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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 606699" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Well, the book seems to be all about giving parents the skills to interact with their explosive children differently to make them less explosive. It's quite true that he refers occasionally to seeing a therapist to review and work with those skills (I imagine there he is reproducing sessions he himself had, or perhaps inventing fictional ones?) and if there were a skilled therapist available to help me/us in this process, for sure I would seek him or her out - like a shot! For sure. But there isn't, so... doing it by myself is way preferable to continuing on in the old maladaptive way with J exploding and me exploding in his wake...</p><p>There is a conundrum, I feel, one that will touch most of us here, I guess. Society is as it is and it is not going to change to accommodate our different children. They need to learn to fit in as much as is possible for them since it isn't for the most part going to happen the other way round. However... trying to make them fit in by using the same methods as are used on other children just doesn't work. They have special needs. My getting angry with or punishing J for his public meltdowns - and, yes, it is worrying that these are continuing and actually getting worse cos he didn't use to have them - doesn't help him stop having them. Because the problem really isn't there and Dr Greene is really right when he talks about lagging skills. </p><p>I like the Explosive Child (the book not the actual child so much <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> ) I like the philosophy, the compassion and wisdom behind it. And the fact that it's tried and tested. It is non violent and therefore much more likely to work in the end. Probably it would be good to use with ALL kids but it has to be good to use with our difficult ones who cannot just fall in with other's plans and wishes. </p><p>I think it could work with J. Example from last night: the usual battleground over his homework, which was reading over a text. He had a huge amount to do, which I knew would not be realistic, so I said we would do a page - which I had written out for him, because the original text was way too small, and coloured some of the words, which helps him focus his eyes. Anyway he did, reluctantly, a paragraph and then refused to do more - usual thing, said he was very tired, couldn't go on, nothing would budge him. I didn't do the empathy step of asking what his concern was but went straight to asking if he had any suggestions as to how we could resolve our problem? And he came up, straight away, with a really good one... I could read the text to him as he followed it. And actually this is helpful to him and as I did it, he then wanted to chip in and read some of the words!</p><p>It is true that the world does not work this way and will not work this way with our kids. But that DOES NOT MATTER, I feel. We have to try to build their self-esteem and sense of rightness about themselves (not easy, not easy at times) so that they will be better armed to face a world into which they do not readily fit and negotiate it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 606699, member: 11227"] Well, the book seems to be all about giving parents the skills to interact with their explosive children differently to make them less explosive. It's quite true that he refers occasionally to seeing a therapist to review and work with those skills (I imagine there he is reproducing sessions he himself had, or perhaps inventing fictional ones?) and if there were a skilled therapist available to help me/us in this process, for sure I would seek him or her out - like a shot! For sure. But there isn't, so... doing it by myself is way preferable to continuing on in the old maladaptive way with J exploding and me exploding in his wake... There is a conundrum, I feel, one that will touch most of us here, I guess. Society is as it is and it is not going to change to accommodate our different children. They need to learn to fit in as much as is possible for them since it isn't for the most part going to happen the other way round. However... trying to make them fit in by using the same methods as are used on other children just doesn't work. They have special needs. My getting angry with or punishing J for his public meltdowns - and, yes, it is worrying that these are continuing and actually getting worse cos he didn't use to have them - doesn't help him stop having them. Because the problem really isn't there and Dr Greene is really right when he talks about lagging skills. I like the Explosive Child (the book not the actual child so much :) ) I like the philosophy, the compassion and wisdom behind it. And the fact that it's tried and tested. It is non violent and therefore much more likely to work in the end. Probably it would be good to use with ALL kids but it has to be good to use with our difficult ones who cannot just fall in with other's plans and wishes. I think it could work with J. Example from last night: the usual battleground over his homework, which was reading over a text. He had a huge amount to do, which I knew would not be realistic, so I said we would do a page - which I had written out for him, because the original text was way too small, and coloured some of the words, which helps him focus his eyes. Anyway he did, reluctantly, a paragraph and then refused to do more - usual thing, said he was very tired, couldn't go on, nothing would budge him. I didn't do the empathy step of asking what his concern was but went straight to asking if he had any suggestions as to how we could resolve our problem? And he came up, straight away, with a really good one... I could read the text to him as he followed it. And actually this is helpful to him and as I did it, he then wanted to chip in and read some of the words! It is true that the world does not work this way and will not work this way with our kids. But that DOES NOT MATTER, I feel. We have to try to build their self-esteem and sense of rightness about themselves (not easy, not easy at times) so that they will be better armed to face a world into which they do not readily fit and negotiate it. [/QUOTE]
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