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***** EX ***** UGH!!! need to vent!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 138125" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>With arguments/discussion in front of the kids - not good. We had one last week with easy child 2/difficult child 2 screaming at difficult child 3 when he should not have been distracted from his schoolwork. I sent him to do his work in my bedroom, then that left me free to tell her why she was in the wrong. I wouldn't undermine her in front of difficult child 3, but nor would I have gotten anywhere with him still in the room and getting more upset by it all.</p><p></p><p>If you had sent your boys out of the room (invent a task, an errand maybe) then you would have been freer to say to EX, "You're supposed to be here to spend quality time with your children, sniping at me or them is not what it's supposed to be about. If you can't do this right, then don't disrupt them."</p><p></p><p>Your kids shouldn't hear this. If you and he were still married, I would say the same thing - have discussions about how to parent, NOT in earshot of the kids.</p><p></p><p>EX started this by wanting to talk about when the kids were to come and stay at his house again. That is NOT a discussion to have in front of the kids - if they learn that his partner hitting them is useful ammunition, they will learn to manipulate you both. it is at that point I would have said to EX, "Hang on a sec, I'll just settle the kids in the bath and then we can talk more privately."</p><p></p><p>Never disrupt your evening routine for visitors. If the kids are due for bath, or dinner, or bed - then X can pitch in and help. Or put up with their absence while they follow their routine.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I wouldn't have tolerated him sitting on the couch for so long unless he was interacting with the kids. Sitting there watching a football match on TV (or whatever he was doing) oblivious to the kids would have had me suggesting he go home to watch it.</p><p></p><p>EX laying down the law to difficult child 2 - it shouldn't have escalated. At the first sign of problems I would have marched difficult child 2 out of the room and left EX on his own. Maybe you could have got difficult child 2 into his pyjamas and then returned with him. I do wonder if EX said that so difficult child 2 would leave the room so EX could talk more freely. Was EX brushing difficult child 2 aside while talking to you? Kids need to know that parents sometimes need to discuss grown-up stuff, and they need to respect this and wait. They're more likely to respect this if they are kept in the loop, it's explained that for the next ten minutes mummy and daddy need some privacy while they talk, but after that he can have the cuddle and book read. "In the meantime, son - why not get your pyjamas on? Then you can enjoy the snuggle more, right before bedtime."</p><p></p><p>There are ways, and there are ways. Always keep in mind - what is the easiest and fastest way to get them to do what I want? Surprisingly, it generally is NOT nagging, or ordering.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 138125, member: 1991"] With arguments/discussion in front of the kids - not good. We had one last week with easy child 2/difficult child 2 screaming at difficult child 3 when he should not have been distracted from his schoolwork. I sent him to do his work in my bedroom, then that left me free to tell her why she was in the wrong. I wouldn't undermine her in front of difficult child 3, but nor would I have gotten anywhere with him still in the room and getting more upset by it all. If you had sent your boys out of the room (invent a task, an errand maybe) then you would have been freer to say to EX, "You're supposed to be here to spend quality time with your children, sniping at me or them is not what it's supposed to be about. If you can't do this right, then don't disrupt them." Your kids shouldn't hear this. If you and he were still married, I would say the same thing - have discussions about how to parent, NOT in earshot of the kids. EX started this by wanting to talk about when the kids were to come and stay at his house again. That is NOT a discussion to have in front of the kids - if they learn that his partner hitting them is useful ammunition, they will learn to manipulate you both. it is at that point I would have said to EX, "Hang on a sec, I'll just settle the kids in the bath and then we can talk more privately." Never disrupt your evening routine for visitors. If the kids are due for bath, or dinner, or bed - then X can pitch in and help. Or put up with their absence while they follow their routine. Personally, I wouldn't have tolerated him sitting on the couch for so long unless he was interacting with the kids. Sitting there watching a football match on TV (or whatever he was doing) oblivious to the kids would have had me suggesting he go home to watch it. EX laying down the law to difficult child 2 - it shouldn't have escalated. At the first sign of problems I would have marched difficult child 2 out of the room and left EX on his own. Maybe you could have got difficult child 2 into his pyjamas and then returned with him. I do wonder if EX said that so difficult child 2 would leave the room so EX could talk more freely. Was EX brushing difficult child 2 aside while talking to you? Kids need to know that parents sometimes need to discuss grown-up stuff, and they need to respect this and wait. They're more likely to respect this if they are kept in the loop, it's explained that for the next ten minutes mummy and daddy need some privacy while they talk, but after that he can have the cuddle and book read. "In the meantime, son - why not get your pyjamas on? Then you can enjoy the snuggle more, right before bedtime." There are ways, and there are ways. Always keep in mind - what is the easiest and fastest way to get them to do what I want? Surprisingly, it generally is NOT nagging, or ordering. Marg [/QUOTE]
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