I agree with a cautious, loving approach, but keep your eyes open. It does sound like there could be more going on for this girl and help now would be good. As for your son - counselling, for sure. Not in any "you should be feeling bad - how are you feeling?" kind of way, but more to give him skills to know what to say next time.
A serious concern - you are no longer on the scene in her main home as her father. That tells me that her mother is either trying to manage entirely alone, or (more likely) she has had, or has, another man in her life. Nothing wrong with that - except that some men actually seek out women trying to raise kids alone, especially those with under-age girls. A friend of mine had that happen to her - she met what seemed to be the perfect man, he loved her, loved the kids, they had a lot of interests in common, he supported her work and encouraged her to go back to do further study. "Don't worry, I'll mind the kids," he assured her. He worked from home anyway, so he was always there for when the kids got home from school. It took her ten years to realise that from his point of view he had married her young daughter, not her. All those years of marriage had merely been about getting access to the little girl, who finally told him to stop when she was 15. At that point, she told her mother who actually thought she could save that marriage. She soon realised (when she checked his bank statements - and SHE paid his bills!) that he had also been seducing other children in the neighbourhood. My friend was shattered - she'd had no idea. Her daughter is actually doing really well, but it's not always such a good outcome.
Women raising kids alone are fair game for predatory males. And these guys are GOOD at winning confidence and getting long-term easy access to the children. Whatever it takes. My friend had absolutely no idea, and even when she looked back on the marriage, she had trouble seeing the signs. But the evidence was there when she really, really went digging. And he confessed when she had him cornered.
I am sorry to say that I would estimate that of every man a single mother gets involved with, every second one is likely to be a predator.
If this is a possibility, it could explain things.
And it could also simply be curiosity, the girl may be wanting to know more but too afraid to ask an adult. And especially too afraid to ask a classmate, for fear of being thought stupid or ignorant.
I was raised in a sheltered environment. True, we lived on a farm and I saw farm animals, but I never made the connection. I had no idea where babies came from and had no idea what a naked male looked like (of any age). I was 14 when visiting a friend's house where there was her sister's clay sculpture around the house, including a naked male torso. I remember looking at that and wondering how accurate it was; the genitals just looked like three blobs of clay and I had no idea there were 'bits' like that. But no way would I ask the artist, or my friend! I was good at faking knowledge, nobody else knew. The home we lived in had anything suggestive or informative in a sexual way, totally removed. It wasn't until I got to uni and studying Biology that I had a lot of catching up to do!
The funny thing is - my mother was trying to shelter me, so I would not disgrace the family by having premarital sex. But she went too far - I ended up with no exposure therefore no hang-ups. I had no pre-conceived ideas.
I do remember being intensely curious (and naive) at 12 and 13. I remember comparing my anatomy to my friend's in the bathtub when we had a sleepover. I discussed with her what felt interesting and what felt uncomfortable. Nothing sexual in it as far as I was concerned, but I'm sure my friend must have felt very uncomfortable. Our bodies were changing and we often compared notes on whose breasts were budding first, who menstruated first and so on. I had a freckle on my chest and we used to examine it to see which side it was going to end up on! Sometimes it was to the left, sometimes to the right, as each breast grew at slightly different rates. That's sometimes the sort of thing that kids get curious about, that they feel sheepish discussing with parents. Especially a male parent.
But if she did this with her other brother previously, then something is bugging her and not getting the answers she is seeking. I would find out what is going on, and try to find where it is coming from. Shutting her out is not the answer, not if she is not a predator. And this is not necessarily predatory behaviour. But it could possible be the result of predatory behaviour somewhere in her environment.
Marg
