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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 662795" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi, Belle. Pretty choice of a name. Maybe we can rename ourselves for this thread. Pick a name that defines us. I like Serenity, but that's so hard to type.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, I think that after all these years finally committing the truth to writing and having others critique what happened to us so that we know we aren't crazy for thinking we were abused is critical to healing.</p><p></p><p>This is important. We often go out of our way to do things for our abusers and I'm sure, like me, we wonder why. I was not as giving that way as some here, but I did wonder w hy I kept calling my mother in her later years when she NEVER called me back. Surely I knew her fake "not-that-mean" voice when I called her was just an act, as she waited for the final punch. She wasn't nice to me at all usually so I must have known in the back of my mind that she wasn't being nice then. But I also, in the front of my mind, wanted to believe I was showing her that I loved her and hoping t hat she loved me back.</p><p></p><p>Well, that worked out well, one disinheritance/disowning later!!!!! I did not care about any money...she had little and that was not the point. The sheer hate she had for me was clear from the grave.</p><p></p><p>If I had been here, talking about my Hail Mary attempt to make it ok before my mother went on to the next world, perhaps I would have quit my silly attempt years before. Certainly, since she never once called me back or wanted me to come see her, it was pretty obviously a sign.</p><p></p><p>I do remember telling myself I'd try, even if it didn't work, because I believe that it's best to resolve things on earth rather than the next world, which I very much believe exists.</p><p></p><p>Yeah, well it wasn't going to happen here. I should have just disconnected after she tried to get me not to split my grandmother's small inheritance to my only biological son Bart. I couldn't do it. Morally. I had told my grandma t hat I would refuse to give money to one c hild and not all so she put it in my mother's name. My mother accepted the responsibility because she cared as little for my kids (she never saw them) as she cared for me. It is a long, ugly story but I totally refused to give her son's SSN to carry out the deed. I told her "If you want to do it, you'll do it yourself."</p><p></p><p>She was furious over this because it cost her about $100 year in taxes. No, she was not poor. She was just angry that I wouldn't carry out the divide/conquer wishes of my grandmother. She spoke of it nonstop to siblings, but even they refused to listen. That's how much it bothered her that I would not favor one child over the adopted children. Since my grandmother was gone and, although it certainly won't sound like it to those of you just checking in, it was time to let it all hang out on me...all the hate and meanness and anger in my mother's soul came out with that act of not listening to this mean attempt to favor one child over my others. See, usually my grandmother favored me so I was sort of protected. This last time...I believe since she saw what happened from her new home after death, she is sorry. But it caused my mother's last implosion on me. She probably decided right then to disown me. Not that it hadn't crossed her mind before that. After all, I did not blindly do her bidding.</p><p></p><p>My siblings said I abused her.</p><p></p><p>No, I didn't.</p><p></p><p>I just did not pretend everything was ok when it wasn't and that's cesrtainly against the rules in a dysfunctional family. In a dysfunctional family you shut up and pretend your family is normal and only the scapegoat is the ruination of it's perfection. The scapegoat was me.</p><p></p><p>My sister did not blame her severe and ongoing eating disorder on our mother and her constantly telling the girls "you're fat" comments. She loved on my mom. She did not blame her other troubles on her either, including her inability to bond with a loving man. She is in between t he ages of 50-60 and my sister still is with a very abusive man (five years and going strong) who can't love her back. She blames my father.</p><p></p><p>My father was never home.</p><p></p><p>I don't know her reason, but my mother was totally dismissive of Sis as a child. She ignored her, like she was a piece of air.</p><p></p><p>Off topic sort of notation: Although my sister cut me off for the tenth time for being "abusive" to her (I told her it hurt me too much and scared me too much to hear about her and abusive boyfriend's relationship so that I would not talk about it anymore) she has never cut off this alcoholic abusive man in their entire relationship. This tells me that her anger is not about being abused. I tried to help her, not abuse her. It is just more family crapola. If she was looking out for herself, this boyfriend would have been long gone. She even told me he was abusive over and over again. No, she was not "getting rid of you" for being abusive. It was more personal than that. Ok, moving on...</p><p></p><p>Golden Child Brother is very strange in his ways a nd has done many questionable things too. That's interesting. She lavished so much love on him I wonder if it was so much that he could never love anyone else as he has never had a live in lover in his entire between 50-60 years.</p><p></p><p>I'm getting off topic.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry. I do that. I am free associating on my therapist's couch here.</p><p></p><p>You can too.</p><p></p><p>I'm going to sneak my Thumbalene doll into my magically big pocket before I go to work and bring her with me.</p><p></p><p>"The inner child is STRONG with this one!" Jedi Master</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 662795, member: 1550"] Hi, Belle. Pretty choice of a name. Maybe we can rename ourselves for this thread. Pick a name that defines us. I like Serenity, but that's so hard to type. Anyhow, I think that after all these years finally committing the truth to writing and having others critique what happened to us so that we know we aren't crazy for thinking we were abused is critical to healing. This is important. We often go out of our way to do things for our abusers and I'm sure, like me, we wonder why. I was not as giving that way as some here, but I did wonder w hy I kept calling my mother in her later years when she NEVER called me back. Surely I knew her fake "not-that-mean" voice when I called her was just an act, as she waited for the final punch. She wasn't nice to me at all usually so I must have known in the back of my mind that she wasn't being nice then. But I also, in the front of my mind, wanted to believe I was showing her that I loved her and hoping t hat she loved me back. Well, that worked out well, one disinheritance/disowning later!!!!! I did not care about any money...she had little and that was not the point. The sheer hate she had for me was clear from the grave. If I had been here, talking about my Hail Mary attempt to make it ok before my mother went on to the next world, perhaps I would have quit my silly attempt years before. Certainly, since she never once called me back or wanted me to come see her, it was pretty obviously a sign. I do remember telling myself I'd try, even if it didn't work, because I believe that it's best to resolve things on earth rather than the next world, which I very much believe exists. Yeah, well it wasn't going to happen here. I should have just disconnected after she tried to get me not to split my grandmother's small inheritance to my only biological son Bart. I couldn't do it. Morally. I had told my grandma t hat I would refuse to give money to one c hild and not all so she put it in my mother's name. My mother accepted the responsibility because she cared as little for my kids (she never saw them) as she cared for me. It is a long, ugly story but I totally refused to give her son's SSN to carry out the deed. I told her "If you want to do it, you'll do it yourself." She was furious over this because it cost her about $100 year in taxes. No, she was not poor. She was just angry that I wouldn't carry out the divide/conquer wishes of my grandmother. She spoke of it nonstop to siblings, but even they refused to listen. That's how much it bothered her that I would not favor one child over the adopted children. Since my grandmother was gone and, although it certainly won't sound like it to those of you just checking in, it was time to let it all hang out on me...all the hate and meanness and anger in my mother's soul came out with that act of not listening to this mean attempt to favor one child over my others. See, usually my grandmother favored me so I was sort of protected. This last time...I believe since she saw what happened from her new home after death, she is sorry. But it caused my mother's last implosion on me. She probably decided right then to disown me. Not that it hadn't crossed her mind before that. After all, I did not blindly do her bidding. My siblings said I abused her. No, I didn't. I just did not pretend everything was ok when it wasn't and that's cesrtainly against the rules in a dysfunctional family. In a dysfunctional family you shut up and pretend your family is normal and only the scapegoat is the ruination of it's perfection. The scapegoat was me. My sister did not blame her severe and ongoing eating disorder on our mother and her constantly telling the girls "you're fat" comments. She loved on my mom. She did not blame her other troubles on her either, including her inability to bond with a loving man. She is in between t he ages of 50-60 and my sister still is with a very abusive man (five years and going strong) who can't love her back. She blames my father. My father was never home. I don't know her reason, but my mother was totally dismissive of Sis as a child. She ignored her, like she was a piece of air. Off topic sort of notation: Although my sister cut me off for the tenth time for being "abusive" to her (I told her it hurt me too much and scared me too much to hear about her and abusive boyfriend's relationship so that I would not talk about it anymore) she has never cut off this alcoholic abusive man in their entire relationship. This tells me that her anger is not about being abused. I tried to help her, not abuse her. It is just more family crapola. If she was looking out for herself, this boyfriend would have been long gone. She even told me he was abusive over and over again. No, she was not "getting rid of you" for being abusive. It was more personal than that. Ok, moving on... Golden Child Brother is very strange in his ways a nd has done many questionable things too. That's interesting. She lavished so much love on him I wonder if it was so much that he could never love anyone else as he has never had a live in lover in his entire between 50-60 years. I'm getting off topic. I'm sorry. I do that. I am free associating on my therapist's couch here. You can too. I'm going to sneak my Thumbalene doll into my magically big pocket before I go to work and bring her with me. "The inner child is STRONG with this one!" Jedi Master [/QUOTE]
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