Expect progress not perfection!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by KFld, Mar 11, 2011.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    This one takes a lot of practice for me!! difficult child has been doing great, going to work every day, even working Saturdays and getting in on time to make sure he gets his bonus, which is a dollar more an hour for the entire week if you don't miss one minute. Of course he's been making his bonus because my boyfriend and I have been driving him back and forth every day.
    His car still isn't fixed, which is totally stressing him out. His father agreed to pick him up last night at midnight, what a guy!!, and I was supposed to drive him. He called me to tell me a friend of his was going to give him a ride to work so I could have a day off. As soon as he said it I knew he was either going to be late and blow his bonus, or not go at all.
    I know he was late because my brother works there first shift and told my dad that he wasn't there when he left a little after four, so I'm not sure yet if he was just late, or didn't go.

    I know I can't babysit him, but here my boyfriend and I are killing ourselves getting him back and forth to work and trying to get his car fixed and all it takes for him to screw up work is running into a friend!

    Do they ever think 5 minutes ahead. Even if he was only 2 minutes late and still works Saturday his check will be $50 less without his bonus!!

    I do need to speak to my brother also though because he tells my father, then my father calls me all worried about him not going to work. I don't need my father worrying about all this stuff. I dont' tell him anything except that the kids are great!! I'll have to give my brother a call this afternoon.
     
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Boy, do I ever know this dilemma. It's frustrating because the path seems so obvious to us. And you know, of couse, you can't do a thing about it. He won't like having a check that's $50 smaller. Will he make the connection between the deficit and his being late? Maybe. Pray he does. In the meantime, you are modeling good behavior and, until his car is fixed, I would continue to do so. They learn from that even when they don't follow it right away. Every once and awhile, my daughter will say something that shows that she knows that she was shown the right way.

    You are so right to recognize that progress is still progress.

    Dash
     
  3. AHF

    AHF Member

    When Peter Pan was kicked out of his step-down program, the director said something that others had said but not so succinctly: We are working harder at helping you than you are at helping yourself. After that encounter, I thought about what the appropriate percentage should be. Assuming you're planning your days around how you can help difficult child, lying awake nights worrying, dipping into hard-earned cash or whatever--let's say the time- and energy-suck is about 8 hours a day. Is difficult child putting in 8 hours above and beyond basic expectations (self-care, work) to make his situation better? Does goal-setting and planning take up his evening time or his emotional energy? If not, pull back. And I suspect others would say it should be a lot better percentage than 50/50, but at least that's a start!
     
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I guess you have to step back and ask yourself -

    At what point do I stop and draw the lines again, and NOT FIX things for him once more and not allow that vicious cycle to begin again.

    I hate that. Deciding what is and what isn't crossing the line in detachment assistance with difficult child It's like ill-fitting underpants. Creeps up a little at a time until WHAM - full-on wedgie and you spend the rest of your day uncomfortable, and trying to indescreetly remove everything from the crack of your kiester without your friends knowing what you are doing and hope by the time you get it done you don't have a rash. Then exactly what do you do with those underpants?
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I guess he got in 15 minutes late because of traffic, but he did go to work, which still means he lost $50, but at least he didn't blow off the entire night. There were times in the past where he got in late, knew he blew his bonus and would just turn around and leave, so I guess the fact that he stayed knowing he lost his bonus is progress for him.

    His father picked him up from work last night and told him that it's the last time he's giving him a ride or doing anything for him at all. Basically told him have a nice life and figure it out yourself. My son said he didn't sleep all night long because his father pretty much just wrote him off and he doesn't understand because he's back on the suboxone, working and paying for his hotel. No I love you, take care of yourself, I'm here for you when your making the right decisions, nothing!!
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It does take practice to learn to accept progress instead of perfection. Odds are difficult child is never going to be "perfect" in his behavior.

    Nichole has made a vast amount of progress, and she still is no where near perfect. Of course I'm going to be 47 and I'm no where near it either. lol

    I'm glad to see difficult child is still trying and is making progress. That is the important part.

    Hugs
     
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