Face Off grrrrrrrr

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 3, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    The new school quarter starts on monday. Both Nichole and I will be in school, baby will be in daycare full time. So, I've been trying to get caught up and some of the huge cleaning out of the way so that all we have to do is keep it up every day while in school. (so hopefully this time the house doesn't go into disaster appearance)

    Nichole is responsible for anything to do with her or the baby. Lately she's been doing laundry, then leaving the washed clothes unfolded in baskets or piled on the folding table in the laundry room. If I or husband would do a load of clothes, sure enough, they'd be tossed out of the dryer onto the floor or wherever so she could do hers. This has been an ongoing problem getting worse with time. In the past I've folded her laundry and put it on her bed to get it out of the laundry room.

    The last couple of weeks I've refused to do it. Since Nichole will toss a load in everyday, it didn't take long before the laundry room became a mess. I'm talking a mountain of hers and the baby's clothing making it nearly impossible to even get to the washer and dryer. I've been telling her everyday to put the clothes away so I can do laundry and clean. I even stopped giving her rides hoping to motivate her.

    Didn't work.

    Okay, so it's God awful. So yesterday I decide it's time to tackle the laundry and the laundry room. (a feat unto it's self) It's so bad that I'm still doing laundry today. Although I have the stuff out of the laundry room and am now just doing the laundry I couldn't do because it was such a cluttered mess before.

    Ninety-five percent of the clothes I rewashed/folded yesterday were Nichole's and Aubrey's. (she has boyfriend, easy child, and boyfriend/'s family buy her clothes here of late when they have nothing to wear) FIVE hampers went into her room. And I STILL have at least 3 more of just their stuff to do. :grrr: She and the baby now have enough clothes for about 3 people each.

    When she came home last night I told her to get them put away. I'd piled them onto her bed. She said she'd do it later because the baby needed to go to bed. I told her that if those clean clothes ended up back in the laundry room as "dirty" clothes again I'd throw them away. One of her tactics is to toss the clean clothes onto the floor instead of putting them away. Then after about a week of walking all over them she decides their dirty again and right back into the laundry room they go.

    Guess where the clothes are? grrrr

    Nichole has also been avoiding the cleaning by skipping out to boyfriend's house.

    On top of this, she's on a new kick for a puppy. (will this EVER stop?) She's been hounding me non stop for days, regardless of how many millions of times I've told her NO. Finally I got so sick of hearing about how she NEEDS a puppy that I told her "fine! Then move out and then go get a puppy!"

    It started again this morning when she started waking me up at 8am. :grrr:

    Yes. My daughter thinks it's her right to wake me up in the mornings. Something we've been going round and round about since the baby was born.

    Now sleeping at night for me is a major problem. If it's not insomnia, it's my kidneys giving me hell. And my kidneys have been giving me major problems of late. (which is why the household chores have been falling behind) So I'm lucky to be falling asleep by around 4am. Nichole's in my room anywhere from 7-9am trying to wake me up.

    This morning I didn't get to sleep til after 4. So her waking me at 8 didn't exactly put me into a pleasant mood. Having her start in once again about the damn puppy the moment I came downstairs, only made it worse. I told her there wasn't going to be a new puppy in this house and to SHUT UP about it I was sick of hearing her beg like a 6 yr old!

    Nichole was instantly furious. Decided she was going to boyfriend's. Was smart enough NOT to ask me for a ride. Gets on the phone with boyfriend, they get into a huge fight because he doesn't want to come and get her.

    I said something to Nichole, can't recall what it was cuz it wasn't really anything, and she yelled at me to SHUT UP!

    OH NO SHE DIDN'T! :nonono:


    I told her she WILL NOT ever think to speak to me that way in my home. She got mouthy. I reminded her that she IS NOT a child anymore and is living here only as a privilege. So she mouths off and tells me she's moving out. (while still fighting with boyfriend on the phone) How she hates it hear. How I'm an :censored2:, ect.

    boyfriend will not give her a ride. It's 12 degrees outside with snow and ice on the sidewalks and side streets. She threatens to walk. Then asks him to pick her up. All the while fighting with him.

    She hangs up on boyfriend and proceeds to put the baby in her snowsuit. She is determined to walk to boyfriend's house. But then has the audacity to ask me if I'll give her a ride over there. I said sure, once she put all her clean laundry away and cleaned the livingroom and her bedroom.

    That made her even madder. So Nichole tells me she's walking to boyfriend's. I said fine. But when dcfs gets a call on her for taking the baby out walking in minus zero windchill, not to come crying to me about it.

    Somehow Travis slipped her the 5 bucks for cab fare. He couldn't stand the thought of Nichole taking the baby out in the cold.

    Is she going to move out?

    I doubt it. boyfriend has been avoiding the whole moving in together issue every since she came of age. And I seriously doubt his parents would welcome her with open arms. (especially after the recent row with boyfriend's Mom)

    Nichole has gotten into a habit of entitlement, using the baby as blackmail, and mouthing off, disrespting boyfriend and his parents. Now it's beginning to overflow here.

    Nope. Won't happen. I won't tolerate it. Baby or no baby, she will NOT live under my roof as an adult child and treat me with disrespect.

    The above things brought it to a head. But there are other things going on too. More and more Nichole is behaving like stepgfg did when she lived with us with Kayla. Even care of the baby is starting to suffer, and I find I'm having to stay on her about it. She's sliding backward into more of a "teen kid" role despite my efforts to stop it.

    As long as she can remain respectful, she can stay here. If she won't, well there is always the HUD apartment complex where she can live for free. Her choice.

    How on earth did I ever believe that once my kids were grown life would be peachy keen?? :rolleyes:
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Sometimes when we are too close to a situation it's hard for us to separate emotion and logic. Not that you don't have both, it's just more fun to use emotion in the heat of the moment.

    First of all - I guess I would like to know if you washed all those clothes - why would you put them in her room AGAIN? Bag them up, tie them shut, haul them to the basement. If she's out of clothes - she can earn them back. A few outfits at a time but enough clothes for 3 people - not realistic. Not to mention the time, water, detergent, softner, drying, electricity and your labor to do them. Go get them off her bed - leave a few outfits and haul the rest to the basement or good will.

    I wouldn't even comment on the puppy again. Except to say - if you can't even do laundry I sure don't expect you to pick up poop - and I'm already doing your laundry. DISCUSSION CLOSED. NO DOG. She can't afford a car, but wants to drag another life into YOUR house and have you pay for vet bills, grooming, shots, then there is flea protection - or you could all live with fleas, and if it's outside then there is a house - and why anyone would leave a dog OUTSIDE in OHIO in the winter is beyond me. So tell her that she can have whatever she wants when she gets her own home, but as for you and yours? NO DOG. Not fair to an animal, not fair to you.

    I'm sure Travis meant well and you can't ever get between a brother and a sister - so the fact that he slipped her $5.00 for cab fare would tell me she had to have SOME money - to add to the $5.00. And then again - THAT $5.00 could /should have gone to YOU for powder to wash her clothes and the babys.

    I think you are too nice. You be as nice as you wanna be, and you're going to be a door mat for a long time. Call my son right now and ask him what happened the last time he threw clean clothes on the floor after I took the time to pick them up, sort, wash, dry, fold , hang - THEY GOT PUT INTO A GARBAGE BAG and stayed there. Dude wore the same outfit for 3 days to be stubborn and then BEGGED me for SOME of his clothes back - and my comment? THE OUTFIT that you have on? IS ON THE FLOOR - doesn't show me a dang thing. 2 days later - and after borrowing a friends outfit - he hung his stuff up. i think our kids have too much. Dude now is on NO clothes allowance and is being forced at the group home to keep his room clean and clothes hung up - the owner told him "BOY clothes don't belong on the floor - if they did you'd have to go to Walmart and search through piles to buy stuff. So hang it up." And most times except for a pair of pants or two - he does. They take clothes there too.

    And the next time she decided to "use" the baby - I would have a plan established on what I would do - using your granddaughter to get what she wants isn't mature it's just wrong. Maybe someone else will have experience with grands and be able to help you with some ideas for her doing this. I'm so sorry for you and the baby - I think I would have told her 'GO NOW - and put her out and said when she was able to get a grip she could dress and take the baby- But anger isn't a behavior that needs to rub off on your grandkid OR that you need to handle daily 0r biweekly -

    I'm just so sorry for you , you've got enough going. At her age she's supposed to be a help not a harpie.

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter pretty much thinks that if I say something rude to her like shut up, she has the right to say it to me. I don't entirely agree with that thinking but I can see her logic, so I'm very careful to not say something I don't want to hear back. There's enough things to argue about without adding things to the mix.

    Mine's also one who thinks nothing of leaving her stuff in the laundry room. That is one she has NOT learned by example. I wash, I fold, I put it away right away. Also, like yours, if I put it in her room she would dump it on the floor and wash it again the next week. This finally stopped when she no longer had access to MY washer and dryer. She could either wear dirty clothes or go to the laundromat. After a month of that, she asked me very nicely if she could try again. She will occasionally leave her clothes in the dryer or the like. I won't fold them, but I will dump them on her bed. They now get put away.

    My daughter wants to be treated her age. I tell her when she acts her age, I will treat her as such. However, when she chooses to act like a 6 YO or a 14 YO, I will treat her that age. The choice is hers. Act like an adult -- make reasonable decisions, take care of your responsibilities without being nagged -- and you'll be treated like an adult. Whine, pout, refuse to do what is expected of you and I'll treat you like the little kid you are and, yes, that includes being sent to your room and being grounded. As I not so kindly remind her, she's not paying half of the expenses or doing half the chores, so it is my house, my rules. If you don't like them, find a place to live where you can make the rules.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that you bagged up the clothes that she put back into the laundry room. Or are they all over the floor?

    How is she paying for college? She should really talk to her guidance counselor and tell them that you have given her a move out date and what type of program do they have to get her into assisted or student housing and daycare for the baby? They won't want to give up her tuition, and they can get tax breaks for assisting people who have been unemployed or unemployable.

    Seriously, this girl has long ago worn out her welcome. And what is it with these kids and dogs? L is the same way! She's now left her first post boyfriend apt, and room-mating with someone who advertised on Craigslist in a condo. I'm sure that she will be all about a dog again because there's 4 square feet of lawn out back. Her half-sister has one that she locks in the bathroom at her own house (left to her by her mother) with a bowl and a toy.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    So very true.

    Nichole will have a chance to put those clothes away when she gets home. If she doesn't, tomorrow they will disappear. (I'll bag them up and take them over to mother in law's garage) And she and baby will live on only a few outfits.

    I'd like to throw them away like I threatened, but dang it I can't bring myself to waste good clothes that way. *sigh* So the garage will have to do.

    If that doesn't work, she'll be doing her laundry elsewhere.

    I've had it with the laundry issue.

    She was also told that she is expected to clean up her room and the baby's and her clutter in the livingroom, keep it that way or rides to school won't happen. She said But you are going at the same time I am! So? Doesn't mean I have to give you a ride now does it? :rolleyes:

    I've already stopped with the rides other places because she hasn't been cleaning.

    Good grief. I'm not asking that much. The rooms I want her to clean are the ones used/messed primarily by her and the baby.

    And I've already been tossing things she doesn't put away when it becomes necessary for me to do her chores. Hasn't seemed to effected her.

    The dog issue is stupid. She has been told I'll hear no more about it. (which is why she was so mad)

    As for the blackmail with the baby...... I refuse to bow to it. husband and her sibs will on occasion. (like Travis with the cab money) And boyfriend does just about everytime. (this morning was an exception)

    I won't do it because I know she would never stop. Never. And I don't plan to go there. If I feel something she's doing/not doing is endangering/neglecting the baby, I will make the call to dcfs. I won't hesitate and make the same mistake I made with stepgfg. So the blackmail doesn't work at all with me. (which drives her nuts)

    I have the stangest feeling I'll be feeling like having a party once Nichole is to the point of being able to live on her own. :crazy2:
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    She has student loans. And welfare is covering 90 percent of the cost of daycare for Aubrey since Nichole is in college.

    Roomate situation wouldn't work. Nichole has no income. Has never held a job. Doesn't know how to drive. And could probably get along with a roommate for maybe a week. lol

    But if she continues along this path, we do have HUD apartments here in which she can live in for free since she has no income. And just as I did with stepgfg, if she pushes her luck, that's where she'll end up if she doesn't make other arrangements.

    She just can't seem to get it into her head that we don't HAVE to let her live here. That she's not entitled to live here just because she's our kid. :rolleyes:

    Got interrupted by a phone call from Nichole with an apology.

    Then what's she do? Starts the whole puppy thing again. Again I sad NO, so she's mad again. Had a fairly decent talk about proper adult behavior while living with parents up til that point. :slap:

    I give up. :faint:
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Oh yes I can certainly commiserate on the laundry. The trick with leaving clean clothes on the basement floor until they become dirty clothes again? been there done that. Or picking only her own clothes out of the dirties, washing and drying, and leaving them in the dryer which she then rummages through to find an outfit, leaving the rest strewn half-in, half-out on the floor. Also she only knows one setting on the washer, extra-large, eyeballs the detergent meaning she uses twice as much as necessary, only knows one setting on the dryer, high heat (every t-shirt I own has been shrunk to come only down to my navel), and her idea of "folding" would be any other person's idea of "wadding up into a ball".

    This is one area where difficult child is still very GFGish, along with the leaving dirty dishes all over the house and apalling messes in the kitchen. She has been doing so well in the rest of her life that wife and I have rationalized letting her slide on this aspect. But we have been letting this go on too long. Laundry is supposed to be difficult child's chore, but I do more than half of it and virtually all of the sorting and folding, her idea of "running a load" being to pile the clothes in and push the button. The other day I said something about rinsing off dishes and she snapped at me that she does the laundry, the dishes are not her chore, and I came back with something like "well then do the d----d laundry." Not a shining moment. I need to start doing as has been suggested here, bag up her clothes from off the floor, clean and/or dirty, and haul 'em out to the garage. I can just see her in the morning, wrapped in 15 towels, running out through the minus 10 wind chill to the garage and rummaging through the bags for an outfit! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Are you sure we don't have twins???
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I hate to say it, but laundry is not just a difficult child issue. Our easy child son does the same. He won't do laundry for weeks...then loads it all into the laundry room and lets it sit in the washer and dryer so I can't do any laundry.

    I started just piling up wet / dry unflolded laundry on his bed. If it ends back up in the laundry room...I move it back to his bed. (by the way, laundry that has sat wet in the washer for a week does NOT smell good.) :rolleyes:

    I refuse to do an 18 year old's laundry. Fortunately, we have the 'hook' that eventually makes him do it all. Car. He can't use our car until it's all done, or see his girlfriend.

    First he tried washing and drying it all, then throwing the mess on the floor of his room. Nada. Folded, hung or you're still on probation.

    Our other issue is gas in the car. He drives our 2nd car every day. I told him if it ever gets below 1/4 of a tank, he'd lose privelages for a week. I do NOT want him running out of gas on a Vegas freeway. So, for the past two weeks, he's lost the car. He expects rides from us then. His work is a mile away from our house. Ride your bike. He can take the bus to school. He says, "Geez...it takes almost $60 to fill up the tank." Yep...welcome to the real world.

    He had nearly $1000 in his bank account before Christmas. He was overdrawn today. HE will pay the overdraft fee to get it restored. He spent nearly $900 on girlfriend this holiday.

    Keep in mind that he really is a great kid. But, he needs to learn how to live life on a budget. He will be out of our house in 6 months and has no clue what will hit him. It costs me $400 a month to put him on our insurance. That will end when he moves out. Right now he pays for it by working events for us for free. That won't happen then.

    Sheesh...whoever said raising kids was easy.

  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hey, I lived in HUD housing for a long time when M was little. It won't kill her.

    I don't know if I would put grandma between the two of you by stashing her clothes in her garage. What about giving them to the Goodwill? It's win/win situation.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Here's another one of those I can only tell it here stories (still laughing about Janets throwing the kids in the trunk)

    A lesson in idle threats

    When difficult child was little around 7 or 8 - I think 8. I had tried and OVER compensated for him not having a dad around. I had left his father when he was 5 1/2 and was going out with DF, but had not introduced difficult child to him and didn't for a long while.

    SO here we are going from living in a van - to a home of our own, where there were plenty of toys and he had left them all over the floor in his room. Ages 1-4 I had him picking them up and putting stuff away, 6 months with bio dad and he was wrecked.

    So before I learned how to parent well I made the BIG threats - IF YOU DON'T CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM I AM GOING TO THROW ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY. And that should have been it right? I mean - you tell a kid you're going to toss out his toys - and leave, go watch TV and he should be in that room cleaning like a white tornado. (OH HAR)

    So I went back about 20 minutes later, he's playing. I made that "OKAY I GUESS I'LL GET A TRASH BAG" and motioned towards the closet where the bags were. Nope - still playing. So he ends up going to bed with a filthy room - and I wait for him to sleep.

    After he was deep sleep I snuck in the room and bagged up all his toys. The next morning was trash day. My plan was to HIDE the toys in the spare closet and take the trash out to the curb and NOT let him see that those were not his toys.

    Well I set the bags down, got a call, did a few other things, and started with the kitchen trash, going room to room to put the garbage IN the bag. Got another call, set the garbage down and nearly forgot about it until 6:00 AM the next morning -

    I jumped up and felt the bags, grabbed 2 and ran to the curb - the trash men were laughing - but OH I was so happy to get it to the curb on time. And when I came back in there was Dude standing in jammies, asking WHERE are my toys? In there ? And pointed to the spare room. And I smartly said NOPE - they are out THERE-and pointed to the trash compactor just NOW doing its compacting at the neighbors. We could here it. And i said "THIS, patting the bag is.....OMG...this is (tearing the bag open) OH #$U) THIS IS REALLY GARBAGE AND I THREW YOUR TOYS OUT!!!!"

    difficult child freaked out. I was just sick - thinking about all the things this kid has lost and now I throw away his toys in an effort to make an effort to be a tough love parent.

    But you know what? FROM THAT DAY ON - if I said 'I want your toys picked up now!" It got done. Because -----he said and I quote "YES MOTHER , if I don't pick up my toys YOU will throw them away."

    After that - I tried to remember that idle threats mean nothing so I worked hard not to make them - or to say "I threw them away" and they were in a garage. Witz is right - pick out a few things - because YOu KNOW you will be doing the laundry and haul the rest to a church and give them to needy kids. If your's is the needy one - she's certainly not acting like she appreciates it at all. Or better yet - haul them out to the curb and tell her you threw them away (bwah ha ha)

    Just remember not to mix up the clothes or toys with trash.

    I'm taking a lesson from Timer Ladys post about simplifying - and I am enjoying it SO much. Less is more.

  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG! Star that would so happen to me. :slap:

    When my kids were little and they wouldn't pick up their toys, toys vanished and were given away to needy kids or tossed out.

    Honestly, I've had more trouble with my kids once they turned 18 along these lines than during their entire childhood. Go figure.

    A very contrite Nichole came home from boyfriend's early this evening to put the said clothing away, after much time spent sorting according to season and what doesn't fit. The latter placed in storage boxes.

    Could've knocked me over with a feather. What happened?

    Who cares? :rofl:

    And she was cleaning until Darrin showed up. (easy child and sister in law were going to the movies) There isn't much point in cleaning when Darrin and Aubrey are busy playing together. So we'll start again in the morning.

    Oh, and so far no mention of a puppy.


    Would you believe that with 2 solid days of doing laundry I still have many loads yet to wash?? At last count I think I STILL have about 5 left. :smile:

    I wonder how long all this cooperation is gonna last.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'll take 2 days, 4 hours, and 37 minutes.


  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Gee, Kathy, you're optomistic.

    I was wondering if it was going to last til morning. :rofl:
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's me ~ always looking at the bright side. :rofl:

  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When she does move out, are you going to call her at 5am every morning just to wake her up? :devil: