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<blockquote data-quote="TerryJ2" data-source="post: 112612" data-attributes="member: 3419"><p>Good question, Heather.</p><p></p><p>Lowering expectations doesn't mean giving up. It means giving yourself and your kids some slack. It means slowing down. Your bio says you have coronary artery disease, which implies to me that you are often tired. Hey, don't you think your body is trying to tell you something? Why do you listen to your kids and your mom and not your own body?</p><p></p><p>I agree with-Sharon that probability comes into play constantly with-our G'sFG, which would make us assume that we should lower our expectations. That means instead of expecting your kids to be ready in 5 min., expect 10. Instead of expecting a meltdown-free day, expect a meltdown-free morning. Or hour. </p><p>Also, expect that your G'sFG WILL achieve something in their lifetimes. Just not what the next-door-neighbors may achieve.</p><p></p><p>And I agree with-you that acceptance could come into play, but I think we can have expectations AND acceptance if we can learn to create a balance.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it would have been more accurate for your therapist to suggest that you reframe your expectations, both for yourself and your G'sFG. </p><p></p><p>I am assuming she didn't mean you couldn't have ANY expectations, just that they were out of whack, out of proportion to the probability that something would happen exactly as you hoped it would.</p><p></p><p>#3, a high pitch of expectation, sounds like what you're dealing with-now, in regard to being self-critical. </p><p></p><p>You cannot fix everything. Not the power outage down the street, not Bhutto's assassination, not your difficult child's depression. </p><p>What you can do is provide tools and guidance to help your difficult child navigate through life... which in and of itself is a pretty major task with-regular kids.</p><p>That you even give emotional credibility to your difficult child's concept that you fix everything is much too high of an expectation.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child and your mother are not in charge of your expectations.</p><p>YOU are.</p><p></p><p>I can say this much more easily now because, frankly, my mom has been gone for 2 yrs and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Your mother may not be as bad, but still, mothers have a way of putting on pressure either subtly or overtly.</p><p></p><p>Whenever things get to be too much at home, I put up my hands and say, "Hold it! There's only one of me!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TerryJ2, post: 112612, member: 3419"] Good question, Heather. Lowering expectations doesn't mean giving up. It means giving yourself and your kids some slack. It means slowing down. Your bio says you have coronary artery disease, which implies to me that you are often tired. Hey, don't you think your body is trying to tell you something? Why do you listen to your kids and your mom and not your own body? I agree with-Sharon that probability comes into play constantly with-our G'sFG, which would make us assume that we should lower our expectations. That means instead of expecting your kids to be ready in 5 min., expect 10. Instead of expecting a meltdown-free day, expect a meltdown-free morning. Or hour. Also, expect that your G'sFG WILL achieve something in their lifetimes. Just not what the next-door-neighbors may achieve. And I agree with-you that acceptance could come into play, but I think we can have expectations AND acceptance if we can learn to create a balance. Maybe it would have been more accurate for your therapist to suggest that you reframe your expectations, both for yourself and your G'sFG. I am assuming she didn't mean you couldn't have ANY expectations, just that they were out of whack, out of proportion to the probability that something would happen exactly as you hoped it would. #3, a high pitch of expectation, sounds like what you're dealing with-now, in regard to being self-critical. You cannot fix everything. Not the power outage down the street, not Bhutto's assassination, not your difficult child's depression. What you can do is provide tools and guidance to help your difficult child navigate through life... which in and of itself is a pretty major task with-regular kids. That you even give emotional credibility to your difficult child's concept that you fix everything is much too high of an expectation. Your difficult child and your mother are not in charge of your expectations. YOU are. I can say this much more easily now because, frankly, my mom has been gone for 2 yrs and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Your mother may not be as bad, but still, mothers have a way of putting on pressure either subtly or overtly. Whenever things get to be too much at home, I put up my hands and say, "Hold it! There's only one of me!" [/QUOTE]
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