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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 663701" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You can do this, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Look, when we post here, we are not changing what anybody thinks of us---our families or kids or strangers. We are learning how to change how WE deal with what they think of us and to stop obsessing over wishing it were different. Do I wish everything was grand? YES! But it isn't and I can't change that alone so I am looking at it a different way. What is best for me? What reality do I see, since everyone has his/her own view and opinion. Two people can experience the same event exactly and see it differently.</p><p></p><p>Take 911.</p><p></p><p>Most I know of see it as a horrendous act of terrorism against us.</p><p></p><p>But others, with a different perspective, see it as something that was inevitable due to our Middle Eastern policy.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure there are third, forth and fifth perspectives too.</p><p></p><p>Our families have different perspectives too.</p><p></p><p>What we see as abusing us, they can truly see as us being the abuser. We can choose to accept it or to look hard at the reality that we see. Cedar and I and you have spent HOURS posting about what happened as we experienced it, with our families and with our children, who are part of that family. I think writing it out makes it clearer to us. We are actually admitting we were abused or are being abused. Maybe those who are doing it to us don't think of it that way, but we do and for us that is all that matters. Our life. Our experience. Our trauma. We feel and felt it whether or not others tell us we shouldn't have because it didn't happen. If we feel abused...we were abused. Others may have not even known they were doing it or they MAY have known, but it doesn't matter. WE have to heal, in spite of them.</p><p></p><p>Your son has his reality. You have yours. You lived with him. You know that as much as you love him you can not live with him. That it doesn't work. He is angry because of your reality so he hurts you. That is not acceptable to you. His anger does not mean he doesn't love you. The opposite of love is not hate...it is apathy. He is not apathetic toward you.</p><p></p><p>Obviously he will not be happy with you unless he gets his way. Some people are like that. But your worth is not whether your son is happy or not because you two can not live together. You ARE worthy. You are very bright and have seen and done and accomplished more than most people ever will. How can you think you are worthless??? Those things matter! YOU maatter. The love in your heart is huge. It matters. Your goodness matters.</p><p></p><p>My opinion, which could be wrong, is that if you could find a way to see things differently about you and your son you will make major strides. Maybe see your new relationship as still loving one another but his late growing pains. Maybe, as I mentioned before, once in a while, a meal together at a restaurant would keep you in touch. If he gets irrational or abusive, change the subject. I kind of learned how to do this. Although his conspiracy theories rattle you (as they would me) let him talk about them as you eat calmly. You don't have to agree or disagree. At least he is with you and not pounding at you (he's pounding on the world...who cares?) and when you part you know you gave him one good meal and your company and you can say "I love you" in person. I don't know if this would work out. I'm just trying to help you find another way to think about your son and your relationship with him and a way to keep the ties, which you both want.</p><p></p><p>You can even bring him something small when you see him. Socks. A $10 gift card from Walmart. Anything really.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find your way soon. We care about you a lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 663701, member: 1550"] You can do this, Copa. Look, when we post here, we are not changing what anybody thinks of us---our families or kids or strangers. We are learning how to change how WE deal with what they think of us and to stop obsessing over wishing it were different. Do I wish everything was grand? YES! But it isn't and I can't change that alone so I am looking at it a different way. What is best for me? What reality do I see, since everyone has his/her own view and opinion. Two people can experience the same event exactly and see it differently. Take 911. Most I know of see it as a horrendous act of terrorism against us. But others, with a different perspective, see it as something that was inevitable due to our Middle Eastern policy. I'm sure there are third, forth and fifth perspectives too. Our families have different perspectives too. What we see as abusing us, they can truly see as us being the abuser. We can choose to accept it or to look hard at the reality that we see. Cedar and I and you have spent HOURS posting about what happened as we experienced it, with our families and with our children, who are part of that family. I think writing it out makes it clearer to us. We are actually admitting we were abused or are being abused. Maybe those who are doing it to us don't think of it that way, but we do and for us that is all that matters. Our life. Our experience. Our trauma. We feel and felt it whether or not others tell us we shouldn't have because it didn't happen. If we feel abused...we were abused. Others may have not even known they were doing it or they MAY have known, but it doesn't matter. WE have to heal, in spite of them. Your son has his reality. You have yours. You lived with him. You know that as much as you love him you can not live with him. That it doesn't work. He is angry because of your reality so he hurts you. That is not acceptable to you. His anger does not mean he doesn't love you. The opposite of love is not hate...it is apathy. He is not apathetic toward you. Obviously he will not be happy with you unless he gets his way. Some people are like that. But your worth is not whether your son is happy or not because you two can not live together. You ARE worthy. You are very bright and have seen and done and accomplished more than most people ever will. How can you think you are worthless??? Those things matter! YOU maatter. The love in your heart is huge. It matters. Your goodness matters. My opinion, which could be wrong, is that if you could find a way to see things differently about you and your son you will make major strides. Maybe see your new relationship as still loving one another but his late growing pains. Maybe, as I mentioned before, once in a while, a meal together at a restaurant would keep you in touch. If he gets irrational or abusive, change the subject. I kind of learned how to do this. Although his conspiracy theories rattle you (as they would me) let him talk about them as you eat calmly. You don't have to agree or disagree. At least he is with you and not pounding at you (he's pounding on the world...who cares?) and when you part you know you gave him one good meal and your company and you can say "I love you" in person. I don't know if this would work out. I'm just trying to help you find another way to think about your son and your relationship with him and a way to keep the ties, which you both want. You can even bring him something small when you see him. Socks. A $10 gift card from Walmart. Anything really. I hope you can find your way soon. We care about you a lot. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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