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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 663685" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Could it be less an issue of self worth Copa than that your mom's <em>and your son's </em>behaviors were and continue to be so outrageous that you didn't know then and you don't know now <em>what </em>to do? </p><p></p><p>Could it be that, like me, your belief that they love you prevents you from pulling the pieces together and seeing the coherent whole for what it is? </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, Copa: Could it be that, as is true for my mother and my sister too, your mom and your sister never had the capacity to be other than they are? That they were never who, in your kindness, you believed them to be? Could it be Copa that in the misery of his addiction, your son is not who himself, either?</p><p></p><p>Just after breakfast one day, our son showed up out of the blue demanding money for a vet bill. He had the worst woman imaginable with him...someone alot like the meth head grandma your son is with today, Copa.</p><p></p><p>He brought her to our house.</p><p></p><p>Where daughter was visiting and where our grands were watching Spongebob. And so many weird, inexplainable things happened, copa and it was unbelievable and you know what I did?</p><p></p><p>I made breakfast again.</p><p></p><p>Like an automaton of a person who completes actions that paint the picture: Normal.</p><p></p><p>I just kept stumbling over the hell that was happening and kept getting more and more awful and...I made breakfast. For the second time that morning.</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>In much of the posting I did in the beginning of our decision to heal, I was bearing the guilt of my mother's (or of my sister's) actions. I could not understand why they did what they did. I could not see the win in it. I could not believe what was true about them (which is that my mom likes to play hurtful games and my sister is unstable), so I didn't.</p><p></p><p>I just didn't believe it. Denial and the river, right? Instead, I wrapped myself up in ten thousand veils to conceal the truth: that all these bad things I had taken emotional responsibility for, all the times I chose to try harder, to see with compassion, to forgive the past ~ all those things could not change the one true thing at the heart of my relationship to my mom and to my sister: they love me with a poisonous, waspish kind of love, if they even love me at all.</p><p></p><p>I believed I was wrong; that I'd handled it wrong, that I could have been kinder. That I should have stood up. On and on it went, Copa. Now that I am seeing correctly for perhaps the first time, the broken, disparate pieces are flying together.</p><p></p><p>Remember when I would post I could not understand the win, for them.</p><p></p><p>For them, <em>this is the win.</em></p><p></p><p>Well, blow me over with a feather.</p><p></p><p>It was never my intention that it be like this, Copa and SWOT, anymore than it was yours. This is what we were given. Just like it is with our kids, if this could be fixed, our moms and our sisters and brothers would have been television evangelists preaching the Way today.</p><p></p><p>They're not. <em>Like us, they are trapped in a hell of their own making.</em></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Could it be that the day to day reality of life with your mom in your home become what it was <em>because your mother was determined to have it so? </em>You were trapped, Copa. You had decided to bring her home. There was an end date coming.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Your mom got to do whatever she wanted with that.</em></p><p></p><p>What she did Copa, what she created, that it almost killed you to complete the task you'd set yourself and that it is weakening you now to know how hard a thing it was for you to do that...is what your mom wanted for you.</p><p></p><p>She did it on purpose Copa, hoping to hurt you.</p><p></p><p>You need to dispose of those ashes, Copa. </p><p></p><p>For the sake of your son, for the sake of your strength, you need to be able to know you did more for your mother than she ever deserved <em>and let her go.</em> Like me Copa, you can never believe your mom or your sister into loving you. <em>So what, Copa?</em> What you and SWOT and I never once allow ourselves to see is that we are stronger than they are. We don't need them now and we never needed them. </p><p>And if we had needed them, and whenever we did need them, for any smallest thing (like to know what kind of food is served at a baptism) they failed us.</p><p></p><p>And then they laughed!</p><p></p><p>That is the kind of people they are.</p><p></p><p>And when we were so destroyed by what happened with our kids, we gave them access to our lives and we should not have.</p><p></p><p>They are the ones who picked hate.</p><p></p><p>Not us.</p><p></p><p>What we did was forgive and move on. It is only when we let ourselves be re-entangled with these women who hate us that we falter, that we begin to question ourselves and our worth. For heaven's sake, they barely functioned at the edges of our radars until our kids were in trouble and we started listening to everyone, anyone, hoping someone could tell us how to address what was happening to our lives.</p><p></p><p>Copa. You never needed your mom. You never needed your sister. You were vulnerable already because of your son and they leaped, knives flashing. </p><p></p><p>You took charge.</p><p></p><p>You did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>You can never recover that time that you gave them. You can never relive the day your sister celebrated her seeming ascendance over you because like mine, ascending over you has been your sister's only goal for all of her life.</p><p></p><p>That wasn't arrogance you saw Copa, that was virulent hatred.</p><p></p><p>SWOT and Copa: We are the persons who betrayed us. </p><p></p><p>If you look into your hearts, you know that. We twist ourselves so tightly around how it should be, how it must be. We came back to these people, became vulnerable to the supposed safety of the toxic fold because events in our lives had devastated our faith in ourselves <em>and broken us back to the level of the children we'd been raised to believe we were.</em></p><p></p><p>For me? Evil. Stupid. Scary person, right? Well, it makes sense that my mom would have been afraid of me. <em>I saw her. I saw her with my own two eyes and I knew what she was doing was wrong.</em> </p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]YkADj0TPrJA[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Well, roar.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 663685, member: 17461"] Could it be less an issue of self worth Copa than that your mom's [I]and your son's [/I]behaviors were and continue to be so outrageous that you didn't know then and you don't know now [I]what [/I]to do? Could it be that, like me, your belief that they love you prevents you from pulling the pieces together and seeing the coherent whole for what it is? I'm sorry, Copa: Could it be that, as is true for my mother and my sister too, your mom and your sister never had the capacity to be other than they are? That they were never who, in your kindness, you believed them to be? Could it be Copa that in the misery of his addiction, your son is not who himself, either? Just after breakfast one day, our son showed up out of the blue demanding money for a vet bill. He had the worst woman imaginable with him...someone alot like the meth head grandma your son is with today, Copa. He brought her to our house. Where daughter was visiting and where our grands were watching Spongebob. And so many weird, inexplainable things happened, copa and it was unbelievable and you know what I did? I made breakfast again. Like an automaton of a person who completes actions that paint the picture: Normal. I just kept stumbling over the hell that was happening and kept getting more and more awful and...I made breakfast. For the second time that morning. ? In much of the posting I did in the beginning of our decision to heal, I was bearing the guilt of my mother's (or of my sister's) actions. I could not understand why they did what they did. I could not see the win in it. I could not believe what was true about them (which is that my mom likes to play hurtful games and my sister is unstable), so I didn't. I just didn't believe it. Denial and the river, right? Instead, I wrapped myself up in ten thousand veils to conceal the truth: that all these bad things I had taken emotional responsibility for, all the times I chose to try harder, to see with compassion, to forgive the past ~ all those things could not change the one true thing at the heart of my relationship to my mom and to my sister: they love me with a poisonous, waspish kind of love, if they even love me at all. I believed I was wrong; that I'd handled it wrong, that I could have been kinder. That I should have stood up. On and on it went, Copa. Now that I am seeing correctly for perhaps the first time, the broken, disparate pieces are flying together. Remember when I would post I could not understand the win, for them. For them, [I]this is the win.[/I] Well, blow me over with a feather. It was never my intention that it be like this, Copa and SWOT, anymore than it was yours. This is what we were given. Just like it is with our kids, if this could be fixed, our moms and our sisters and brothers would have been television evangelists preaching the Way today. They're not. [I]Like us, they are trapped in a hell of their own making.[/I] *** Could it be that the day to day reality of life with your mom in your home become what it was [I]because your mother was determined to have it so? [/I]You were trapped, Copa. You had decided to bring her home. There was an end date coming. [I] Your mom got to do whatever she wanted with that.[/I] What she did Copa, what she created, that it almost killed you to complete the task you'd set yourself and that it is weakening you now to know how hard a thing it was for you to do that...is what your mom wanted for you. She did it on purpose Copa, hoping to hurt you. You need to dispose of those ashes, Copa. For the sake of your son, for the sake of your strength, you need to be able to know you did more for your mother than she ever deserved [I]and let her go.[/I] Like me Copa, you can never believe your mom or your sister into loving you. [I]So what, Copa?[/I] What you and SWOT and I never once allow ourselves to see is that we are stronger than they are. We don't need them now and we never needed them. And if we had needed them, and whenever we did need them, for any smallest thing (like to know what kind of food is served at a baptism) they failed us. And then they laughed! That is the kind of people they are. And when we were so destroyed by what happened with our kids, we gave them access to our lives and we should not have. They are the ones who picked hate. Not us. What we did was forgive and move on. It is only when we let ourselves be re-entangled with these women who hate us that we falter, that we begin to question ourselves and our worth. For heaven's sake, they barely functioned at the edges of our radars until our kids were in trouble and we started listening to everyone, anyone, hoping someone could tell us how to address what was happening to our lives. Copa. You never needed your mom. You never needed your sister. You were vulnerable already because of your son and they leaped, knives flashing. You took charge. You did the right thing. You can never recover that time that you gave them. You can never relive the day your sister celebrated her seeming ascendance over you because like mine, ascending over you has been your sister's only goal for all of her life. That wasn't arrogance you saw Copa, that was virulent hatred. SWOT and Copa: We are the persons who betrayed us. If you look into your hearts, you know that. We twist ourselves so tightly around how it should be, how it must be. We came back to these people, became vulnerable to the supposed safety of the toxic fold because events in our lives had devastated our faith in ourselves [I]and broken us back to the level of the children we'd been raised to believe we were.[/I] For me? Evil. Stupid. Scary person, right? Well, it makes sense that my mom would have been afraid of me. [I]I saw her. I saw her with my own two eyes and I knew what she was doing was wrong.[/I] [MEDIA=youtube]YkADj0TPrJA[/MEDIA] Well, roar. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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