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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 663608" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a few thoughts. Maybe i am way off base.</p><p></p><p>Of course, we want our kids to love us.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure it is healthy for a young man in his 20s to love his mother to t he point of worship and maybe he knows it is not the norm so he is fighting it now. I mentioned how my brother wrote almost love letters to my deceased mother, years after her death, and has never had a live in relationship with a peer in his life. I don't think he has had a love relationship at all in his life. This astounds me and I don't feel it is normal. Perhaps he loved our mother so much, and she him, that he could not find anyone equal to her, in his eyes. Your son may feel the same way and be fighting that, knowing it isn't good for him and it's not. He may be VERY jealous of M. for this as he always had you to himself and did not ever want to give that up. But that is not healthy either. At least, I don't think it is. It could be why he tries to sabatage your relationship with M. How did he take it when you first introduced him to M? This is for your thoughts, not f or us unless you want to share it.</p><p></p><p>When you write about your son, I have not gotten a clear cut picture of him and perhaps that is how you want it to be. I do not know if he always had lots of friends or close friends or if he spent most of his childhood traveling with just you. If so, and I have no idea if that's how it was, it is normal that he'd seek out other people and try to break his dependence. Does he have friends now? You don't have to answer. These are questions to ask yourself and to share only if you want.</p><p></p><p>Often when kids are TOO close to their parents, they rebel and break away at some time. For parents whose kids were also their companionship, it is hard for us to do. I'll say right now I miss the Jumper of three years ago who loved to hang with me. She is an adult now a nd very kind to me...I have no complaints, only good things to say about my girl. But she is eager to see people in her own life first...her school, her job, her boyfriend. This may be the last summer she ever lives with us because the next stage of her college course is year around. Plus her boyfriend is going to get a house near her school (which is also near where he lives) and she is considering living with him.</p><p></p><p>She is my baby. The last. But I have to act ok and let her go with a smile. That smile you saw in the pictures, those who saw the pictures, is my good face. I smile a lot. I'm sure people who see me around where I live and at work, ESPECIALLY at work because I'm kind of a joker, all think I am a really happy person. But I havae anxiety underneath and depression at times. So others don't know. My kids don't know t hat I wish I could keep them closer to me. That' I'm jealous of the days w hen they wanted "mommy, mommy, mommy!!!"</p><p></p><p>So this could be hard for your son, Copa, as it is f or you.</p><p></p><p>I am not going to pretend to k now the impact on my siblings when my mother died. They both loved her. I am thinking it hit my brother harder as he really has nobody else, as far as significant other or kids.</p><p></p><p>That you are disappointed in your son may make him rebellious and hostile because he wants so much to have your approval, as we all want from our mothers, but then again he is fighting you, maybe for the same reason that he wants you to approve of him, maybe thinking "I'm not good enough and she will never approve of me so I'm not even going to try."</p><p></p><p>I know I did this "I'm not even going to try" a lot with b oth my mother and myself.</p><p></p><p>Now I was never tied to my mother either. When I was able to finally make friends, they were the important ones. But I never really stopped wanting my mother to approve of me, even when I was in my 20's (maybe after that I cared less).</p><p></p><p>I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say and I hope you are not offended. It is not meant to mean you were a poor mother. I think you were a great mother. I was just sort of free associating again with ideas t hat came to me.</p><p></p><p>These are such hard questions and we will never have hard data to know what drives somebody else's behavior.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry that you hurt.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 663608, member: 1550"] I have a few thoughts. Maybe i am way off base. Of course, we want our kids to love us. I am not sure it is healthy for a young man in his 20s to love his mother to t he point of worship and maybe he knows it is not the norm so he is fighting it now. I mentioned how my brother wrote almost love letters to my deceased mother, years after her death, and has never had a live in relationship with a peer in his life. I don't think he has had a love relationship at all in his life. This astounds me and I don't feel it is normal. Perhaps he loved our mother so much, and she him, that he could not find anyone equal to her, in his eyes. Your son may feel the same way and be fighting that, knowing it isn't good for him and it's not. He may be VERY jealous of M. for this as he always had you to himself and did not ever want to give that up. But that is not healthy either. At least, I don't think it is. It could be why he tries to sabatage your relationship with M. How did he take it when you first introduced him to M? This is for your thoughts, not f or us unless you want to share it. When you write about your son, I have not gotten a clear cut picture of him and perhaps that is how you want it to be. I do not know if he always had lots of friends or close friends or if he spent most of his childhood traveling with just you. If so, and I have no idea if that's how it was, it is normal that he'd seek out other people and try to break his dependence. Does he have friends now? You don't have to answer. These are questions to ask yourself and to share only if you want. Often when kids are TOO close to their parents, they rebel and break away at some time. For parents whose kids were also their companionship, it is hard for us to do. I'll say right now I miss the Jumper of three years ago who loved to hang with me. She is an adult now a nd very kind to me...I have no complaints, only good things to say about my girl. But she is eager to see people in her own life first...her school, her job, her boyfriend. This may be the last summer she ever lives with us because the next stage of her college course is year around. Plus her boyfriend is going to get a house near her school (which is also near where he lives) and she is considering living with him. She is my baby. The last. But I have to act ok and let her go with a smile. That smile you saw in the pictures, those who saw the pictures, is my good face. I smile a lot. I'm sure people who see me around where I live and at work, ESPECIALLY at work because I'm kind of a joker, all think I am a really happy person. But I havae anxiety underneath and depression at times. So others don't know. My kids don't know t hat I wish I could keep them closer to me. That' I'm jealous of the days w hen they wanted "mommy, mommy, mommy!!!" So this could be hard for your son, Copa, as it is f or you. I am not going to pretend to k now the impact on my siblings when my mother died. They both loved her. I am thinking it hit my brother harder as he really has nobody else, as far as significant other or kids. That you are disappointed in your son may make him rebellious and hostile because he wants so much to have your approval, as we all want from our mothers, but then again he is fighting you, maybe for the same reason that he wants you to approve of him, maybe thinking "I'm not good enough and she will never approve of me so I'm not even going to try." I know I did this "I'm not even going to try" a lot with b oth my mother and myself. Now I was never tied to my mother either. When I was able to finally make friends, they were the important ones. But I never really stopped wanting my mother to approve of me, even when I was in my 20's (maybe after that I cared less). I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say and I hope you are not offended. It is not meant to mean you were a poor mother. I think you were a great mother. I was just sort of free associating again with ideas t hat came to me. These are such hard questions and we will never have hard data to know what drives somebody else's behavior. I'm sorry that you hurt. [/QUOTE]
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