I am trying to let them them do their own thing,"different privileges" and such. The journal, they never really complain or say anything cuz he tells them not to. But for what I do know ,yes writing it down is good.

 

[Confused]

Hi exhaustedinutah,
Puberty also,I'm sure. She is being a handful even now! My son isn't helping. Uggh, I can just see them when their teens!I do get them out but unless I drag her, she is just something!

 

[Confused]

Hi april 1974,
Thanks!