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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 663777" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We couldn't know it was abuse until we examined specific incidents and named them for what they were: abuse. We didn't know. We were little kids when it started ~ babies, really; we had zero experience of the world. How could we know we were being treated badly? More importantly, how could we know we were being taught to treat ourselves badly? We grew up being abused, and came to be targeted by other abusers who hurt us and moved on <em>and we never even knew we'd been abused because it felt normal to us.</em></p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>We have even abused ourselves. I think we will find that too, as we continue working, here. Remember, "That'll do, pig."</p><p></p><p>And that had been an improvement on prior self talk.</p><p></p><p>Now, we know.</p><p></p><p>We all have done the hard work of looking at terrible things, and shaming things, and have learned to see our abusers through our own eyes and to never see ourselves through the eyes of our abusers ~ whether from abusive people in our childhoods, or in our adulthoods, <em>or through seeing in ourselves those things our abusers told us were true about us</em>.</p><p></p><p>We are not ugly.</p><p></p><p>News flash: We are not stupid or bad or foolish. We are fine.</p><p></p><p>Porcelain fine, and precious; and our lives are precious, and our people that we love who are troubled are precious to us, not damaged by us.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Now, we know.</p><p></p><p>That was the hard part.</p><p></p><p>We are learning now ~ I think this is what we are learning, now ~ to define and interpret betrayal in our lives. That is the essence of abusive relationship.</p><p></p><p>Betrayal of trust.</p><p></p><p>We have each been through so many hard things. We consistently put them behind us and moved on in spite of the hurt. We forgave, literally and meaningfully and without reserve, in spite of the hurt. In a way, you could say we believed for all of us that we could do this but our FOO prefers everything the way it is.</p><p></p><p>That is a sadness for them.</p><p></p><p>We are aware now.</p><p></p><p>That was all we ever needed.</p><p></p><p>Once you see, you cannot unsee.</p><p></p><p>That is why I loved that quote on love and betrayal. That is exactly true. We are responsible for how love will move through us, for how we will see ourselves in relation to others.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, I have been thinking about what that must have been like, when one of your adopted sons had to be removed from your home. How awful all of it must have been for you, and for everyone in your family. My question though was...is this the point at which vehemence in FOO verbal attacks increased? I post alot about vulnerability when my own family fell so hard and fast, and about how my FOO seemed to ~ I don't know. Seemed almost gleeful; seemed...contemptuous. Seemed oh, so eager to know the details of the pain of it.</p><p></p><p>Seemed to want to see me hurt and helpless and I was.</p><p></p><p>That was abusive.</p><p></p><p>That behavior on their part was betrayal of a trust.</p><p></p><p>Here is something I thought of on second reading and am editing in: What my sister did, tracking my daughter down on FB and pretending concern to get every last hurtful detail and then, dumping her and, essentially, making sure I would know that she knew about the brain damage and etc when I was still reeling from all of it myself ~ this is what she did to me, all through these years when she would sidle up, practically licking her chops.</p><p></p><p>Well, huh.</p><p></p><p>I never knew that.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I should never, ever, have been treated in such a way; not by anyone. I understand, from reading on the site, that this is a common reaction from neighbors and friends who are not friends.</p><p></p><p>But this should not happen in family. My family was wrong to do what they did. Even though we had D H family, <em>I never understood it was the members of my FOO who were wrong in their responses to what was happening to us. I was so ashamed before them that it was happening. So ashamed.</em></p><p></p><p>I am just getting that now, today.</p><p></p><p>They were wrong people to do what they did.</p><p></p><p>And I am so surprised.</p><p></p><p>Betrayal is a very good word for us to use to define many aspects of self and other, I think.</p><p></p><p>I am glad I found that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 663777, member: 17461"] We couldn't know it was abuse until we examined specific incidents and named them for what they were: abuse. We didn't know. We were little kids when it started ~ babies, really; we had zero experience of the world. How could we know we were being treated badly? More importantly, how could we know we were being taught to treat ourselves badly? We grew up being abused, and came to be targeted by other abusers who hurt us and moved on [I]and we never even knew we'd been abused because it felt normal to us.[/I] Isn't that something. We have even abused ourselves. I think we will find that too, as we continue working, here. Remember, "That'll do, pig." And that had been an improvement on prior self talk. Now, we know. We all have done the hard work of looking at terrible things, and shaming things, and have learned to see our abusers through our own eyes and to never see ourselves through the eyes of our abusers ~ whether from abusive people in our childhoods, or in our adulthoods, [I]or through seeing in ourselves those things our abusers told us were true about us[/I]. We are not ugly. News flash: We are not stupid or bad or foolish. We are fine. Porcelain fine, and precious; and our lives are precious, and our people that we love who are troubled are precious to us, not damaged by us. *** Now, we know. That was the hard part. We are learning now ~ I think this is what we are learning, now ~ to define and interpret betrayal in our lives. That is the essence of abusive relationship. Betrayal of trust. We have each been through so many hard things. We consistently put them behind us and moved on in spite of the hurt. We forgave, literally and meaningfully and without reserve, in spite of the hurt. In a way, you could say we believed for all of us that we could do this but our FOO prefers everything the way it is. That is a sadness for them. We are aware now. That was all we ever needed. Once you see, you cannot unsee. That is why I loved that quote on love and betrayal. That is exactly true. We are responsible for how love will move through us, for how we will see ourselves in relation to others. SWOT, I have been thinking about what that must have been like, when one of your adopted sons had to be removed from your home. How awful all of it must have been for you, and for everyone in your family. My question though was...is this the point at which vehemence in FOO verbal attacks increased? I post alot about vulnerability when my own family fell so hard and fast, and about how my FOO seemed to ~ I don't know. Seemed almost gleeful; seemed...contemptuous. Seemed oh, so eager to know the details of the pain of it. Seemed to want to see me hurt and helpless and I was. That was abusive. That behavior on their part was betrayal of a trust. Here is something I thought of on second reading and am editing in: What my sister did, tracking my daughter down on FB and pretending concern to get every last hurtful detail and then, dumping her and, essentially, making sure I would know that she knew about the brain damage and etc when I was still reeling from all of it myself ~ this is what she did to me, all through these years when she would sidle up, practically licking her chops. Well, huh. I never knew that. *** I should never, ever, have been treated in such a way; not by anyone. I understand, from reading on the site, that this is a common reaction from neighbors and friends who are not friends. But this should not happen in family. My family was wrong to do what they did. Even though we had D H family, [I]I never understood it was the members of my FOO who were wrong in their responses to what was happening to us. I was so ashamed before them that it was happening. So ashamed.[/I] I am just getting that now, today. They were wrong people to do what they did. And I am so surprised. Betrayal is a very good word for us to use to define many aspects of self and other, I think. I am glad I found that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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