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explosive anger......
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 303505" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You simply have VERY FEW choices here.</p><p></p><p>His dynamic will NOT change unless his life gets totally and undeniably horrid. Even then he probably will just refuse to cope. some people just will not cope. They pretend the problem isn't there, pacify anyone angry and try not to be noticed when responsibility or problems come down the pike.</p><p></p><p>He may be a guy, but he is doing a perfect Cleopatra routine. denial denial denial.</p><p></p><p>I venture a guess that alcohol is a problem with at least one of his relatives. This is NOT something I say to be mean in any way. It just may be one way for YOU to learn to cope. Much of his behavior with his ex and his kids and even his parents very much strikes me as adult child of an alcoholic behavior. There may be another substance that is/was abused instead of alcohol. </p><p></p><p>The help, for YOU, is the same no matter what was used. You MUST start going to AlAnon meetings. You do not have to tell anyone if you do not want to. There are lunch time meetings, morning, afternoon and evening meetings. Virtually every neighborhood has at least one meeting. Look up AA in the phone book or online. You can find out about AlAnon meetings that way.</p><p></p><p>Adult Child is one type of AlAnon meeting. Get some books about it. You will most likely be shocked at how much it contributes to the kind of denial and conflict avoidance he is using. </p><p></p><p>The why of how stepdau got her problems is less important than how YOU handle the situation.</p><p></p><p>You clearly cannot force SO to do anything. He just will become torn between her and you. It is not a battle you will ever win. </p><p></p><p>Instead of having her leave, you and your kids should go into another room with the movie (if it is a dvd you own or rent) or to watch another show. take whatever snacks you made, or make more if it will save on conflict. </p><p></p><p>Tell SO that instead of fighting about her, you will simply leave the room and take your kids with you instead of having stepdau be abusive. You do not support his parenting but recognize that you cannot parent her. You CHOOSE to not have her behavior inflicted upon you or your children, so you will do your movie time, dinner, whatever in another room. It means telling husband that his daughter is not welcome to share that time/activity with you and your children. It also means making it clear that HE is to be in a different room/part of the house from the activity.</p><p></p><p>You do NOT have to stay in a room and be abused by her. I might even say, "Excuse me. I am going elsewhere. I will not listen to this." then leave. move the festivities and your kids. </p><p></p><p>Tell your children and SO in advance, when you are calm. Let him know that you are not telling him how to parent, and you and yours will leave the room so he can handle the situation however he sees fit. You would appreciate it if he did not let her follow you or your kids because you do not want to interfere and you do not want your kids to think her behavior is something you will tolerate.</p><p></p><p>No matter what, YOU CANNOT PARENT ANYONE ELSE'S CHILD. Ever. Ever.. Ever.</p><p></p><p>Even if he and his ex agree you still cannot do it. You won't be effective. You will only cause problems and conflama. No one needs conflama. </p><p></p><p>Be her friend. Listen when she is not being abusive. Use the detachment phrases in the archives. </p><p></p><p>Detach from her and her behaviors. Talk to your kids. Tell them that you have no control over her behaviors and as long as she is not physically abusive all you can do is refuse to grace her with your presence. You do NOT condone her behavior and if your kids try that behavior the consequences will be swift and unpleasant. Keep reminding them of this. AWAY from stepdau, point out how ridiculous a person on an abusive tirade looks. If you just saw her face and gestures it would look ridiculous and just plain stupid. Assure your kids that if they try this they will look that way and you will tell them so, along with other consequences.</p><p></p><p>If stepdau asks you for permission for something, unless it is to use something of yours or your children's, send her to her father. Have her call him if he is not home. Every. single. time. It may drive him nuts but it is HIS job.</p><p></p><p>You really must get over your outrage and determination to "fix" his parenting and this girl. none of it is yours to handle. Turn it over to your higher power and focus on what you can change. </p><p></p><p>Many hugs. I know how hard this is. But it can and WILL ruin your relationship if you go much farther.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 303505, member: 1233"] You simply have VERY FEW choices here. His dynamic will NOT change unless his life gets totally and undeniably horrid. Even then he probably will just refuse to cope. some people just will not cope. They pretend the problem isn't there, pacify anyone angry and try not to be noticed when responsibility or problems come down the pike. He may be a guy, but he is doing a perfect Cleopatra routine. denial denial denial. I venture a guess that alcohol is a problem with at least one of his relatives. This is NOT something I say to be mean in any way. It just may be one way for YOU to learn to cope. Much of his behavior with his ex and his kids and even his parents very much strikes me as adult child of an alcoholic behavior. There may be another substance that is/was abused instead of alcohol. The help, for YOU, is the same no matter what was used. You MUST start going to AlAnon meetings. You do not have to tell anyone if you do not want to. There are lunch time meetings, morning, afternoon and evening meetings. Virtually every neighborhood has at least one meeting. Look up AA in the phone book or online. You can find out about AlAnon meetings that way. Adult Child is one type of AlAnon meeting. Get some books about it. You will most likely be shocked at how much it contributes to the kind of denial and conflict avoidance he is using. The why of how stepdau got her problems is less important than how YOU handle the situation. You clearly cannot force SO to do anything. He just will become torn between her and you. It is not a battle you will ever win. Instead of having her leave, you and your kids should go into another room with the movie (if it is a dvd you own or rent) or to watch another show. take whatever snacks you made, or make more if it will save on conflict. Tell SO that instead of fighting about her, you will simply leave the room and take your kids with you instead of having stepdau be abusive. You do not support his parenting but recognize that you cannot parent her. You CHOOSE to not have her behavior inflicted upon you or your children, so you will do your movie time, dinner, whatever in another room. It means telling husband that his daughter is not welcome to share that time/activity with you and your children. It also means making it clear that HE is to be in a different room/part of the house from the activity. You do NOT have to stay in a room and be abused by her. I might even say, "Excuse me. I am going elsewhere. I will not listen to this." then leave. move the festivities and your kids. Tell your children and SO in advance, when you are calm. Let him know that you are not telling him how to parent, and you and yours will leave the room so he can handle the situation however he sees fit. You would appreciate it if he did not let her follow you or your kids because you do not want to interfere and you do not want your kids to think her behavior is something you will tolerate. No matter what, YOU CANNOT PARENT ANYONE ELSE'S CHILD. Ever. Ever.. Ever. Even if he and his ex agree you still cannot do it. You won't be effective. You will only cause problems and conflama. No one needs conflama. Be her friend. Listen when she is not being abusive. Use the detachment phrases in the archives. Detach from her and her behaviors. Talk to your kids. Tell them that you have no control over her behaviors and as long as she is not physically abusive all you can do is refuse to grace her with your presence. You do NOT condone her behavior and if your kids try that behavior the consequences will be swift and unpleasant. Keep reminding them of this. AWAY from stepdau, point out how ridiculous a person on an abusive tirade looks. If you just saw her face and gestures it would look ridiculous and just plain stupid. Assure your kids that if they try this they will look that way and you will tell them so, along with other consequences. If stepdau asks you for permission for something, unless it is to use something of yours or your children's, send her to her father. Have her call him if he is not home. Every. single. time. It may drive him nuts but it is HIS job. You really must get over your outrage and determination to "fix" his parenting and this girl. none of it is yours to handle. Turn it over to your higher power and focus on what you can change. Many hugs. I know how hard this is. But it can and WILL ruin your relationship if you go much farther. [/QUOTE]
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