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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 603737" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh my. What a tangled web we weave...........our difficult child's continually pull us into their web, sticky and snug, that feeling of not being able to move freely in our own lives.......yikes.......I am so, so very sorry Barbara.............</p><p></p><p>I can relate to your angers, your frustration, your incredulousness....your daughter and mine are so similar. I have come to realize that my daughter is capable of <u>extreme</u> manipulation in order to survive and/or get her needs met. Your daughter seems to have found her next victim, a vulnerable, generous, kind older man who is still in the throes of grief, therefore not thinking clearly. Geez. </p><p></p><p>My daughter lived with a young man, a friend of hers for <strong>two years </strong>without paying any rent. She used him until in order to make her move out, he had to give up his apartment and move to a smaller one saying she could not come to the new one and had to leave. And still she waited until the last moment, stalling, stalling until this guy was in his bedroom crying and my daughter simply made him wrong and had no insight into how much she robbed him of. Now she lives with a woman my age, a woman who has major health issues and depression. My difficult child has lived with her for 16 months and has not paid any rent for 13 months of that time. I paid the first 3 months. The woman has been asking my daughter to leave for a year, my daughter refuses, she says she "has rights." The woman is too sick and too codependent to take any action, so my daughter remains there and complains about how she is "tormented." Sigh.</p><p></p><p>I understand exactly how you feel Barbara. This man may find out in a difficult fashion, just how big a mistake he is making. For me, all of these bizarre and parasitic choices my daughter makes are another opportunity for me to detach and accept what I cannot change. Sometimes the level of bad choices and lack of personal responsibility is so outlandish to me that it's hard for my brain to even take it in. I try to do what a wise person told me to do, step back, make every attempt not to judge (that can be REALLY hard) and continue to surround my daughter with love..............you are not responsible for her choices or the fall out for this man. All you can do is step back, take a deep breath, go on with your life and as more unfolds, make your choices then.</p><p></p><p>Just as an aside, early Saturday morning, 1:30 AM in fact, my phone rang waking me up from a sound sleep. It was my daughter's 63 year old roommate telling me my difficult child had borrowed her car at 4 PM to run a quick "25 minute" errand and had not returned. She asked me to contact my daughter if I could and let her know that her roommate was reporting the car stolen. I left a message for my difficult child on her phone and went back to bed. Amazingly, I did not ruminate or worry, I thought it through realizing there was nothing I could do and recalled having spent countless nights worrying about something that never happened while my daughter never gave it a second thought. I was pretty proud of myself for being able to stay calm and go to sleep! The next morning at 10 AM, the woman called saying my daughter had still not returned, now she was worried. I hardly reacted, I said, "she's probably sleeping somewhere and as she usually does, forgets about time and any responsibilities and other people's feelings." SO and I went out for the day and incredibly I was able to put all of this aside. We returned at around 6 to a tearful, sad voice message from my difficult child stating she had run out of gas and had slept in the car, she had no phone..........on and on............I erased the message and started dinner. I just had no responses to the whole episode. I thought to myself, if something terrible has happened, I will certainly be notified..........and I went on with my life. Sigh. I think, for me, that is as good as it gets. We work and work to get detached and rather then a band playing and a parade, what happens is that one day, we simply respond differently and it changes everything. </p><p></p><p>Continue staying on <u>your</u> track and enjoying <u>your</u> life...............your daughter's choices are hers, the mans choices are his...........I am sorry, I know how you feel................do your very best to let it go............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 603737, member: 13542"] Oh my. What a tangled web we weave...........our difficult child's continually pull us into their web, sticky and snug, that feeling of not being able to move freely in our own lives.......yikes.......I am so, so very sorry Barbara............. I can relate to your angers, your frustration, your incredulousness....your daughter and mine are so similar. I have come to realize that my daughter is capable of [U]extreme[/U] manipulation in order to survive and/or get her needs met. Your daughter seems to have found her next victim, a vulnerable, generous, kind older man who is still in the throes of grief, therefore not thinking clearly. Geez. My daughter lived with a young man, a friend of hers for [B]two years [/B]without paying any rent. She used him until in order to make her move out, he had to give up his apartment and move to a smaller one saying she could not come to the new one and had to leave. And still she waited until the last moment, stalling, stalling until this guy was in his bedroom crying and my daughter simply made him wrong and had no insight into how much she robbed him of. Now she lives with a woman my age, a woman who has major health issues and depression. My difficult child has lived with her for 16 months and has not paid any rent for 13 months of that time. I paid the first 3 months. The woman has been asking my daughter to leave for a year, my daughter refuses, she says she "has rights." The woman is too sick and too codependent to take any action, so my daughter remains there and complains about how she is "tormented." Sigh. I understand exactly how you feel Barbara. This man may find out in a difficult fashion, just how big a mistake he is making. For me, all of these bizarre and parasitic choices my daughter makes are another opportunity for me to detach and accept what I cannot change. Sometimes the level of bad choices and lack of personal responsibility is so outlandish to me that it's hard for my brain to even take it in. I try to do what a wise person told me to do, step back, make every attempt not to judge (that can be REALLY hard) and continue to surround my daughter with love..............you are not responsible for her choices or the fall out for this man. All you can do is step back, take a deep breath, go on with your life and as more unfolds, make your choices then. Just as an aside, early Saturday morning, 1:30 AM in fact, my phone rang waking me up from a sound sleep. It was my daughter's 63 year old roommate telling me my difficult child had borrowed her car at 4 PM to run a quick "25 minute" errand and had not returned. She asked me to contact my daughter if I could and let her know that her roommate was reporting the car stolen. I left a message for my difficult child on her phone and went back to bed. Amazingly, I did not ruminate or worry, I thought it through realizing there was nothing I could do and recalled having spent countless nights worrying about something that never happened while my daughter never gave it a second thought. I was pretty proud of myself for being able to stay calm and go to sleep! The next morning at 10 AM, the woman called saying my daughter had still not returned, now she was worried. I hardly reacted, I said, "she's probably sleeping somewhere and as she usually does, forgets about time and any responsibilities and other people's feelings." SO and I went out for the day and incredibly I was able to put all of this aside. We returned at around 6 to a tearful, sad voice message from my difficult child stating she had run out of gas and had slept in the car, she had no phone..........on and on............I erased the message and started dinner. I just had no responses to the whole episode. I thought to myself, if something terrible has happened, I will certainly be notified..........and I went on with my life. Sigh. I think, for me, that is as good as it gets. We work and work to get detached and rather then a band playing and a parade, what happens is that one day, we simply respond differently and it changes everything. Continue staying on [U]your[/U] track and enjoying [U]your[/U] life...............your daughter's choices are hers, the mans choices are his...........I am sorry, I know how you feel................do your very best to let it go............ [/QUOTE]
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