extended families.....?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, May 6, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning

    sooo i was just wondering for any of you, how does your extended family handle what your easy child/difficult child has done? Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

    do they keep to themselves, still handle your child as a grandparent, or do they get involved, take stances also? get involved in other words and make it their battle as well? I'm wondering......

    Here is what is happening on my end:

    I woke up today to see my brother who is only 23 post an update status on facebook that reads" I used to have 2 nieces, now i have 1. at least she knows how to treat people."

    Needless to say this upset me. He is very young, inexperienced and tends to copy my Mom's take on just about everything....... Spoke to my mom the other day who stated well if you did mother's day here i dont' know if i want to do a cake for easy child, get her a gift etc. I said that's why we arent' coming. it's better to contain it, no need to put you guys in that position.

    easy child didn't show up for my stepdad's dad's funeral. easy child and my stepdad her pop pop have always been very close, except the past few years.

    so any thoughts, or experience how your family has handled it?

    I text my brother and told him to please remove it. I am not publically going there on facebook and he shouldnt' afterall we'rethe immediate family and chose not to bash her on a social network why should he? i'm sure he'll remove it.
     
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, for starters, your brother was wrong to post something that should remain private within the family/extended family - not for the entire world to see and cause bad feelings. I have noticed that 23 year olds these days may as well be 14 year olds - they behave like adolescents in so many aspects, makes me question our world and other parents out there, really.

    In my family, I regret sharing so much of our difficulties concerning difficult child with one sister in particular. Years later, it all came out in the wash that her children have their own issues while for years she tried to come across as being the only sibling in the family with perfect children - ha! A laugh in its truest form!

    Throughout all the years I really made an effort to NOT give anything away on MySpace or Facebook (barely even used MySpace - it was a way to keep an eye on difficult child, really). difficult child, on the other hand, posted every little seemingly insignificant detail, which in turn, caused exh's family to call me on several occasions inquiring as to what was going on...why was difficult child so _____(fill in any emotion she was feeling that moment). I finally developed a standard answer to them: "She's a teenager - would you like to speak directly with her?" and left it at that. I hated using that as an excuse, but there it is. I had my own limitations on how much I could stand! Incidentally, my exsisterinlaw threw difficult child's sexual assault in difficult child's face at a recent family gathering and it really upset difficult child (and the rest of us - of course, exh didn't say a word, but he did giggle because he knew difficult child was about to go off on her aunt). What her aunt said was completely out of line, not to mention out of left field. I defriended her on facebook and during my recent visit to LI, I made no effort to see her - I don't trust what I might say face to face, Know what I mean??

    Anyway, I learned, through trial and error, which extended family members I could trust and which ones I could not (for instance, loco sister).

    I think your asking your brother to remove his status was okay and I think you just need to be careful who you share with going forward.
     
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Jena,

    He had NO right to post that. I am a firm believer that FB should not be used to air your family business nor your work issues, problems, etc.

    As far as my family goes, my Mom and Dad just called me and told me they were up tossing and turning all night worrying about my difficult child. I posted a thread about his progress report yesterday.

    They are extremely supportive. husband's family has no clue he has any issues and neither do alot of our family and friends.

    We keep it private due to people running their big ole mouths !

    We do have close friends and family who we confide in (those who want the best for difficult child and our family)

    I am sorry your brother pulled this junk on you and your daughter. NOT FAIR ! Shelly
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Posting that is just hurtful. Perhaps in his inexperienced way he was trying to get easy child's attention. But a public forum is not the way to do that.

    I come from an extended family FULL of difficult children. difficult children actually out number pcs probably 10 to 1. lol Gfgdom is taken rather in stride. husband's family........ehh, was a bit of issues with his bro until they had issues with their own daughter, then they got it. They've got a grandchild that is so over the top I know it's breaking their hearts......it's hard for me to watch, so I can imagine.

    My opinion is family love is unconditional. You can hate the behaviors, but still love the person. The two are separate.

    As far as grandparents............mother in law never wavered a moment on anything. She was grandma no matter what up until the end. Except with katie. That whole abandon the family thing broke her heart........because she had to watch it break MY heart that she was done. She never said a word to anyone except me. My mom? Figures I've got it covered. Doesn't say much of anything in about the last 5 yrs. Aunts/uncles.........are dealing with their own difficult children.....and compared to theirs? Mine are angels. lol No judgements there.

    I'd ask bro to remove the post and let you, her mother, handle the situation as you feel best.
     
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I think you're perfectly in line to have asked bro to remove the post; however, he's not that far off in age from easy child...maybe its good to see in black and white what her actions are costing her.

    As for my family, pretty much anyone who has a need to know, knows. My bro's and sister in law and several others don't have a daily need to know, but they are supporters, so I update when we see them, overall status type of thing. The Brooms? I have given them literature to read on aspie behaviors. I have given them the reports from some of the docs and IHBT's. they choose to still blame me. So I distance myself. They don't have any interactions with Wee without me, so they don't need to know jack, so that's what I tell them. If they ask, I give them bs sugar-coated line that doesn't amount to a hill of beans and go on.

    As for laundry on facebook, I write about the brooms there, and some husband grumblings. But if you don't know those situations anyway, you won't know what I'm talking about. But it is how I cope with the Brooms' bs, I make fun of it.
     
  6. P-nut2004

    P-nut2004 New Member

    Jena, I think you were right in asking your bro to remove the post. I also think HD & Shari were right that he was probably aiming it at easy child to get her attention and make a point. Not a good way to do it but I have been guilty of this on FB in the past (jabbing at someone publicly to get their attention) but I don't post about difficult children issues and would be upset if others did.

    As far as our extended fam goes I was just venting about that in the 'Child Envy' post in GP.....most of them dont 'get it' and either blame me or husband (depending whose family they're in). One in particular 'W' is really horrible, makes ugly remarks, asks rude questions, brings things up in front of others who have no need to know. I have stopped sharing things with W but she is around ALOT as her husband is my DHs cousin and best friend. She and I used to be very close but because she refuses to understand and accept Ls issues I try to distance myself. W is definitely still a difficult child; she, her husband & 1yr old son live with her parents, she is typically very spacey & we joke about it but honestly the more time I spend with her & the more I try to explain things to her (just about life in general) the more I wonder if she has LDs & was never diagnosed, so I try not to be too hard on her even tho her ignorant comments & the fact that she fusses at L constantly drives me nuts!!

    My brother, who is also 23 by the way but very mature (I take credit for that ;) I raised him) is very accepting of Ls dxs, very concerned about her and tries to help as much as he can. He definitely takes a stand with her & tries to help enforce things we set in place. His SO 'KL' however was my BFF and then they got together about a yr ago, her 6yo daughter 'D' is Ls best buddy and has alot of the same issues as L. However KL refuses to accept Ls dxs, thinks the doctors are wrong or she will grow out of it & she shouldnt be on medications, she takes the same attitude toward my own dxs. Personally Im convinced this is because KL's in denial that she and D both need help.

    My mom and I don't talk much, when I first confided in her about Ls troubles and how stressed I was she told me "Just send L out here to live with me if you can handle it" and proceeded to tell me L has issues because of my issues & Im not being a good mom.....like she would kno. I have issues because of her, she was an abusive alcoholic, left me to care for my baby bro (I swear at 7 I was home alone babysitting my infant bro) then topped it off by taking us to Las Vegas to live in hotels so she could be with an abusive boyfriend. I left at 15 because of this and by 18 had my 12yo bro living with me and raised him right up thru high school and into the Army. So anything my mom says isn't worth a flip & she's too far away for me to worry about it! My dad and gma are both somewhat supportive although they dont understand 'why' L is the was she is, dont approve of the medications & are not patient enough to watch L for me.

    Most of DHs fam is convinced I must have caused Ls problems, except father in law & SMIL who love me & totally understand because their other son 'J' who is 20 is still a difficult child and has ASPD with a mile long rap sheet. Dhs youngest sister (from father in law & SMIL) is 18 and is Ls favorite relative, L will listen to her, behave for her, its phenomenal to watch. She has decided to move in with us after school ends this year to help me, which I am thrilled about but Im also afraid L will adjust to her as well and not magically behave for her anymore. mother in law is almost as bad as W about yelling at L for everything. mother in law, SFIL & MILs Mom live together & all think L can be disciplined out of this, L does not go see them anymore & they are not informed of anything that happens, same with DHs siblings from mother in law & SFIL.

    So that's a grand total of 4 ppl in our fams that actually understand L & are fully supportive.

    As far as friends go Im down to just a couple close ones; one BFF since 7th grade who has difficult child kids and is my kids' "Aunt" and one good friend who doesnt really get it but listens to me without criticizing & is very patient with L although she will not babysit her.

    LoL didnt realize how long this was til I posted it srry
     
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Funny thing here...

    father in law thinks Onyxx needs a good spanking and lots of lecturing on how to be a good kid.

    mother in law just wants to blame BM - and when husband isn't around, she puts him down too. Found out she does the same thing about me. Our fault.

    BM says it's all husband's fault. Comes up with neat stories, too. (Magical thinking at its finest...)

    BM's mother? Thinks if everyone made an effort to get along all the problems would vanish, but screams at husband because he refuses to let BM in the house when she is picking up/dropping off Jett. Errrrrr...

    My parents. Think we all (including them) need counseling, are willing to help finance it. No longer in the dark. Mom's a little negative about Onyxx's behavior, but they've put supports in place as necessary...
     
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Hi

    yes i agree i did speak to him at length...... he removed it. he's young, reactive etc. i told my mother same thing as well. got the extended family in line. thank god wasn't sooo bad.
     
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