Ex is going to IEP tomorrow and I'm nervous

[Californiablonde]

So difficult child's case carrier invited her dad to attend the IEP set for tomorrow. My mom just emailed me and told me she talked to my ex. He will be, in fact, attending. I am in shock. This will be his first one. He has never been to one as long as both my kids have been in school. The IEP is to discuss a possible placement to a new school, difficult child's grades (D's and F's) and her lack of attendance. Ex has always blamed me in the past for difficult child's failing grades and he is going to find out tomorrow that she is indeed failing again this year. He will also be finding out just how much school she is missing. difficult child has missed three days so far this week due to a cold. My mom took her to the doctors so we do have a dr. note that excuses her from school until she is better. Of course difficult child is milking this for all it's worth and she's been complaining of symptoms even though she really is well enough to go to school. He is going to be upset when he realized that she's been staying home. We have the dr. note, but still, he will be upset. I am getting paranoid that when he hears how she is doing in school he is going to go ahead with his plans and take me to court. difficult child already stated that he told her that if she misses more school, he is going to gain custody. I am very nervous for tomorrow. Just being in the same room with him gives me anxiety to no end. I wish I had more Xanax to help me through it but I'm out. I will just have to deal with it. I hope I can sleep tonight. Wish me luck please I really do need it.

 

[buddy]

Call his bluff. (I know, easy for me to say)

 

[Californiablonde]

difficult child is calling his bluff right now and I really hope neither one of us regrets it. She honestly thinks she has more over his head than he does mine. I just got a letter in the mail yesterday from the school stating that if difficult child's attendance doesn't improve I could get up to a year in jail and have to pay a fine. difficult child could also be made to do community service. I told her this yesterday and she still refused to go to school today. This is getting serious. I am in no way gonna spend a day in jail over her lazy *** so she may end up having to live with her dad after all.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Call her bluff, too...

 

[Californiablonde]

I am seriously gonna have to put on my warrior gear and get through this tomorrow the best way I know how. I am going to be interrogated by a bunch of people who are going to demand to know why I haven't been able to enforce difficult child to go to school. And my ex intimidates me to no end. I am going to do a lot of serious praying tonight. Lord help me.

 

[HopeRemains]

I'm really sorry, I know it can be so hard when one parent is not on the same page and has no real idea of how things go on with your child. Maybe he will find out soon enough that people in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks, huh? Just doesn't know his will be a glass house yet. Good luck to you. You have no reason to worry. You are strong enough to walk in there, get through it and the consequences (if any) and continue walking.

 

[buddy]

Perhaps you could go in and take the bull by the horns. In other words, you say that as a team we need to come up with a plan to get difficult child to school. Explain what you have tried and that now you feel you need a team approach and would like to have a plan for when she refuses school. Ask them if you can call the school officer or community attendance officer to come and get her. Since she is on an IEP the law says that positive behavior approaches are to be used and for some kids this can include bussing. Maybe she needs Special Education door to door transportation?
Anyway point is, try not to disagree ...act as if you initiated the process ....you are the one who is requestimg support to solve the problem. If they say use consequences explain what you've tried. If their are anxiety issues or other such things these need to be addressed. If difficult child can participate, have her attend a meeting where you all plan together for how she will get there. What goal is she working toward?

My friends autistic daughter would freak and not ride her bus many days. She had tons of fears. The school pressed charges but there's a process. She had to go to a psychiatric who said she was a fit mother and her difficult child needed more support including morning PCA time. It could work in your favor.....

 

[cubsgirl]

I'm with buddy....you have tried a lot of things to get her to school, please don't hesitate to share those ideas and ask for other ideas. Her IEP has to address this. Do NOT let your ex intimidate you - just act as if he's another spectator to the meeting (I doubt he'll showup). You can do this!

 

[greenrene]

ITA with Buddy! Very good advice there.

Good luck tomorrow.

 

[Bunny]

This might sound really cold, but please don't take it that way. If you ex really thinks that he can do better with her, then let him have her! He thinks that he's father of the year and that his new wifey will be a better mother than you are? Give them a shot! I think that he really does not want to take custody of your kids. I think he just says that because he know it scares the heck out of you, and I honestly think that if you tell him that he can have custory he will run for the hills! Either that, or he will get to see first hand what it's like living with a difficult child child. You think that his wife dislikes the kids now? Wait until they come to live with them!

If you are not willing to take this chance (and I would totally understand if you are not) then your ex needs to be told that it's time that the two of you start working together as parents and not adversaries. He uses the kids to get back at you. He's pi$$ed off at you, so he cancels visitation for a few weekends. He doesn't want to drive them back to your house, so calls you and threatens you. He needs to get over whatever his hostility is towards you and the kids and start working on being their parent and not an enemy.

 

[buddy]

How did the IEP meeting go?

 

[Californiablonde]

Well IEP meeting didn't go very well. My ex was furious when he found out difficult child has missed twenty four days of school so far. And then they had her only mainstreamed teacher come in, her foods teacher. Foods teacher reported she's getting an F (like most of her other classes) because she refuses to participate. Teacher reports difficult child refuses to take any notes, plus she has frequent meltdowns and refuses to do work. I was shocked, as was her dad. difficult child loves that class. Can't stop talking about it. And yet she refuses to do any work in there, including cooking. difficult child loves to cook and wants to be a chef. I have no idea why she flat out refuses. And the meltdowns are usually something she only does in her ED classes. Up till now, she's been too embarrased to act out in front of the regular population. Her dad was very pi$$ed off at her. He kept saying difficult child belongs in all regular classes. He has told her on many occasions that her classes are making her "dumb." I think he finally got the picture that difficult child needs extra support for a reason.

Ex asked the case carrier to email him every Friday with her attendance and any behavior issues she has in the classroom. So I informed difficult child that her dad will now have weekly reports of her so she needs to start going to school every day or else suffer the wrath of dad. difficult child is not looking forward to going over there this weekend. I am sure dad and stepmom are going to give her hell for her behavior in class. I don't envy her. Oh and after the meeting my mom emailed ex and informed him that the reason why I haven't shared any of difficult child's problems with him is because every time I ask him for help, he gets angry with me and threatens to take the kids away. She told him that he makes my anxiety worse and that's why I kept him in the dark all this time for fear of his reaction. She also told him that difficult child heard his wife say she hated my kids.

So far my ex hasn't answered her email. In my opinion, no answer is an admonition of guilt on his part. So anyway that's how the big meeting went. We are not moving schools until difficult child can prove she can make it to school every day and behave better in class. At the new school there aren't any ED classes or teacher's aides so she will need to be on better behavior if she wishes to change schools and be with her friends. That's her incentive so we will see how she does. I also informed her that if she doesn't go to school then she will be getting a probation officer. IF she violates probation she can go to juvenile hall. Hopefully that will put enough scare in her to make her co operate. She hasn't been sleeping well lately (got no sleep at all last night) so this week will be extra challenging. Dad says I can call him in the morning to help get her up so I will be taking him up on the offer if she refuses. So that's how it went. Super glad it's over with and I'm hoping things improve from here.

 

[HopeRemains]

Sounds like Dad wants to be able to help but it is hard for you personally to deal with him (I understand). I am so glad for you that it's over and that maybe he can get on board and start helping instead of threatening!

 

[Californiablonde]

I hope so too and hope it wasn't all big talk just to impress the teachers and school psychiatric. He better mean it if he says it. Tomorrow if difficult child does not go to school I am going to be calling him for help. I just hope I don't get any flack from it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Don't TAKE flack.
He said it - and you're assuming he intends to follow through.
"For the good of the kids". 'Cause they are his kids too.

 

[HopeRemains]

You probably want to document all of this... maybe send him and email saying "Thank you for offering to help with difficult child...". Then if you try to take him up on it and he doesn't follow through, document!!!

 

[buddy]

Are you comfortable with your mother saying all those things to your ex like that? Im afraid she just gave him so much power. He now knows his threats hurt you. I just don't get it. Does she think he will suddenly be remorseful and stop?
Sorry, I just feel so badly for you when she steps in like that and you have complained that she gets in too much. If you wanted her to do it I apologize. I guess I just can't imagine my parents doing anything like that and we are very close.

Anyway, the meeting --- are you sure she is not now hitting a wall with her learning limits? Many kids can hold it together until they are older and then if they have processing problems or learning disabilities, it just gets too hard. Does she need a new assessment? I'd request a reevaluation in writing.

Have they done a functional behavior assessment? If.not its time to request this in writing too. Just saying "do it or else" is against sp ed rules. An assessment to identify the function of her behaviors must be done and then a positive behavior plan must be written based on developing skills with specific teaching and rewards for steps toward achieving the appropriate behaviors. That is a federal mandate for everyone on an iep. Search functional behavior assessment and positive behavior intervention plan here, on writeslaw and in a general search on the internet. This is why you need an advocate.

Hang in there. Hope gdg's dad doesn't get too inappropriate.

 

[Californiablonde]

Buddy, I did not want my mom to email him at all whatsoever. She did it behind my back. I am not happy. Now that he knows he is giving me anxiety, he could totally use that against me in court. I feel like she completely disregarded my feelings and went above and beyond her grandmotherly duty. But, my mom is fiercly loyal to her grandkids and she's quite stubborn when she feels they are being treated poorly. One thing I am glad is that she told him difficult child overheard stepmom say she hates her. difficult child overhears everything that goes on in that household, especially when stepmom screams, and I am glad he knows she heard it. Maybe now he will tell his wife what difficult child heard and she will try and behave more appropriately in the future. Anyway, what's done is done so there's nothing I can do about it now. As far as the behavior assesment? All of her assessments were done last year in middle school at her three year IEP so she does have a behavior plan put in place. difficult child says she didn't behave well in foods class because her aide wasn't there to help her for a couple of days. It goes to show that in some classes, she definitely needs the added support. Her incentive to change schools is for her to be able to function without the aide. difficult child knows this so now it's up to her to prove herself, if, that is, she can do it.

 

[buddy]

I'm sorry about your mom. You are going to have to make hard choices about any information you give her and whether she can be in your life.
Anyway, you can request update evaluations if their behavior plan is not working (based on evidence from what the stated behavior goals are and if there are new behaviors to analyze as well as if school work and iep goals are eshowing progress) and if she is not making progress in school. They are missing something.
An FBA is to be done for every separate behavior of concern so saying they already did it already won't get them off. Guesses at her motives or issues (research shows ) are wrong by most studies. Staff tends to state attention getting and lack of effort as most common theories. An fba actually is meant to look at the behaviors more objectively (when done properly) and skills need to be considered among other things like her level of anxiety and sensory concerns, etc.

Another option if you are feeling that they may have missed anything is to request an independent evaluation (overall and /or a functional behavior assessment ). This means they pay for an independent outside source to come in and to do the evaluation (s).

Yes its a ton of work. I am having them do a third FBA on Quin in the last two years ! It's the law.