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Explaining Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) to the Typical World - Guilt Trip
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 383838" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>WW, I also attend church. Ours is a very small community church but frankly, often the situation can be very similar. The problem is, church committees are NOT generally staffed by professionals but by untrained volunteers. These people are also often highly motivated but in their lack of training they can walk all over others and use their faith as justification. Not always, obviously, and not just churches or even places of religious worship. Sometimes it can be a secular organisation (the local athletics or sporting group) which causes you this sort of difficulty for similar reasons. You can get zealots in a secular sports group just as readily as in a religious group.</p><p></p><p>We've raised several Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids through our church. WHen I look back at the people we had problems with, none of them are church members now (they left because they could't control people as much as they wanted to). One woman left and then started up her own church - she calls herself "pastor" but has zero professional credentials. She is a very intelligent woman and deeply committed, but in her zeal she also treads on a lot of toes. I remember an incident with easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was about 10 years old. This woman had Sunday School duty that day and asked the children to close their eyes and visualise God. The woman asked the kids what they could see. easy child 2/difficult child 2, ever literal-minded, said, "All I can see is red." Which, if you close your eyes and are asked what you can see, is the light shining through your eyelids. But tis woman (who I now recognise as always needing a spiritual crisis to go and fix) declared to me, in hushed, horrified tones, that my daughter needed to be exorcised. When I failed to be equally horrified and panicked, this woman then said that no wonder my daughter had problems, since I clearly did not take the concerns seriously.</p><p>Frankly, my very bright easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to move away from church attendance at this point - there is something about being told in front of the other kids that you are possessed, that really causes rifts with some of the more vulnerable, younger kids...</p><p></p><p>Another incident, a man this time. He is a very strict, controlling parent (he also left a few years later when he could not drive the congregation towards a more narrow doctrinal position). He could not cope with a lot of interesting things - for example, he objected to those of us with choral ability, singing in harmony. To his mind, unison is the only valid musical expression. He actively tried to block the choir rehearsals and performances. But he also could not cope with my boys. difficult child 1 would often make noises and could not sit still. This man would get physical with difficult child 1, when husband & I were not there to witness. It was difficult child 3's godmother who caught this man literally dragging difficult child 1 to a chair and yelling at him to sit still. Godmother got in between them and sent difficult child 1 to find us and stay with us, while she tore strips off this guy. And I personally saw this same man get very angry with difficult child 3 for similar behaviours. I also had this man telephoning me and yelling at me, because word had got out about someone in his family (a health problem in her family had upset his young niece) and he thought I had been gossiping, and rang to abuse me before finding out if I had said anything. I was not the gossip, it was someone else. But he never apologised even after it was obvious it was not me. Mind you, it was his daughters who became difficult child 3's greatest champions at the local school; they were my 'moles' who would report quietly to me about incidents of teachers bullying difficult child 3. I don't think their father knew.</p><p></p><p>You get people like this in society. But in any organisation where there is a pastoral care component (and yes, you get this in sporting groups too) then you get the untrained fanatic who uses information as currency, or who uses their position to try to control other people. Just as the man at church was convinced that all that was wrong with my kids was lack of discipline (and he set out to provide that discipline when we were not looking, in order to be proven right), then so was the woman at church also trying to prove HER point and use her position to get her own kicks from creating a crisis then fixing it. These people are not experts, and if you think about it, the very organisation you count on for help and support is also the very type of organisation vulnerable to people like this stepping in and trying to assert their own controls, for their own ends. Of course they don't see it that way and would deny it if challenged - they can always find a quotation to justify their behaviour.</p><p></p><p>But what it comes down to - if you are religious, the church can be a wonderful support for you with a difficult child. Or it can be an unmitigated disaster. If things go bad, don't blame the church. Blame the individual who causes you grief. But be aware of the dangers and protect yourself. Do not leave your children unattended with anyone, but instead either volunteer yourself (so you are there as a witness) or keep your child at home. I sometimes left my children with godmother, or a couple of others I trusted, but I also made sure I was present at enough of these sessions so I had some idea of how these people operated. Only after I knew what these people would be like, did I trust them enough to look after my kids in the manner I required.</p><p></p><p>It is a temptation to enrol your child in various social or development groups, purely to have a bit of respite. But too often this is when your child is at risk of abuse. Not necessarily anything sinister, but abuse is abuse, and the man who dragged difficult child 1 to a chair was abusive, just as I consider it abusive when the woman was telling my daughter that seeing red through your eyelids when having your eyes closed and trying to visualise God, is actually symptomatic of demonic possession. Abuse can take many forms and can be found in many places, even where it is not intended or even seen as good moral guidance.</p><p></p><p>And I say this as a churchgoer myself. </p><p></p><p>Since then - easy child 2/difficult child 2 does have faith, but will not attend church willingly, it caused her too much distress to be 'outed' as 'possessed', in front of the Sunday School class of younger but impressionable children, when she was 10 years old. So the ultimate evangelical aims of the woman at church actually backfired badly. A pity. But this is what risks happening.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps you find the courage to stand up for your child and your family, against a control-freak and bully who is grossly invading your privacy. Nothing justifies such behaviour. Nothing.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 383838, member: 1991"] WW, I also attend church. Ours is a very small community church but frankly, often the situation can be very similar. The problem is, church committees are NOT generally staffed by professionals but by untrained volunteers. These people are also often highly motivated but in their lack of training they can walk all over others and use their faith as justification. Not always, obviously, and not just churches or even places of religious worship. Sometimes it can be a secular organisation (the local athletics or sporting group) which causes you this sort of difficulty for similar reasons. You can get zealots in a secular sports group just as readily as in a religious group. We've raised several Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids through our church. WHen I look back at the people we had problems with, none of them are church members now (they left because they could't control people as much as they wanted to). One woman left and then started up her own church - she calls herself "pastor" but has zero professional credentials. She is a very intelligent woman and deeply committed, but in her zeal she also treads on a lot of toes. I remember an incident with easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was about 10 years old. This woman had Sunday School duty that day and asked the children to close their eyes and visualise God. The woman asked the kids what they could see. easy child 2/difficult child 2, ever literal-minded, said, "All I can see is red." Which, if you close your eyes and are asked what you can see, is the light shining through your eyelids. But tis woman (who I now recognise as always needing a spiritual crisis to go and fix) declared to me, in hushed, horrified tones, that my daughter needed to be exorcised. When I failed to be equally horrified and panicked, this woman then said that no wonder my daughter had problems, since I clearly did not take the concerns seriously. Frankly, my very bright easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to move away from church attendance at this point - there is something about being told in front of the other kids that you are possessed, that really causes rifts with some of the more vulnerable, younger kids... Another incident, a man this time. He is a very strict, controlling parent (he also left a few years later when he could not drive the congregation towards a more narrow doctrinal position). He could not cope with a lot of interesting things - for example, he objected to those of us with choral ability, singing in harmony. To his mind, unison is the only valid musical expression. He actively tried to block the choir rehearsals and performances. But he also could not cope with my boys. difficult child 1 would often make noises and could not sit still. This man would get physical with difficult child 1, when husband & I were not there to witness. It was difficult child 3's godmother who caught this man literally dragging difficult child 1 to a chair and yelling at him to sit still. Godmother got in between them and sent difficult child 1 to find us and stay with us, while she tore strips off this guy. And I personally saw this same man get very angry with difficult child 3 for similar behaviours. I also had this man telephoning me and yelling at me, because word had got out about someone in his family (a health problem in her family had upset his young niece) and he thought I had been gossiping, and rang to abuse me before finding out if I had said anything. I was not the gossip, it was someone else. But he never apologised even after it was obvious it was not me. Mind you, it was his daughters who became difficult child 3's greatest champions at the local school; they were my 'moles' who would report quietly to me about incidents of teachers bullying difficult child 3. I don't think their father knew. You get people like this in society. But in any organisation where there is a pastoral care component (and yes, you get this in sporting groups too) then you get the untrained fanatic who uses information as currency, or who uses their position to try to control other people. Just as the man at church was convinced that all that was wrong with my kids was lack of discipline (and he set out to provide that discipline when we were not looking, in order to be proven right), then so was the woman at church also trying to prove HER point and use her position to get her own kicks from creating a crisis then fixing it. These people are not experts, and if you think about it, the very organisation you count on for help and support is also the very type of organisation vulnerable to people like this stepping in and trying to assert their own controls, for their own ends. Of course they don't see it that way and would deny it if challenged - they can always find a quotation to justify their behaviour. But what it comes down to - if you are religious, the church can be a wonderful support for you with a difficult child. Or it can be an unmitigated disaster. If things go bad, don't blame the church. Blame the individual who causes you grief. But be aware of the dangers and protect yourself. Do not leave your children unattended with anyone, but instead either volunteer yourself (so you are there as a witness) or keep your child at home. I sometimes left my children with godmother, or a couple of others I trusted, but I also made sure I was present at enough of these sessions so I had some idea of how these people operated. Only after I knew what these people would be like, did I trust them enough to look after my kids in the manner I required. It is a temptation to enrol your child in various social or development groups, purely to have a bit of respite. But too often this is when your child is at risk of abuse. Not necessarily anything sinister, but abuse is abuse, and the man who dragged difficult child 1 to a chair was abusive, just as I consider it abusive when the woman was telling my daughter that seeing red through your eyelids when having your eyes closed and trying to visualise God, is actually symptomatic of demonic possession. Abuse can take many forms and can be found in many places, even where it is not intended or even seen as good moral guidance. And I say this as a churchgoer myself. Since then - easy child 2/difficult child 2 does have faith, but will not attend church willingly, it caused her too much distress to be 'outed' as 'possessed', in front of the Sunday School class of younger but impressionable children, when she was 10 years old. So the ultimate evangelical aims of the woman at church actually backfired badly. A pity. But this is what risks happening. I hope this helps you find the courage to stand up for your child and your family, against a control-freak and bully who is grossly invading your privacy. Nothing justifies such behaviour. Nothing. Marg [/QUOTE]
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