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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663889" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>OK. At first I did not understand. Now, I do.</p><p></p><p>If I had been strong enough and true to myself, I would have maintained my calm and turned it back on him.</p><p></p><p>Explain to me....</p><p>What is your thinking about...</p><p>What are your intentions about...</p><p></p><p>Well, to my credit I did. Where I fell apart was how I felt. I betrayed myself by the emotion.</p><p></p><p>Like I always do.</p><p>I know what is going on.</p><p>I know it is the other person.</p><p></p><p>I cannot hang on to this truth.</p><p>I choose to protect the other person by dissolving in emotion. And I elevate and protect the other person.</p><p></p><p>I turn their failure against myself. I have long known this. I have not been able to stop it.</p><p></p><p>I did the same thing with the neighbor, who based upon my son's gossip, happened to mention that I could have been a better mother.</p><p></p><p>I knew what she was doing.</p><p>I knew she was wrong.</p><p>But inside I accused myself.</p><p>I knew I was guilty of something. After all, that is my makeup.</p><p></p><p>By not letting go of the emotion, the outrage;</p><p>even though I never really spoke with the woman again, I kept repeating the attack. Empowering the attack. Still. Six years later.</p><p></p><p>That is the betrayal of self.</p><p></p><p>To empower and to recreate in myself the failures of others, and use them to attack myself.</p><p></p><p>She was just a fool. I was the betrayer.</p><p>This part I do not understand. I can see it from two perspectives.</p><p></p><p>That I feared that he could tell me what I feared to know in the sense of my badness. That I was irretrievably broken. And that I deserved all of the bad and hard things that happened to me.</p><p></p><p>Like what happened to you about manipulator.</p><p></p><p>My therapist had accused me, too. What stung the most was defending himself, when I stood up for myself, by: "You've got serious problems."</p><p></p><p>I mean, I did not have a chance. If by keeping faith with my self, I would be attacked by him, as severely disordered...who could bear it?</p><p></p><p>But the other way to see it is this: The patient trusts that the therapist holds knowledge about him, responsibly. A truth. That the patient needs to know, wants to know, to be whole...to live with purpose and contentedly. But fears knowing. </p><p></p><p>They trust the therapist to find the balance between truth and damaging them. The patient risks being damaged by the therapist telling too much, or telling wrong things, or bad timing, or worst case, by telling false truths, in order to serve themselves. </p><p></p><p>So, now I am understanding. It is both things. The fear of standing up to the therapist is that they will retaliate in both kinds of ways: For meanness, or vengeance, or weakness: tell you the horrible things you fear are true about yourself.</p><p></p><p>And also the latter, misuse the power they hold, the trust you have given them, in order to heal...in a way that will hurt you. </p><p></p><p>And both things happened to us, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>But had we been who we are now, or are becoming...we could have tolerated both things. </p><p></p><p>As I tried to do, we could tell them what we saw, and put the responsibility on them to deal with it.</p><p></p><p>And we could hold strong. As long as we needed to. To see that it was not us. It was them. And we could have tolerated that. And been okay. And we would have been OK. And healed. </p><p></p><p>And I think of D H and his beloved Mother. He stands firm with her distress. Even with her accusation. Because he knows who he is. And he knows who is Mother is. And no matter how painful. He is okay. He is not mad. He is not reactive. He does not dissolve with the pain and unfairness of it. He can hold all of it simultaneously without buckling. And that is what I am unable to do still.</p><p></p><p>Tell D H that he is our healthy example. He will like that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663889, member: 18958"] Thank you. OK. At first I did not understand. Now, I do. If I had been strong enough and true to myself, I would have maintained my calm and turned it back on him. Explain to me.... What is your thinking about... What are your intentions about... Well, to my credit I did. Where I fell apart was how I felt. I betrayed myself by the emotion. Like I always do. I know what is going on. I know it is the other person. I cannot hang on to this truth. I choose to protect the other person by dissolving in emotion. And I elevate and protect the other person. I turn their failure against myself. I have long known this. I have not been able to stop it. I did the same thing with the neighbor, who based upon my son's gossip, happened to mention that I could have been a better mother. I knew what she was doing. I knew she was wrong. But inside I accused myself. I knew I was guilty of something. After all, that is my makeup. By not letting go of the emotion, the outrage; even though I never really spoke with the woman again, I kept repeating the attack. Empowering the attack. Still. Six years later. That is the betrayal of self. To empower and to recreate in myself the failures of others, and use them to attack myself. She was just a fool. I was the betrayer. This part I do not understand. I can see it from two perspectives. That I feared that he could tell me what I feared to know in the sense of my badness. That I was irretrievably broken. And that I deserved all of the bad and hard things that happened to me. Like what happened to you about manipulator. My therapist had accused me, too. What stung the most was defending himself, when I stood up for myself, by: "You've got serious problems." I mean, I did not have a chance. If by keeping faith with my self, I would be attacked by him, as severely disordered...who could bear it? But the other way to see it is this: The patient trusts that the therapist holds knowledge about him, responsibly. A truth. That the patient needs to know, wants to know, to be whole...to live with purpose and contentedly. But fears knowing. They trust the therapist to find the balance between truth and damaging them. The patient risks being damaged by the therapist telling too much, or telling wrong things, or bad timing, or worst case, by telling false truths, in order to serve themselves. So, now I am understanding. It is both things. The fear of standing up to the therapist is that they will retaliate in both kinds of ways: For meanness, or vengeance, or weakness: tell you the horrible things you fear are true about yourself. And also the latter, misuse the power they hold, the trust you have given them, in order to heal...in a way that will hurt you. And both things happened to us, Cedar. But had we been who we are now, or are becoming...we could have tolerated both things. As I tried to do, we could tell them what we saw, and put the responsibility on them to deal with it. And we could hold strong. As long as we needed to. To see that it was not us. It was them. And we could have tolerated that. And been okay. And we would have been OK. And healed. And I think of D H and his beloved Mother. He stands firm with her distress. Even with her accusation. Because he knows who he is. And he knows who is Mother is. And no matter how painful. He is okay. He is not mad. He is not reactive. He does not dissolve with the pain and unfairness of it. He can hold all of it simultaneously without buckling. And that is what I am unable to do still. Tell D H that he is our healthy example. He will like that. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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