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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 663026" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What a horrible shock, Belle. Did son tell you how or when the puppy died? </p><p></p><p>SWOT's thought of choosing a dog from the Shelter in the puppy's name is beautiful. I hope you do that, Belle. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps the only way to respond to hatred and cruelty is in doing things like SWOT suggested ~ to stop the damage, and then respond to the cruel injustice through intentional kindness.</p><p></p><p>I really like that thought, SWOT. SWOT, you have been through so much with your children. Strength and belief that you could, and intention to love and to heal pulled your family through it together. That gives me reason to know mine can come together again, too. </p><p>And even that, whatever happened in my own upbringing, determination to find and heal it can work for me, too.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, this is what I am up to this morning.</p><p></p><p><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-w" target="_blank">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-w</a></p><p></p><p>This is a blog about the effects on children of the various kinds of moms. I am reading there to learn what kind of damaged mom I might have been for my kids, too. It is never too late to change our patterns, and I would like to be as healthy a mom even now, as I can be. (I watched Joel Osteen yesterday. It was about blessing our children with our words ~ or the opposite.)</p><p></p><p>I think I found my sister in the subset Queen. I was forever wondering SWOT, whether it was a good thing for you to have read so heavily into the various personality disorders. </p><p></p><p>Here I am, doing the same thing. It clarifies and saves time and validates what I thought I was sure I saw but found myself, instead of being able to incorporate the pieces of the puzzle I was trying to put together, wondering what was the matter with me that I would think such things about my own mom or my own sister. </p><p></p><p>You know what it is...I think I had to be healthier enough myself before I could believe that what seemed to be happening could be the result of someone else's shortcomings, and not somehow my own. If I had been kinder and etc. Or, if I had been more honest and angry and demanding instead of accommodating. </p><p></p><p>I've developed a ravening curiosity, especially for those sites which list what the effects of having been parented by (or having been the sibling of) someone with such and such a disorder. If I find myself in there, that is how I have been tracing back to a name for the person's disorder.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p><u>Effect of Witch Behavior on Children</u></p><p></p><p>"Children live in terror of witches' capricious moods. They are collateral damage in a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant."</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, what I see here is that, with the changes happening after my father's death <em>these same patterns of response began happening to me as an adult.</em> That dinner I am always posting about was what I knew of how it could be. I felt that it was some shortcoming on my part that those good changes had not happened for us. </p><p></p><p>That was good imagery. I like that I did that. As we went through this process here on the site, I had begun to feel that I'd been foolish, and had allowed not only myself, but my D H and kids too, to have been taken advantage of through some weakness, through some reluctance to deal with inappropriate things as they arose maybe, on my part. That kind of thinking left me vulnerable. This morning, I am understanding that my family of origin is just doing what they do. It feels so good to know that. I can let go of that sense of responsibility for failing to bring us all together, which is what was represented by that family dinner. At the same time, I recognize integrity and forgiveness in my having believed we could come together, and in wanting that instead of vengeance. When the kids were okay, I lived some modified version of "Living well is the best revenge." When the family D H and I created fell apart, the sense of rightness in trying to do the best thing I knew fell apart with the admission that I didn't know the best thing, anymore. Fatally, I turned to FOO, who were all too ready to condemn me regarding the terrible things that were happening with my kids <em>as they would have condemned, ridiculed, and found satisfaction for any confusion or loss in my life.</em></p><p></p><p>And what I am learning now as regards the behavior of my FOO is that, like all abuse, their actions and responses, however rotten and seemingly senseless, have nothing to do with me or my kids.</p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they are abusers.</p><p></p><p>There is freedom there from a whole chain of consciousness kind of thinking having to do with the kinds of self image we take from our FOO.</p><p></p><p>Here again, Joel Osteen's admonishment that the words we say to our kids matter, however old they are ~ this applies to my kids, too. It is never too late to do a good thing, to have a look at the patterns we've set up in our families, and change what we can for the better through changing our words and behaviors.</p><p></p><p>So, that's good, then. </p><p></p><p>I have been reading about how to do that. Saying "You are some good thing." has been found to limit both kids and adults because it seems that our good (or bad, I suppose) qualities are inherent and therefore, unchangeable. It takes away the power of determination, to speak words implying that the child (or adult, or even ourselves, in our self talk) just <em>is</em> something good or bad. Here is material from the following book.</p><p></p><p><u>Succeed: How We Reach Our Goals</u>, by someone whose last name is Halvorson.</p><p></p><p>"Abilities are not innate and unchangeable."</p><p></p><p>"No matter the ability ~ whether it's intelligence, creativity, self control, charm, or athleticism ~ studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter <em>a lot. (This would fit in with Tipping Point author Malcolm Gladwell's contention that we master what we master only after 10,000 hours at it.)</em> So if you were a Bright Girl (<em>this is the girl used to doing well without having to try)</em> it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can <u>always</u> improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle <u>any</u> challenge that you lost so long ago."</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in there: Through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities we may be our own worst enemy.</p><p></p><p>So.</p><p></p><p>This all comes together very nicely for those raised to believe nothing we do is worth the effort put into it and raised also to believe we are missing some essential something which will make it impossible for us to succeed ~ that however hard we try, the results will be so substandard it would have been less shaming for us never to have tried, at all. (Like I was raised to believe I cannot think appropriately because I "am the romantic of the family." Or like SWOT was, in having been told repeatedly that she was bad or stupid.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Now that I have read a little about the effects of whatever personality disorder it is and found myself there, I can let go of responsibility for what's happened in my FOO. I can let go of feeling judged and found wanting or even, of feeling condemned and ostracized for something I don't understand. That is the true benefit to me of having read through this material. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I love it so much to have found research indicating it is never too late. That must be a FOO thing, too.</p><p></p><p>Hopelessness; that feeling that even to try is doomed so who do we think we are, when we take on any challenge. That essential weakening belief system is very strong in me, and led, I am sure, to self sabotage on many levels.</p><p></p><p>Remember "That'll do, pig."</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 663026, member: 17461"] What a horrible shock, Belle. Did son tell you how or when the puppy died? SWOT's thought of choosing a dog from the Shelter in the puppy's name is beautiful. I hope you do that, Belle. Perhaps the only way to respond to hatred and cruelty is in doing things like SWOT suggested ~ to stop the damage, and then respond to the cruel injustice through intentional kindness. I really like that thought, SWOT. SWOT, you have been through so much with your children. Strength and belief that you could, and intention to love and to heal pulled your family through it together. That gives me reason to know mine can come together again, too. And even that, whatever happened in my own upbringing, determination to find and heal it can work for me, too. *** So, this is what I am up to this morning. [URL]https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-w[/URL] This is a blog about the effects on children of the various kinds of moms. I am reading there to learn what kind of damaged mom I might have been for my kids, too. It is never too late to change our patterns, and I would like to be as healthy a mom even now, as I can be. (I watched Joel Osteen yesterday. It was about blessing our children with our words ~ or the opposite.) I think I found my sister in the subset Queen. I was forever wondering SWOT, whether it was a good thing for you to have read so heavily into the various personality disorders. Here I am, doing the same thing. It clarifies and saves time and validates what I thought I was sure I saw but found myself, instead of being able to incorporate the pieces of the puzzle I was trying to put together, wondering what was the matter with me that I would think such things about my own mom or my own sister. You know what it is...I think I had to be healthier enough myself before I could believe that what seemed to be happening could be the result of someone else's shortcomings, and not somehow my own. If I had been kinder and etc. Or, if I had been more honest and angry and demanding instead of accommodating. I've developed a ravening curiosity, especially for those sites which list what the effects of having been parented by (or having been the sibling of) someone with such and such a disorder. If I find myself in there, that is how I have been tracing back to a name for the person's disorder. *** [U]Effect of Witch Behavior on Children[/U] "Children live in terror of witches' capricious moods. They are collateral damage in a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control. ... Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant." *** So, what I see here is that, with the changes happening after my father's death [I]these same patterns of response began happening to me as an adult.[/I] That dinner I am always posting about was what I knew of how it could be. I felt that it was some shortcoming on my part that those good changes had not happened for us. That was good imagery. I like that I did that. As we went through this process here on the site, I had begun to feel that I'd been foolish, and had allowed not only myself, but my D H and kids too, to have been taken advantage of through some weakness, through some reluctance to deal with inappropriate things as they arose maybe, on my part. That kind of thinking left me vulnerable. This morning, I am understanding that my family of origin is just doing what they do. It feels so good to know that. I can let go of that sense of responsibility for failing to bring us all together, which is what was represented by that family dinner. At the same time, I recognize integrity and forgiveness in my having believed we could come together, and in wanting that instead of vengeance. When the kids were okay, I lived some modified version of "Living well is the best revenge." When the family D H and I created fell apart, the sense of rightness in trying to do the best thing I knew fell apart with the admission that I didn't know the best thing, anymore. Fatally, I turned to FOO, who were all too ready to condemn me regarding the terrible things that were happening with my kids [I]as they would have condemned, ridiculed, and found satisfaction for any confusion or loss in my life.[/I] And what I am learning now as regards the behavior of my FOO is that, like all abuse, their actions and responses, however rotten and seemingly senseless, have nothing to do with me or my kids. Abusers abuse because they are abusers. There is freedom there from a whole chain of consciousness kind of thinking having to do with the kinds of self image we take from our FOO. Here again, Joel Osteen's admonishment that the words we say to our kids matter, however old they are ~ this applies to my kids, too. It is never too late to do a good thing, to have a look at the patterns we've set up in our families, and change what we can for the better through changing our words and behaviors. So, that's good, then. I have been reading about how to do that. Saying "You are some good thing." has been found to limit both kids and adults because it seems that our good (or bad, I suppose) qualities are inherent and therefore, unchangeable. It takes away the power of determination, to speak words implying that the child (or adult, or even ourselves, in our self talk) just [I]is[/I] something good or bad. Here is material from the following book. [U]Succeed: How We Reach Our Goals[/U], by someone whose last name is Halvorson. "Abilities are not innate and unchangeable." "No matter the ability ~ whether it's intelligence, creativity, self control, charm, or athleticism ~ studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter [I]a lot. (This would fit in with Tipping Point author Malcolm Gladwell's contention that we master what we master only after 10,000 hours at it.)[/I] So if you were a Bright Girl ([I]this is the girl used to doing well without having to try)[/I] it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can [U]always[/U] improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle [U]any[/U] challenge that you lost so long ago." Somewhere in there: Through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities we may be our own worst enemy. So. This all comes together very nicely for those raised to believe nothing we do is worth the effort put into it and raised also to believe we are missing some essential something which will make it impossible for us to succeed ~ that however hard we try, the results will be so substandard it would have been less shaming for us never to have tried, at all. (Like I was raised to believe I cannot think appropriately because I "am the romantic of the family." Or like SWOT was, in having been told repeatedly that she was bad or stupid. *** Now that I have read a little about the effects of whatever personality disorder it is and found myself there, I can let go of responsibility for what's happened in my FOO. I can let go of feeling judged and found wanting or even, of feeling condemned and ostracized for something I don't understand. That is the true benefit to me of having read through this material. :O) Cedar I love it so much to have found research indicating it is never too late. That must be a FOO thing, too. Hopelessness; that feeling that even to try is doomed so who do we think we are, when we take on any challenge. That essential weakening belief system is very strong in me, and led, I am sure, to self sabotage on many levels. Remember "That'll do, pig." Isn't that something. [/QUOTE]
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