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***** EX ***** UGH!!! need to vent!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 137947" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>sandman, </p><p></p><p>Hi there & Hugs. I'm sorry I missed this but wanted to let you know that while your xdh is whatever he is mine doesn't even rate that much - he is just lower case x. If he could be a blot on the screen that's what he'd be, but for argument sake I have to call him something so I chose what I felt was the lowest form of recognition. That being small x. </p><p></p><p>I have a few questions/suggestions/observations - </p><p></p><p>First of all - the sitting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours - um....I would have gone in and said "Okay boys Daddy is leaving say goodbye." and left him go home. You can't make a father love their kids or force or guilt him into staying longer and doing things that YOU thought he should do because he hasn't seen them in such a while. Forget shoulda woulda coulda. I would have said "Well thanks for a great time at the museum." and handed him his coat. You're not giving him an out- you're making use of YOUR valuable time and that should NOT have to include babysitting a sulking ex, waiting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours for YOU to come up with the next child/dad activity. If he can't think of something on his own? Fine - there's the door. </p><p></p><p>Planning the outings when it's totally up to your x should be left up to him. You don't need to go along. You should use that time for YOU. </p><p></p><p>As far as you sitting down to talk to your x and your son plopping in your lap. No maam. That was time that you needed to talk to your ex and a nice redirect could have been given to your son like "Oh I love to hug you-right now (set child on floor) I need 15 minutes to talk to Daddy and then I'm all yours for cuddling ." No buts, no apologies - just fact. </p><p></p><p>As far as the x's wife hitting your boys. Have you documented this behavior with the courts? Have you made out an incident report based on the kids telling you what is going on when they are alone with her? If not - why? Until you start documenting some of her behaviors - you aren't going to get custody with supervision or sole custody. Courts/police need evidence to substantiate your claims in court. </p><p></p><p> What would have possibly eliminated a total meltdown? Not using the words NOT UNTIL. Instead he could have said "I'll make a deal with you go pick up all your dirty clothes, put your toys in the toy box, make your bed, and pick up the trash and then I'll read a book to you." When you tell a child to go clean his room - he's clueless. If you start out by giving them a few (3 -4) chores to complete and accomplish then give them a reward it seems to them like OH - I can do those 4 things and then I get a reward. </p><p>Think of it like - if someone told us to go clean the barn. I may have a clue - but if someone gave me a list of explaining the tasks that I had to do, I could work better and as I get stuff on the list accomplished it makes the task seem more manageable - I can see an end in sight kinda logic. </p><p></p><p>As far as saying I'm calling the police in front of your kids? That only serves to scare them further than they are. You started off good by telling him if he didn't calm down he'd have to go - and then I would have just walked over to the door - opened it -pointed and said NOTHING - after you say If you don't calm down you're going to have to leave - you already stated what would happen - Either he calms down or leaves. He didn't choose a or b - he chose C - To stay and keep on. So then you have to dole out another verbal message - and it wasnt' necessary - The message was clear - Either behave or Leave - then show him the door. If he doesn't leave then, you pick up the phone and call the cops - don't threaten him with that - don't scare the kids with it - JUST CALL - If they show up after he's left - fine - problem solved. If you are that scared of him -then you need to get some counseling and advice through a womens shelter. You don't have to go there - you can call. The first inside cover of most phone books have the 1-800 domestic abuse hot line. </p><p></p><p>Oh and as far as him bantering on and on about who's fault it is? What do you care? You are going to be at fault for EVERYTHING in his skewed line of thinking - so you're really better off to just open the door- And point...you don't even need to say GET OUT. </p><p></p><p>When he leaves - there is no explaination due to your children. If they ask and you feel compelled to answer you simply say "When Daddy can play by the rules he can stay longer." Personally? I would find a mutual place to meet and never let him back in my home again. </p><p></p><p>I really think you should call a womens shelter and talk to someone there about how they can assist you. Remember this is your first rodeo - it's their 10,o00th....I think they know how to give good advice. - try it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 137947, member: 4964"] sandman, Hi there & Hugs. I'm sorry I missed this but wanted to let you know that while your xdh is whatever he is mine doesn't even rate that much - he is just lower case x. If he could be a blot on the screen that's what he'd be, but for argument sake I have to call him something so I chose what I felt was the lowest form of recognition. That being small x. I have a few questions/suggestions/observations - First of all - the sitting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours - um....I would have gone in and said "Okay boys Daddy is leaving say goodbye." and left him go home. You can't make a father love their kids or force or guilt him into staying longer and doing things that YOU thought he should do because he hasn't seen them in such a while. Forget shoulda woulda coulda. I would have said "Well thanks for a great time at the museum." and handed him his coat. You're not giving him an out- you're making use of YOUR valuable time and that should NOT have to include babysitting a sulking ex, waiting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours for YOU to come up with the next child/dad activity. If he can't think of something on his own? Fine - there's the door. Planning the outings when it's totally up to your x should be left up to him. You don't need to go along. You should use that time for YOU. As far as you sitting down to talk to your x and your son plopping in your lap. No maam. That was time that you needed to talk to your ex and a nice redirect could have been given to your son like "Oh I love to hug you-right now (set child on floor) I need 15 minutes to talk to Daddy and then I'm all yours for cuddling ." No buts, no apologies - just fact. As far as the x's wife hitting your boys. Have you documented this behavior with the courts? Have you made out an incident report based on the kids telling you what is going on when they are alone with her? If not - why? Until you start documenting some of her behaviors - you aren't going to get custody with supervision or sole custody. Courts/police need evidence to substantiate your claims in court. What would have possibly eliminated a total meltdown? Not using the words NOT UNTIL. Instead he could have said "I'll make a deal with you go pick up all your dirty clothes, put your toys in the toy box, make your bed, and pick up the trash and then I'll read a book to you." When you tell a child to go clean his room - he's clueless. If you start out by giving them a few (3 -4) chores to complete and accomplish then give them a reward it seems to them like OH - I can do those 4 things and then I get a reward. Think of it like - if someone told us to go clean the barn. I may have a clue - but if someone gave me a list of explaining the tasks that I had to do, I could work better and as I get stuff on the list accomplished it makes the task seem more manageable - I can see an end in sight kinda logic. As far as saying I'm calling the police in front of your kids? That only serves to scare them further than they are. You started off good by telling him if he didn't calm down he'd have to go - and then I would have just walked over to the door - opened it -pointed and said NOTHING - after you say If you don't calm down you're going to have to leave - you already stated what would happen - Either he calms down or leaves. He didn't choose a or b - he chose C - To stay and keep on. So then you have to dole out another verbal message - and it wasnt' necessary - The message was clear - Either behave or Leave - then show him the door. If he doesn't leave then, you pick up the phone and call the cops - don't threaten him with that - don't scare the kids with it - JUST CALL - If they show up after he's left - fine - problem solved. If you are that scared of him -then you need to get some counseling and advice through a womens shelter. You don't have to go there - you can call. The first inside cover of most phone books have the 1-800 domestic abuse hot line. Oh and as far as him bantering on and on about who's fault it is? What do you care? You are going to be at fault for EVERYTHING in his skewed line of thinking - so you're really better off to just open the door- And point...you don't even need to say GET OUT. When he leaves - there is no explaination due to your children. If they ask and you feel compelled to answer you simply say "When Daddy can play by the rules he can stay longer." Personally? I would find a mutual place to meet and never let him back in my home again. I really think you should call a womens shelter and talk to someone there about how they can assist you. Remember this is your first rodeo - it's their 10,o00th....I think they know how to give good advice. - try it. Hugs Star . [/QUOTE]
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