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explosive anger......
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 303378" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there and welcome back <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" />. I read this and thought I'd share what happened in our blended family and what MAY be going on with your SO. I was parent in this case and husband was the step and my kids were NOT nice or respectful to him. These are the things that went through my head and how we finally resolved the problem.</p><p></p><p>1/"My god, I love him so much, but THEY don't. I picked him, they didn't. They love their father and don't want this interloper to tell them what to do, and I do understand it."</p><p></p><p>2/"I feel guilty. There's this new person in their lives and their confused already because of the divorce."</p><p></p><p>3/"This isn't working at all."</p><p></p><p>Ok, what husband and I decided to do is to let ME and my EX do the disciplining of the kids and he would function, not as a parent figure, but as a helpmate and friend. Instantly the antagonism died down when they realized he wasn't trying to be heir parent. I can't speak for your fiance's daughter, butu my own kids were 16, 15 and 8 at the time and none of them were going to let them him tell them what to do. It wasn't going to happen. The house was going to be in a constant state of chaos and fighting and they were all disrespectful. Punishing them only made them hate him more and I didn't want that atmosphere at home. </p><p></p><p>husband was more than glad to let me and ex do the disciplining. The kids had a good relationship with their father and when we parented together, they didn't feel like the outsider was bossing them around. I have very strong willed kids and no matter how much I loved my hub, THEY hadn't chosen him to be in their life and they weren't going to accept him as another parental figure. These kids are grown now and everyone gets along great, but this is how we handled it in our house. I'm guessing SO feels some guilt over the divorce and bringing you into their lives, even though I'm sure he loves you to pieces. He may not be able to be as hard on his daughter as you want him to be because he loves HER so much too and, even though stepdaughter behaved badly, I believe there is always some kid guilt with divorce. That's why we have Disneyland Dads. Guilt over divorce.</p><p></p><p>Don't let it break you up or cause too many problems, especially if you only have her sometimes. Get together and decide how you both want to handle this. You may want to do it differently than me and hub did, but you have to both be on the same page for anything to work. Also, every child is different and responds to different things. He can't force his daughter, especially at fourteen, to think of you as a parental figure or not to resent you (if she does). You may have to go to counseling together to try to figure out the best way to exist. We didn't have to go that far, but many families do. </p><p></p><p>Also, remember you're not married yet. My kids wanted to break us up until the wedding so they worse before than after. It's hard on EVERYONE in a blended family.</p><p></p><p>I wish you good luck. Keep us posted on how it all shakes out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 303378, member: 1550"] Hi there and welcome back :raspberry-tounge:. I read this and thought I'd share what happened in our blended family and what MAY be going on with your SO. I was parent in this case and husband was the step and my kids were NOT nice or respectful to him. These are the things that went through my head and how we finally resolved the problem. 1/"My god, I love him so much, but THEY don't. I picked him, they didn't. They love their father and don't want this interloper to tell them what to do, and I do understand it." 2/"I feel guilty. There's this new person in their lives and their confused already because of the divorce." 3/"This isn't working at all." Ok, what husband and I decided to do is to let ME and my EX do the disciplining of the kids and he would function, not as a parent figure, but as a helpmate and friend. Instantly the antagonism died down when they realized he wasn't trying to be heir parent. I can't speak for your fiance's daughter, butu my own kids were 16, 15 and 8 at the time and none of them were going to let them him tell them what to do. It wasn't going to happen. The house was going to be in a constant state of chaos and fighting and they were all disrespectful. Punishing them only made them hate him more and I didn't want that atmosphere at home. husband was more than glad to let me and ex do the disciplining. The kids had a good relationship with their father and when we parented together, they didn't feel like the outsider was bossing them around. I have very strong willed kids and no matter how much I loved my hub, THEY hadn't chosen him to be in their life and they weren't going to accept him as another parental figure. These kids are grown now and everyone gets along great, but this is how we handled it in our house. I'm guessing SO feels some guilt over the divorce and bringing you into their lives, even though I'm sure he loves you to pieces. He may not be able to be as hard on his daughter as you want him to be because he loves HER so much too and, even though stepdaughter behaved badly, I believe there is always some kid guilt with divorce. That's why we have Disneyland Dads. Guilt over divorce. Don't let it break you up or cause too many problems, especially if you only have her sometimes. Get together and decide how you both want to handle this. You may want to do it differently than me and hub did, but you have to both be on the same page for anything to work. Also, every child is different and responds to different things. He can't force his daughter, especially at fourteen, to think of you as a parental figure or not to resent you (if she does). You may have to go to counseling together to try to figure out the best way to exist. We didn't have to go that far, but many families do. Also, remember you're not married yet. My kids wanted to break us up until the wedding so they worse before than after. It's hard on EVERYONE in a blended family. I wish you good luck. Keep us posted on how it all shakes out. [/QUOTE]
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