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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 663886" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I learned a lot seeing my ex-mother-in-law lovingly interact with everyone she came into contact with. But I didn't feel guilty. I felt surprised. Wow! This mother loves her family...REALLY does. She never calls them names.She doesn't shame them! She doesn't play one against the other, although ex's brother did MUCH better in life than ex. But she did not say so. Ever. And to this day, they have nothing in common, but the brothers still get along and see one another at holidays since ex is pretty much alone.</p><p></p><p>It was so eye opening to see other families where mothers didn't shame or scold or mock. I think the mocking bothered me more than the shame...of course, mocking IS shaming. But it's also a bit of humiliation too.</p><p></p><p>Cooking instructions: Shame plus humiliation equals mocking??? Maybe. Add a lot of salt for the wounds?</p><p></p><p>I love that we are forcing ourselves to write these things out in black and white. Before, in my head, I could lose thoughts. But when they are right in front of me I can glance over them and be reminded.</p><p></p><p>Things are so much better here regarding family of origin and how I feel about them. With Cedar's new insight, I don't even blame them anymore. I take the responsibility,, at least after I moved out at age 20, for myself. I ALLOWED myself to be abused. That was MY choice. I only have one person to forgive...myself.It doesn't matter how my mother was, my sister was/is, my brother was/is, my Uncle Vain was/is...after age 20 any contact I allowed them to have with me, any walks into my world, any time I tried to help them and ended up doing something wrong and being called baaaaaaaaaaaad, any morsel of them that intruded into my life was all on ME. I did not have to allow them in. I was clearly aware of being the family scapegoat. Other people have said "Cya" after being treated like dirt their entire childhood, but I did not take that path. So it is my fault that what began as a child continued into my adulthood.</p><p></p><p>And that makes all of them recede into the background as I take on the responsibility for listening to what they had to say; for allowing them to do what they did; for interacting with them at all. I didn't need to do so. It was my fault and I had to learn to think about myself first.</p><p></p><p>We all need to remember that our FOOs were not nice to us. That we chose to engage them anyway...that is on us. We loved them perhaps because we were too needy or maybe we thought we were the bad guys and they were nice and deserved to slam phones in our ears, call the cops, disappear for long periods of time, etc. That doesn't take the responsibility away from us.We let t hem in and got hurt over and over again, and it was all because we didn't do what was in our best interests.</p><p></p><p>I am feel both very stupid (my mother's word for me) and very empowered tonight...hehe (my word for myself).</p><p></p><p>And as my words fill up my page, I can let go more and more and fly like a kite in the breeze.</p><p></p><p>I am free.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, you are free.</p><p></p><p>Copa, you will soon be free. You are getting there. You started later than we did.</p><p></p><p>Everyone else, you can be free. It's your choice.</p><p></p><p>I used to feel guilty all the time too. You know what? That nasty ole guilty hasn't been a visitor lately.</p><p></p><p>2015 is Independence Year. Remember that.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 663886, member: 1550"] I learned a lot seeing my ex-mother-in-law lovingly interact with everyone she came into contact with. But I didn't feel guilty. I felt surprised. Wow! This mother loves her family...REALLY does. She never calls them names.She doesn't shame them! She doesn't play one against the other, although ex's brother did MUCH better in life than ex. But she did not say so. Ever. And to this day, they have nothing in common, but the brothers still get along and see one another at holidays since ex is pretty much alone. It was so eye opening to see other families where mothers didn't shame or scold or mock. I think the mocking bothered me more than the shame...of course, mocking IS shaming. But it's also a bit of humiliation too. Cooking instructions: Shame plus humiliation equals mocking??? Maybe. Add a lot of salt for the wounds? I love that we are forcing ourselves to write these things out in black and white. Before, in my head, I could lose thoughts. But when they are right in front of me I can glance over them and be reminded. Things are so much better here regarding family of origin and how I feel about them. With Cedar's new insight, I don't even blame them anymore. I take the responsibility,, at least after I moved out at age 20, for myself. I ALLOWED myself to be abused. That was MY choice. I only have one person to forgive...myself.It doesn't matter how my mother was, my sister was/is, my brother was/is, my Uncle Vain was/is...after age 20 any contact I allowed them to have with me, any walks into my world, any time I tried to help them and ended up doing something wrong and being called baaaaaaaaaaaad, any morsel of them that intruded into my life was all on ME. I did not have to allow them in. I was clearly aware of being the family scapegoat. Other people have said "Cya" after being treated like dirt their entire childhood, but I did not take that path. So it is my fault that what began as a child continued into my adulthood. And that makes all of them recede into the background as I take on the responsibility for listening to what they had to say; for allowing them to do what they did; for interacting with them at all. I didn't need to do so. It was my fault and I had to learn to think about myself first. We all need to remember that our FOOs were not nice to us. That we chose to engage them anyway...that is on us. We loved them perhaps because we were too needy or maybe we thought we were the bad guys and they were nice and deserved to slam phones in our ears, call the cops, disappear for long periods of time, etc. That doesn't take the responsibility away from us.We let t hem in and got hurt over and over again, and it was all because we didn't do what was in our best interests. I am feel both very stupid (my mother's word for me) and very empowered tonight...hehe (my word for myself). And as my words fill up my page, I can let go more and more and fly like a kite in the breeze. I am free. Cedar, you are free. Copa, you will soon be free. You are getting there. You started later than we did. Everyone else, you can be free. It's your choice. I used to feel guilty all the time too. You know what? That nasty ole guilty hasn't been a visitor lately. 2015 is Independence Year. Remember that. Hugs to all. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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