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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 78628" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hi Skylark, I think I understand what you feel when you say "I don't know how to love her". I think we all do to some extent. We love our kids but it seems to get submerged under the resentment at how they have thrown away our love, have no clue about what they've done -- using every good thing we've given them to self-destruct and responding to the lessons we try, out of love, to teach them with hateful and spiteful words and actions and more self-destruction. Then we feel bad for resenting them so when we are supposed to love them. You are not alone. Detachment is the only way to stop the cycle, I think. I'm still working on detachment myself, I need to practice it a lot better than I do, but I believe it's true that we have to stop letting their bad decisions be in control of our ability to love them. If that makes any sense. </div></div></p><p></p><p>Here We Go Again has so aptly described what happens to those of us trying to love, and to parent, an addicted child. I think it is the resentment that tears us up and creates our depression. It makes us wonder if maybe that is what the child is responding to, and perpetuates the cycle of guilt.</p><p></p><p>We try harder.</p><p></p><p>But the problem never was how we parented.</p><p></p><p>The problem is that the child is making choices that horrify us.</p><p></p><p>We need to understand that cycle and break free of it so we can see clearly and parent correctly.</p><p></p><p>Very good advice, Here We Go Again.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 78628, member: 1721"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hi Skylark, I think I understand what you feel when you say "I don't know how to love her". I think we all do to some extent. We love our kids but it seems to get submerged under the resentment at how they have thrown away our love, have no clue about what they've done -- using every good thing we've given them to self-destruct and responding to the lessons we try, out of love, to teach them with hateful and spiteful words and actions and more self-destruction. Then we feel bad for resenting them so when we are supposed to love them. You are not alone. Detachment is the only way to stop the cycle, I think. I'm still working on detachment myself, I need to practice it a lot better than I do, but I believe it's true that we have to stop letting their bad decisions be in control of our ability to love them. If that makes any sense. </div></div> Here We Go Again has so aptly described what happens to those of us trying to love, and to parent, an addicted child. I think it is the resentment that tears us up and creates our depression. It makes us wonder if maybe that is what the child is responding to, and perpetuates the cycle of guilt. We try harder. But the problem never was how we parented. The problem is that the child is making choices that horrify us. We need to understand that cycle and break free of it so we can see clearly and parent correctly. Very good advice, Here We Go Again. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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