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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663860" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is true.</p><p>Of course, this is clear. Then, WTF, is our problem. I by mistake typed WTF, is our <em>broken</em>. Of course, this is it.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is my brokenness is such that at my deepest core, I felt responsible for my mother's pain, that it was my role to stop it, and my glory to do so. I could not until I sacrificed myself completely and hundred percent. Looking back, that I withheld one percent of myself from destruction is my crime.Yes, this is it.</p><p>This is exactly how my Mother was. I endured it for almost 5 months, until she went to the Board and Care. And then at the end she was back with us off and on for 4 months, when she was too ill to control anything. That was another kind of devastation.</p><p>Oh, Lord.</p><p>How curious.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>They dote on each other. She tells him how to be a good person. He is very solicitous and protects her. He respects her 100 per cent.</p><p></p><p>When it is time for her to go, he feels sad. He wishes he could do more.</p><p></p><p>In the past he agonized because he could not go to her and help her. I think she must have talked to him about this. And I think she must have told him his primary responsibility is to me.</p><p></p><p>While he feels responsibility for her...and to help her...he does not feel any fault. Either.</p><p>It is so many years back. And still so difficult to think about.</p><p></p><p>It was not sexual. I would have never, ever done that.</p><p></p><p>I think he offered. I think he became aroused.</p><p></p><p>It was still not about that, as much as something more subtle.</p><p></p><p>I saw a pattern of him choosing for himself. Over me. I saw that to feel powerful, to feel intact, to feel together, he would essentially abandon me, as he needed. Choosing, instead, that I be the weaker one, the broken one, etc. Doing his best to put his pathology into me. </p><p></p><p>It was horrible beyond words to see this happening. Traumatic. This guy was the most esteemed, the highest authority. He was a fraud and imposter. And I was perhaps the only one who knew. And yet, I kept going.</p><p></p><p>The same as with my family. I saw it. I knew it. I distorted and discredited my own perceptions, my own truth, to somehow preserve the fantasy of relationship. I somehow felt he needed me. Which I turned into that I needed him, and was afraid to leave. Could not leave.</p><p></p><p>This was a repetition for me. The very thing I needed to overcome. This was a horror for me. I had put everything on the line for this opportunity to heal. Instead, it may have been the worst trauma of all.</p><p></p><p>The self betrayal was that I could have left. I could have said: You are not the correct therapist for me. Instead, I consciously and deliberately said to my self: evidently this is who and I and what I deserve. If this is happening to me again, this must be who I am.</p><p></p><p>If he needs to use me to maintain him self, and sacrifice me, I will allow it. I must not deserve more from myself, or else this would not be happening. </p><p>___</p><p>Sometimes I think of something you wrote. A single line. You said when husband is not here, I will miss him.</p><p></p><p>When I think of M leaving or dying or even leaving him, I do not think this: I will miss him. I think: I will die. Or, I will break. Or, I cannot stand to even think about it.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think about very elderly couples, of women especially. Who know their mates or they will die. I mean, soon. Some of these relationships are like yours, nearly life long unions. </p><p></p><p>Are they afraid every day? Do they say goodbye when they can? Does the stronger mate prepare things so that weaker or more dependent one, is left surrounded by the safety net and protective mechanisms, enacted by the stronger mate? Is it wrong to speak of a stronger one in a relationship, and to assume it is me? Is this one more vestige of my brokenness as a child? </p><p></p><p>Is my sense of my great need, and vulnerability, a lie to myself?</p><p>__</p><p>I went to physical therapy this morning. As I was waiting, with my head down on the table, I thought of your mother in law. The story about her insisting to go to the treatment center to speak up for her granddaughter. I began to cry. It was so beautiful a thing to do. Such devotion. That nobody in my life until M would ever do such a thing for me. I am crying again.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard story, that of D H's mother. Because of course we can see she did not deserve to suffer.</p><p></p><p>The thing is this: the source of the suffering. We suffer in life. Life is suffering. What D H is clear about is that he did not cause it. He does not want it. He takes responsibility for his mother without taking responsibility for her suffering, for causing it or for curing it.</p><p></p><p>He must see his mother's suffering as between her and G-d. And looked at that way, it would be wrong to take it on.</p><p></p><p>With all this talk of mine about care of the self, I feel like a poseur and a phony. I know no more about it, than I do about bee-keeping or cattle branding. Which is zero.</p><p></p><p>I feel like a cardboard figure of myself, today. I do not know where to begin. When I got back from the physical therapy I got back into my nightgown. Not a good sign.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663860, member: 18958"] This is true. Of course, this is clear. Then, WTF, is our problem. I by mistake typed WTF, is our [I]broken[/I]. Of course, this is it. But the thing is my brokenness is such that at my deepest core, I felt responsible for my mother's pain, that it was my role to stop it, and my glory to do so. I could not until I sacrificed myself completely and hundred percent. Looking back, that I withheld one percent of myself from destruction is my crime.Yes, this is it. This is exactly how my Mother was. I endured it for almost 5 months, until she went to the Board and Care. And then at the end she was back with us off and on for 4 months, when she was too ill to control anything. That was another kind of devastation. Oh, Lord. How curious. Yes. They dote on each other. She tells him how to be a good person. He is very solicitous and protects her. He respects her 100 per cent. When it is time for her to go, he feels sad. He wishes he could do more. In the past he agonized because he could not go to her and help her. I think she must have talked to him about this. And I think she must have told him his primary responsibility is to me. While he feels responsibility for her...and to help her...he does not feel any fault. Either. It is so many years back. And still so difficult to think about. It was not sexual. I would have never, ever done that. I think he offered. I think he became aroused. It was still not about that, as much as something more subtle. I saw a pattern of him choosing for himself. Over me. I saw that to feel powerful, to feel intact, to feel together, he would essentially abandon me, as he needed. Choosing, instead, that I be the weaker one, the broken one, etc. Doing his best to put his pathology into me. It was horrible beyond words to see this happening. Traumatic. This guy was the most esteemed, the highest authority. He was a fraud and imposter. And I was perhaps the only one who knew. And yet, I kept going. The same as with my family. I saw it. I knew it. I distorted and discredited my own perceptions, my own truth, to somehow preserve the fantasy of relationship. I somehow felt he needed me. Which I turned into that I needed him, and was afraid to leave. Could not leave. This was a repetition for me. The very thing I needed to overcome. This was a horror for me. I had put everything on the line for this opportunity to heal. Instead, it may have been the worst trauma of all. The self betrayal was that I could have left. I could have said: You are not the correct therapist for me. Instead, I consciously and deliberately said to my self: evidently this is who and I and what I deserve. If this is happening to me again, this must be who I am. If he needs to use me to maintain him self, and sacrifice me, I will allow it. I must not deserve more from myself, or else this would not be happening. ___ Sometimes I think of something you wrote. A single line. You said when husband is not here, I will miss him. When I think of M leaving or dying or even leaving him, I do not think this: I will miss him. I think: I will die. Or, I will break. Or, I cannot stand to even think about it. Sometimes I think about very elderly couples, of women especially. Who know their mates or they will die. I mean, soon. Some of these relationships are like yours, nearly life long unions. Are they afraid every day? Do they say goodbye when they can? Does the stronger mate prepare things so that weaker or more dependent one, is left surrounded by the safety net and protective mechanisms, enacted by the stronger mate? Is it wrong to speak of a stronger one in a relationship, and to assume it is me? Is this one more vestige of my brokenness as a child? Is my sense of my great need, and vulnerability, a lie to myself? __ I went to physical therapy this morning. As I was waiting, with my head down on the table, I thought of your mother in law. The story about her insisting to go to the treatment center to speak up for her granddaughter. I began to cry. It was so beautiful a thing to do. Such devotion. That nobody in my life until M would ever do such a thing for me. I am crying again. It is a very hard story, that of D H's mother. Because of course we can see she did not deserve to suffer. The thing is this: the source of the suffering. We suffer in life. Life is suffering. What D H is clear about is that he did not cause it. He does not want it. He takes responsibility for his mother without taking responsibility for her suffering, for causing it or for curing it. He must see his mother's suffering as between her and G-d. And looked at that way, it would be wrong to take it on. With all this talk of mine about care of the self, I feel like a poseur and a phony. I know no more about it, than I do about bee-keeping or cattle branding. Which is zero. I feel like a cardboard figure of myself, today. I do not know where to begin. When I got back from the physical therapy I got back into my nightgown. Not a good sign. [/QUOTE]
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