Evil thoughts...

[Lil]

I have decided I need to start voicing the evil thoughts. We got home from our trip to look at property and no sooner had the door rung than he called freaking the hell out. He wanted me to come. He wanted to talk about everything. He can't pay his electric bill. He has a lawyer demanding $500 for the shoplifting...our state gives a retailer a cause of action for the value of goods, $250, and attorney fees...and of course his friend has something stolen and it was all his fault. He was going to lose everything (he doesn't have anything). He'd lose his place to live (no, he won't, we pay the lease). He'll go to jail (again no) and kill himself like his father! At which point I lost it.

So...he managed to kind of ruin my night. He finally calmed down a bit. I'm not answering the phone again any time soon.

 

[SeekingStrength]

They will keep pushing and pushing and pushing buttons until one works. If they have to get mean in the process, so be it. They have a motive and the feelings/aches/pain/hurt of others do not figure in.

They do what they gotta do to get the response they want.

He may amp this up a bit more before he gives up. That wisdom was shared with me by several members when I found this forum. Sure enough, difficult son did just that.

 

[2much2recover]

oughts. We got home from our trip to look at property and no sooner had the door rung than he called freaking the hell out. He wanted me to come. He wanted to talk about everything. He can't pay his electric bill. He has a lawyer demanding $500 for the shoplifting...our state gives a retailer a cause of action for the value of goods, $250, and attorney fees...and of course his friend has something stolen and it was all his fault. He was going to lose everything (he doesn't have anything)

This is sooooo manipulation for you to take care of his financial issues. BLOW IT OFF! He has to learn that the two of you are not the money tree that solves all his problems. Maybe the worst thing that happens is if he is so worried..............he will have to GASP.......go to work to pay these things off!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He may amp this up a bit more before he gives up.

Lil, this is a good thing.

Now he is getting it.

As Seeking suggests, this is where you need to remember what you are trying to teach your son and stick to your guns. He is starting to get it that life without mom and dad there to protect him from himself will be very unpleasant. This is where you let him take the small consequences ~ small compared to what the consequences may be if your son refuses to acknowledge his good fortune and commit to doing the work required to create a different life for himself than the one he is choosing, now.

Even the antibiotics incident can be a lesson. Time does fly. What seemed rebellion at twenty has become an almost inescapable lifestyle for this friend at thirty.

He has nothing. Not even independence. He is a beggar in a fortunate and generous society.

Whether your son listens or not, this time can be seen as a window of opportunity. If this turns out not to be a turning point, you will know you have done all you know to teach him why the path he is following now is not the best one for his future.

Cedar

 

[Mom]

Oh, Lil, it was so much worse than that with Bart. IF I don't act like a freakn cheerleader and tell him something as benign as, "If you never visit Jane's house and expect her to come visit YOU every day instead, well, things don't usually work out when you don't do it both ways."

*BAM!* "Stop it! Your reality (sarcasm) socks!!! Stop being negative..." My ears hurt just thinking about it in my head while I type it.

And he isn't taking drugs, not drinking much. He is just himself...personality disordered with twisted, illogical thinking, showing a different, good face to the world that doesn't know him the way I do. Lately I'm starting to worry about Junior too. Bart has no problem making poop jokes with Junior, getting down to his level in age. Worse, he also sometimes makes female upper body part jokes, and Junior is picking up his attitude. He wasn't brought up this way, I swear. He was brought up to respect women...

Would anyone but the rest of us here really believe what we say?

I find tremendous comfort in realizing their issues are not our fault. I came very close to a nervous breakdown trying to find help for our son. 6 therapists, 5 psychiatrist, 2 hospitals, camps and an 8 month program and he still doesn't "get it!!!" Our son is good looking,very high IQ, well-spoken, and charming. And he uses all that to con people. Horrible!

 

[Lil]

So today we got a call...AT CHURCH! As in he called the church and asked for us since we had our phones off!

Now, to be fair, he really did have a problem. The bathroom sink has sprung a leak and was leaking into the baseboard heater and he was afraid it would short and start an electrical fire or something. The landlord is a joke. The place is, once again, crawling with cockroaches because he only sprayed the apartment and not the building so they came right back, we told him the day he moved in the main burner on the stove is out (there's a hole in the coil) and he hasn't ever even looked at it, and he has no emergency number and doesn't answer his phone. In fact, I left an urgent message at 11 a.m....seven hours ago...and he hasn't responded. But still...

So I come home, find the lease, try my own phone call, then we go over and take a look since our son makes it sound like it's a flood. Yeah...not so much, just dripping. We can't fix it, so we duct tape a plastic bag to the wall directing the water into a bucket. (Again, to be fair, he had no duct tape or bucket, so it was more than he could do.) We looked about and asked if he'd like some hangers, since all their clothes are in the bottom of the closet. K wanted some so we got extras from the house. We also bought some Raid and some roach bait; we gave him a bug bomb the other day, but the neighbors asked him not to us it until they had some too, so we gave him the rest of the ones we had at home...we've had them years and never used them. We picked him up a set of plastic shelves we had in the house that fit in the closet for them to use in place of a dresser and I bought some ravioli and spaghetti-o's...food in cans the roaches can't get into. We also picked up some weather stripping...his place is like 300 square feet and his electric bill is $100...it was cold and one baseboard heater is out now. He's got a space heater we gave him, which someone broke but I got working, but nothing was going to get the place warm when you can see light around the door!

He called the place a slum...I told him it was better than sleeping on the street. K agreed at least.

Then we told him we were turning our phones off and went home.

 

[in a daze]

We also bought some Raid and some roach bait;

Boric acid is good. The roach powder usually contains boric acid. Sprinkle around baseboards, under cabinets, in crevices. They bring it back to the nest and die a slow but sure death. Plug any holes like around the sink pipe or whatever with steel wool.

We owned an apartment building for 16 years and also the condo we lived in when we were first married developed a roach problem and we got rid of them so that makes me an expert (?)

Anyway, you're doing the right thing with your kid. It's exhausting, isn't it?

 

[BusynMember]

Oh....my....god.....in church.

How embarassing.

I mean...

How embarassing.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

And, hey Lil and Jabber, I think you oughta rent him a room at the Ritz indefinitely. What's wrong with you? Heck, buy him a castle!!! (rolling eyes)

 

[Lil]

You know we almost bought notice acid, but changed to the baits at the last minute.

I have to say, at least K was washing dishes when we got there and they're picked up a lot when we got back with the shelves and hangers.

At least the service was over. We were getting ready to eat the Valentine dinner we were having today. I didn't even get my cup of coffee.

And yes, I'm sure he'd like a palace. But you know, we offered to cosign a month to month lease on a better place, but he wanted this cheaper one. Maybe he actually was trying to think reasonably at that point?

We reminded him before we left, they have until June to get jobs and get on their feet so they can pay their own rent, because we are done.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Lil]

notice acid = boric acid. Autocorrect strikes again.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I have to say, at least K was washing dishes when we got there and they're picked up a lot when we got back with the shelves and hangers.

Mind, at least part of the reason they were cleaning up when we got back was because we told them to but K was doing dishes the first time we got there.

And yes, I'm sure he'd like a palace. But you know, we offered to cosign a month to month lease on a better place, but he wanted this cheaper one. Maybe he actually was trying to think reasonably at that point?

Sorry to bust your bubble honey but a month by month I could bail on at any time. At least with this place the lease was locked in until June. And lets be honest here, the other place wasn't exactly impressive. There were spots on the center....walkway? patio?...well, big open area between the apartments, that I was afraid to step for fear of falling through the boards.

 

[2much2recover]

Lil, Jabber, you are both still jumping when he says jump!

 

[Lil]

Lil, Jabber, you are both still jumping when he says jump!

Well given that we have cosigned the lease, it's probably a good idea to make sure he doesn't end up with an electrical fire when the bathroom sink is leaking into a hard-wired baseboard heater and that he doesn't burn the place down using the oven as a furnace because he needs all the heat sources he can get.

I am, however, about to threaten the landlord with the housing authority. Not that that will do any good. The building is for sale and he'd probably just evict the kid for some trumped up reason. It really is kind of a slum.

 

[DoneDad]

You might want to check local laws (I know you're a lawyer so probably already know) - but if the place is that much of a rat hole there might be laws about not paying rent if the place isn't habitable or repairs aren't made in a timely fashion after notifying the landlord. Does the landlord know you're a lawyer? The idea of getting tied up in litigation when he's trying to sell the building should be a good motivator for him to clean up his act. He's an idiot if he's not fixing leaks. That could lead to way more damage and eventually mold problems - a lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

[2much2recover]

The Housing Authority is a great one - hope you can do it anonymously!

 

[Jabberwockey]

That could lead to way more damage and eventually mold problems - a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Most of his tenants arent in any position to sue so its doubtful that he's terribly concerned about it.

 

[Tanya M]

It's one thing to call you while at church but to call the church!! Of course this proves that he's resourceful. Making those decisions whether to help or not can be so hard. At least you know you are giving him every chance to turn his life around. I think it's good you're helping him with the apt issues since the landlord won't. I just wish he would realize how blessed he is to have you both. Hopefully he will start to understand the seriousness of the trouble he is in and will participate in the solution.
I know how exhausting it all can be, I've been exactly where you are.
Hang in there!!

 

[2much2recover]

Calling the Church is why I said he calls you jump. And now that I type it out, I know what I meant - he has no respect for boundaries, which is something you could work on with him - if you are currently dealing with his issues as "delayed adolescent" type problems.
To facilitate that, every time he crosses a boundary, you have to be willing to call him out on it, AND stand behind your line in the sand.

 

[Lil]

Today's call ended up with me letting some of those evil thoughts out. Yes...another call today. First, he just texted, asking if he could borrow our vacuum. Okay...but after a bit, he said not to bother. I texted, "Oh??? Decide to stay dirty??? " He called...all bent out of shape. J-2 came over and since he told J-2 that we said he couldn't live there, J-2 is all paranoid about us being anywhere around him, and J-2 was supposed to go buy smokes, but didn't and he was planning on asking us to buy smokes and he'd pay us back when we brought the vacuum, but now we weren't bringing the vacuum... and on and on an on and I finally told him I wasn't talking to him anymore in that mood and hung up.

He calls back a little later. More complaining. Everything from how he spent months making friends with the people at the homeless shelter and they just ate his food and stole from him and how he has cockroaches all over him and his back hurts and everyone looks down on him and his life sucks soooo much and said something about his last therapist and how she looked down on him and thought everything he did was the wrong thing...

So I said, "Maybe everything you were doing was wrong. Maybe it was."

I don't remember it all, but I did tell him his current situation was his own doing and that he could get out of it all. That he had roaches...and parents who brought him roach bait and that after everything he still had people who cared, which was more than a lot of people. That he was intelligent and capable and he could get his life together, but he had to try.

There was a bit more discussion and I said my usual encouraging things and he said something about it being the usual "everything's going to be hunkie-dorie ".

So....I told him, "I'm done talking to you. You never listen to me and when you do, you don't believe me." So there was no reason for us to continue the conversation and I was going to go. I loved him, I'd talk to him later, and I hung up the phone.

Talking to him makes me tired.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Of course this proves that he's resourceful.

What amazes me about this is that he called us a few weeks ago for a phone number yet he managed to find that number right away. Aw crap!!! It just occurred to me how he got the phone number. Yeah, his "Resourcefulness" just cost us 50 cents in 411 charges. Whatever.