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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662804" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I live by that motto, too. Not so much resolving things now instead of later but more...I think more as a way to guide myself as I interact with others or as I see and learn myself. What is the right thing to do, what is the most healing response, when is it okay to display anger and when is anger the right response, the right response because there are people who will walk all over us. Anger can be blinding, and reactions can happen in a flash...and I don't want to be my mother.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, if I had been well brought up, I would be like my mother.</p><p></p><p>But that isn't true. If a person has been well brought up, the parent teaches the child how to be in the world, how to respond to rage and anger and hope and not be Pollyanna, like me.</p><p></p><p>That was a meanness to myself. I left it in so you could see it, too. These are the kinds of secret codes we use to beat ourselves up. </p><p></p><p>I don't feel like Pollyanna. Pollyanna is code for "Just don't think, Cedar." And etc. I believe with all my heart that we each can be strong and whole and that there is a reason we are here.</p><p></p><p>I believe in the power, the transformative power of love. Hatred is transformative, too.</p><p></p><p>Look what it has done, to each of us and to all of our families.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing eye rolling in response. My mom and my sister and even, my father. Rolling their eyes at this so typical Cedarism.</p><p></p><p>So, I pull the French taunter from Monty Python out of my psyche and let him give them the raspberries and flap his hands on his helmet.</p><p></p><p>"Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time!"</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It was not silly, SWOT. It was courageous and intentful and good. Your mom abused little kids. That's the kind of person she chose to be. She was the kind of mom who did not take pleasure in keeping an orderly home or in learning to cook for her family, the kind of mom who would send her own children out into the world without the skills they needed to live in self-respect. </p><p></p><p>But you tried, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>You even tried with your sister, and you tried way harder than I did.</p><p></p><p>I love to envision you banging on her door with your white tennis shoe.</p><p></p><p>Ha!</p><p></p><p>Good for you.</p><p></p><p>Neither your mom nor your sister could understand how you refused to succumb to indifference or to the outright hostility your sister displays in her chasing and taunting and insistence that you carry the blackness for the entire family, even now.</p><p></p><p>Maybe SWOT, different as we are, this is the true truth in our FOO patterns: They could not understand our mindsets. They knew they did not deserve to be believed in and felt less than in comparison.</p><p></p><p>Where else did my mom and my sister get "What would Cedar do" and think that was funny, or that it had any meaning, at all?</p><p></p><p>This was how the campaign to vilify and isolate me began: The unification and betrayal in the laughter under the term "What would Cedar do".</p><p></p><p>So maybe, I am onto something, here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Perhaps the breaking your mom was trying to accomplish was to break your morality ~ was to break the goodness in you, Serenity SWOT.</p><p></p><p>Think about what they were really demanding that you do: Destroy yourself and everything by which you had lived your life and loved your children.</p><p></p><p>Beneath each of the themes that repeatedly come up for us as we heal is a direct attack on the goodness in us.</p><p></p><p>Morally.</p><p></p><p>This is a good point, SWOT. I will look for those angles in my own family thematic.</p><p></p><p>That would be the connection to the way our abusers hate us personally; seem to bear a personal grudge that we don't understand.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, we made them feel dirty because they know who they are.</p><p></p><p>That could be a piece of it. But it doesn't explain how the abusers could hurt their children.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Roar.</p><p></p><p>Good, good, good for you, SWOT. You stood up; stood on a moral principle you would not compromise. </p><p></p><p>She must have hated you for that.</p><p></p><p>I am proud that you did that. It took great courage.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. I think she was flabbergasted that you had the right and the power to defy her.</p><p></p><p>That is why she hated you. She couldn't break you. </p><p></p><p>Defiance. Spirit. Strength. </p><p></p><p>Who knows whether the grandmother had been influenced by the mother in how she decided to leave you that money? In my FOO, things are never, ever so simple as they seem. Remember my posting about my mother's delight in being the last one alive and so, able to determine the stories that will travel the genetic line into the future?</p><p></p><p>And one of the things she is doing is creating a question about whether my grandmother may have been party to a murder to inherit that farm I was posting about earlier. (The farmer was not my real grandfather. My grandmother had been married three times. And in the end? She left the third one, too.)</p><p></p><p>My point (and I do have one, as Ellen says) is that nothing is as it seems, in our FOO. So, I know your mom and your grandmother talked alot on the phone. How can you be sure your mom did not convince the grandmother to leave the money to only one child, thinking that would destroy the moral high ground you have lived your life from?</p><p></p><p>Into the saddlebag Serenity SWOT's mom goes. Her room in the English mansion? Is filled with Barbies and Thumbelinas and every beautiful piece of clothing Serenity SWOT should have had.</p><p></p><p>And a telephone.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Her bidding would have been for you to destroy yourself, for you to have lived your life as the person she raised you to be: Some broken, confused someone even she was better than.</p><p></p><p>But you pretty much told her to forget it, Serenity SWOT.</p><p></p><p>That is what she hated, the thing she could never, ever forgive you for.</p><p></p><p>Defying her and proving her wrong regarding your good, moral heart.</p><p></p><p>I have seen your heart here on this site in your responses to others.</p><p></p><p>That is how I know that about you, though we have never met.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like this description of FOO dynamics. This is a good response for me to myself when I wonder about turning away from my mother and sister, now.</p><p></p><p>Well, I mean, in not allowing the sickness to continue using me to pretend something better than what is. Not that I have power to move in and out of the family circle at will.</p><p></p><p>I am right and truly excluded, absolutely now.</p><p></p><p>Forever.</p><p></p><p>And I never have to try, or do the responsible thing, or find some way to excuse outrageous betrayals, again.</p><p></p><p>Because that is what each of us is describing: Outrageous betrayal.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662804, member: 17461"] I live by that motto, too. Not so much resolving things now instead of later but more...I think more as a way to guide myself as I interact with others or as I see and learn myself. What is the right thing to do, what is the most healing response, when is it okay to display anger and when is anger the right response, the right response because there are people who will walk all over us. Anger can be blinding, and reactions can happen in a flash...and I don't want to be my mother. Maybe, if I had been well brought up, I would be like my mother. But that isn't true. If a person has been well brought up, the parent teaches the child how to be in the world, how to respond to rage and anger and hope and not be Pollyanna, like me. That was a meanness to myself. I left it in so you could see it, too. These are the kinds of secret codes we use to beat ourselves up. I don't feel like Pollyanna. Pollyanna is code for "Just don't think, Cedar." And etc. I believe with all my heart that we each can be strong and whole and that there is a reason we are here. I believe in the power, the transformative power of love. Hatred is transformative, too. Look what it has done, to each of us and to all of our families. I am seeing eye rolling in response. My mom and my sister and even, my father. Rolling their eyes at this so typical Cedarism. So, I pull the French taunter from Monty Python out of my psyche and let him give them the raspberries and flap his hands on his helmet. "Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time!" :O) It was not silly, SWOT. It was courageous and intentful and good. Your mom abused little kids. That's the kind of person she chose to be. She was the kind of mom who did not take pleasure in keeping an orderly home or in learning to cook for her family, the kind of mom who would send her own children out into the world without the skills they needed to live in self-respect. But you tried, SWOT. You even tried with your sister, and you tried way harder than I did. I love to envision you banging on her door with your white tennis shoe. Ha! Good for you. Neither your mom nor your sister could understand how you refused to succumb to indifference or to the outright hostility your sister displays in her chasing and taunting and insistence that you carry the blackness for the entire family, even now. Maybe SWOT, different as we are, this is the true truth in our FOO patterns: They could not understand our mindsets. They knew they did not deserve to be believed in and felt less than in comparison. Where else did my mom and my sister get "What would Cedar do" and think that was funny, or that it had any meaning, at all? This was how the campaign to vilify and isolate me began: The unification and betrayal in the laughter under the term "What would Cedar do". So maybe, I am onto something, here. Perhaps the breaking your mom was trying to accomplish was to break your morality ~ was to break the goodness in you, Serenity SWOT. Think about what they were really demanding that you do: Destroy yourself and everything by which you had lived your life and loved your children. Beneath each of the themes that repeatedly come up for us as we heal is a direct attack on the goodness in us. Morally. This is a good point, SWOT. I will look for those angles in my own family thematic. That would be the connection to the way our abusers hate us personally; seem to bear a personal grudge that we don't understand. Maybe, we made them feel dirty because they know who they are. That could be a piece of it. But it doesn't explain how the abusers could hurt their children. Roar. Good, good, good for you, SWOT. You stood up; stood on a moral principle you would not compromise. She must have hated you for that. I am proud that you did that. It took great courage. No. I think she was flabbergasted that you had the right and the power to defy her. That is why she hated you. She couldn't break you. Defiance. Spirit. Strength. Who knows whether the grandmother had been influenced by the mother in how she decided to leave you that money? In my FOO, things are never, ever so simple as they seem. Remember my posting about my mother's delight in being the last one alive and so, able to determine the stories that will travel the genetic line into the future? And one of the things she is doing is creating a question about whether my grandmother may have been party to a murder to inherit that farm I was posting about earlier. (The farmer was not my real grandfather. My grandmother had been married three times. And in the end? She left the third one, too.) My point (and I do have one, as Ellen says) is that nothing is as it seems, in our FOO. So, I know your mom and your grandmother talked alot on the phone. How can you be sure your mom did not convince the grandmother to leave the money to only one child, thinking that would destroy the moral high ground you have lived your life from? Into the saddlebag Serenity SWOT's mom goes. Her room in the English mansion? Is filled with Barbies and Thumbelinas and every beautiful piece of clothing Serenity SWOT should have had. And a telephone. Her bidding would have been for you to destroy yourself, for you to have lived your life as the person she raised you to be: Some broken, confused someone even she was better than. But you pretty much told her to forget it, Serenity SWOT. That is what she hated, the thing she could never, ever forgive you for. Defying her and proving her wrong regarding your good, moral heart. I have seen your heart here on this site in your responses to others. That is how I know that about you, though we have never met. I like this description of FOO dynamics. This is a good response for me to myself when I wonder about turning away from my mother and sister, now. Well, I mean, in not allowing the sickness to continue using me to pretend something better than what is. Not that I have power to move in and out of the family circle at will. I am right and truly excluded, absolutely now. Forever. And I never have to try, or do the responsible thing, or find some way to excuse outrageous betrayals, again. Because that is what each of us is describing: Outrageous betrayal. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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