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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663844" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is what I thought I did by separating. Not seeing them. Not talking to them. </p><p></p><p>But doing that was just another way of buying into the game.</p><p>You mean, here, like a merged self? That we have never individuated enough to really feel completely like a separate person. That while we may in the world create a persona, in crisis, we act from a self that by default, from the eyes of the mother. </p><p>Cedar, I am wondering if with respect to me, my own self, if I have a voice at all. Or ever did.</p><p>This passage horrifies me. It means that I have to take responsibility for a whole life of distance from my mother because I was not strong or whole enough to stand up for myself, to feel as if I was enough to be with her. </p><p></p><p>I do not believe that there was intent on my mother's part to kill me off. After all, her life and comfort at that point depended on me.</p><p></p><p>I think at the end when she left she was resigned. </p><p></p><p>What if the whole time, I could have made it different? But I did not know how. It was not for lack of trying....I just did not know a way to survive near them. </p><p></p><p>There was a time with that old therapist, when I realized <em>he did not really want me to have a self or a voice with respect to him.</em> It felt like the most crushing of blows. As if blinds and shutters and curtains were closing. I resigned myself to accepting this as my fate or destiny. And I participated in closing out all hope. Because this is what he needed and wanted. I betrayed myself. I knew it at the time. I felt there was no other option for me. </p><p></p><p>I do not know why.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663844, member: 18958"] This is what I thought I did by separating. Not seeing them. Not talking to them. But doing that was just another way of buying into the game. You mean, here, like a merged self? That we have never individuated enough to really feel completely like a separate person. That while we may in the world create a persona, in crisis, we act from a self that by default, from the eyes of the mother. Cedar, I am wondering if with respect to me, my own self, if I have a voice at all. Or ever did. This passage horrifies me. It means that I have to take responsibility for a whole life of distance from my mother because I was not strong or whole enough to stand up for myself, to feel as if I was enough to be with her. I do not believe that there was intent on my mother's part to kill me off. After all, her life and comfort at that point depended on me. I think at the end when she left she was resigned. What if the whole time, I could have made it different? But I did not know how. It was not for lack of trying....I just did not know a way to survive near them. There was a time with that old therapist, when I realized [I]he did not really want me to have a self or a voice with respect to him.[/I] It felt like the most crushing of blows. As if blinds and shutters and curtains were closing. I resigned myself to accepting this as my fate or destiny. And I participated in closing out all hope. Because this is what he needed and wanted. I betrayed myself. I knew it at the time. I felt there was no other option for me. I do not know why. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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