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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663843" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Clearly, we have made a choice.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, what I mean is this: I brought my mother home with me. The idea is that we, M and I, take responsibility for her until her death.</p><p></p><p>I felt there was no other option. I could have moved to the City where she lived. That would have felt worse. I did not have the strength to do anything else than I did.</p><p></p><p>It was horrible. I became her servant. By that time she was roaming the house. When she could not find the bathroom, she peed where she thought it might be appropriate. Poor thing.</p><p></p><p>I was still buying her clothes like mad. She looked adorable. But wanted help to get kleenex. Walk to the bathroom. Get a glass of water. It was relentless.</p><p></p><p>I am not cut out to be what I think they call a hand servant.</p><p></p><p>I became an automaton. I did her bidding. Who saw our interactions, were horrified.</p><p></p><p>I became a shell of a person. While desperate, I saw no way out for myself. I knew I was not surviving this, but did not know a way to not do it. To stop it felt beyond my power and will.</p><p></p><p>(Kind of what FeelingSad is going through, having gotten the restraining order for her son. She would have kept living like that forever, even if it killed her. She could see no other way, given who she was, not to.</p><p></p><p>Only in a moment of crisis, supported by her therapists, did she step up. She is horrified she did so. Because nothing in her past self would have predicted it. And she is not yet able to live with, to accept what she did as courage and responsibility not just to others, but to herself and her son.</p><p></p><p>Nor am I. M made me do something. Or I would not have spoken to my mother. I was walking the plank. I would not stop. Until M made me do it.</p><p></p><p>He said: It is you or your mother. One of you will die first. If you keep going like this, you will die first.</p><p>She is stronger than you. You will die if you keep going.</p><p></p><p>I knew he was right. I knew I did not want to sacrifice my life.</p><p></p><p>Because in my heart I knew my mother was a predator and in these days I was her prey. I did not want to die as prey.</p><p></p><p>In this way, I knew that I chose it. I chose for my mother to leave. But still, I cannot accept it.</p><p></p><p>I prefer to see myself as having died. Than to accept that I hurt my Mother. This is how deep is the betrayal of self.</p><p>You asked, Cedar, that I expand on how I made my mother suffer.</p><p></p><p>She wanted to stay here in my house...I guess she accepted she would die...although she did not speak of it. Eventually I said no. We visited several places where s he could live. She picked one. Really, indifferently. She was just walking the plank. That was the feel of it. Something that I had caused.</p><p>Not too long after she moved into the Board and Care is when the screaming began, and her rejection and anger towards me. She blamed me. No matter what I did she would not stop. Until she was out of there. By that time she was really dying, although it took 4 months.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663843, member: 18958"] Clearly, we have made a choice. Cedar, what I mean is this: I brought my mother home with me. The idea is that we, M and I, take responsibility for her until her death. I felt there was no other option. I could have moved to the City where she lived. That would have felt worse. I did not have the strength to do anything else than I did. It was horrible. I became her servant. By that time she was roaming the house. When she could not find the bathroom, she peed where she thought it might be appropriate. Poor thing. I was still buying her clothes like mad. She looked adorable. But wanted help to get kleenex. Walk to the bathroom. Get a glass of water. It was relentless. I am not cut out to be what I think they call a hand servant. I became an automaton. I did her bidding. Who saw our interactions, were horrified. I became a shell of a person. While desperate, I saw no way out for myself. I knew I was not surviving this, but did not know a way to not do it. To stop it felt beyond my power and will. (Kind of what FeelingSad is going through, having gotten the restraining order for her son. She would have kept living like that forever, even if it killed her. She could see no other way, given who she was, not to. Only in a moment of crisis, supported by her therapists, did she step up. She is horrified she did so. Because nothing in her past self would have predicted it. And she is not yet able to live with, to accept what she did as courage and responsibility not just to others, but to herself and her son. Nor am I. M made me do something. Or I would not have spoken to my mother. I was walking the plank. I would not stop. Until M made me do it. He said: It is you or your mother. One of you will die first. If you keep going like this, you will die first. She is stronger than you. You will die if you keep going. I knew he was right. I knew I did not want to sacrifice my life. Because in my heart I knew my mother was a predator and in these days I was her prey. I did not want to die as prey. In this way, I knew that I chose it. I chose for my mother to leave. But still, I cannot accept it. I prefer to see myself as having died. Than to accept that I hurt my Mother. This is how deep is the betrayal of self. You asked, Cedar, that I expand on how I made my mother suffer. She wanted to stay here in my house...I guess she accepted she would die...although she did not speak of it. Eventually I said no. We visited several places where s he could live. She picked one. Really, indifferently. She was just walking the plank. That was the feel of it. Something that I had caused. Not too long after she moved into the Board and Care is when the screaming began, and her rejection and anger towards me. She blamed me. No matter what I did she would not stop. Until she was out of there. By that time she was really dying, although it took 4 months. [/QUOTE]
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