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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 664015" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, I woke up early and just as well as I have a lot to say this morning. Especially to dear Copa.</p><p></p><p>This is in regards to choosing deliberately not to have more biological children after Bart because of my family of origin's DNA, and because this is a safe place to talk about my feelings without them being invalidated.</p><p></p><p>Ok.</p><p></p><p>Since I was very young I knew I had problems others didn't have and I knew my family did. There was no great awakening either now with this thread or at any other time in my life. Dealing with them and not thinking I was the runt of the litter was my problem...I knew we were a damaged group and was not sure I should extend the DNA anymore.</p><p></p><p>This has nothing to do with anybody else reading this. I saw a father who could be thundering angry yet powerless against my mother, a very sick mother (it did not take me until late in life to realize she was not normal), a brother who was not normal in some way...not his physical disease, but the fact that he used it as an excuse not to ever have a relationship with anyone ever...perhaps a mental illness of his own and my sister and her problems. Even more, I saw the meanness. That is what bothered me the most. The meanness.Since I have a strong believer in nature trumps nurture every time (and nobody else has to agree with me, but this is where I was coming from) I was afraid of what type of kid I would have alongside my long heartfelt desire to give homes to kids who did have any. The idea of adoption had always appealed to me. I am positive this is because I wished somebody would save ME, but that is beside by point. I figured I'd have my family that way.</p><p></p><p>But I was young and ambivalent. My ex had medical problems that made having a baby for him impossible. So...and my son knows about this and is fine with it...we went to a doctor for a sperm donor. At that time, I just wanted to be a mother, which I felt I was meant to be and I still believe I was and am a very good mother. Especially to Bart...I understand him...but that's beside the point too. We also put in an application to Holt Phillipines at the same exact time and decided whatever happened first, we would do. I got pregnant on the first try. To this day, I don't know who Bart's birthfather is and any attempts to find out are met with "We destroyed the papers." I am greatly relieved that Bart not only doesn't care, but doesn't want to know. "Dad is my Dad." I love that about him a nd I love him. But my pregnancy was difficult, my baby then child was difficult and I decided never to have a biological child again. Ever. And my DNA and those who shared my DNA was what sealed that decision.</p><p></p><p>It was a conscious choice. I knew that an adopted child could have just as many problems or more, but did not want to have another biological child. I did not want to increase my DNA. Nobody should be offended by my decision. I had my baby, in spite of that. I would never have had an abortion. I don't believe in abortion. He is here and I'm glad, but I didn't want to keep rolling the dice. I didn't want my mother or sister in my child. Or myself...I have really had to struggle to get to where I am. Life was hard. If a baby was already on earth and needed a home, a nd it was hard for that child, maybe I could help that child. It didn't make sense to me to keep reproducing when there were so many other kids who needed homes and when I didn't LIKE the way my family was. It wasn't that there was mental illness (almost all struck in some way) it was that they were MEAN. And I believe that can be inherited.</p><p></p><p>So into my life came Goneboy, Princess and later on, with current husband, Sonic, Jumper and the kid we adopted who was horrendous already...way too damaged to be in a family, but we didn't know. Goneboy left and part of that was our decision to adopt an older child, close to Bart's age since Bart loved to play with other kids. That backfired big time on every level. Goneboy was a nice, but VERY independent little boy, and Bart and him fought since the first. When one asks Bart about his childhood, as I have, he will say, "I had a good chlidhood. You only made two mistakes. You didn't make me eat venegtables (to this day he hates them and, by the way, I did try to make him eat vegetables...hehe) and adopting Goneboy. It wasn't a good idea to adopt a child so close to my age." I love him to pieces. I'm sad that he inherited my anxiety disorder. But, in general, he has done well. I didn't want to roll the dice again. Adopting a child as old as Goneboy is difficult for anybody. We thought we could love him so much he'd love us back, but I now know that it doesn't always work that way with older adoptees. I'm talking six, not two, Copa. Your son was much younger. Anyhow...</p><p></p><p>So strike one for hubby and me, although they did learn to co-exist.</p><p></p><p>Goneboy did not want to be parented and pretty much parented himself. I'm not sorry we brought him here because he thrived in the good ole U.S.A. But we realized we did not shape this child in any way. He was too old when he came. He was already used to taking care of his own needs. His formative years were over.</p><p></p><p>We adopted a baby next, Princess, and Princess was everything we wanted in a child. She had her struggles, but her disposition is kindhearted and sweet and caring and she is smart. Her daughter is the perfect baby. She is NOTHING like my DNA family and I love her to pieces partly for her kindness. NO sign of my DNA there. We have some traits in common. She was highly emotional, as I was in my 20's, but she is learning to deal with it and is the best mom ever. I love her to the moon. Her sweetness is music to me. I was not used to her degree of sweetness.</p><p></p><p>I divorced, married again and husband had already been "cut" but decided he liked kids after he lived with a woman for four years who had two boys. He was very willing and eager to adopt more kids so we got Sonic and he is truly a blessing from God. I can't explain what a sweet, loving, hardworking, loveable person he is. Again, any trace of traits of my DNA...not there. I'm glad and I love him to the moon and back.</p><p></p><p>Next we adopted Jumper and I'm sure by my posts everyone knows that I feel Jumper is the perfect daughter, perfect kid. I am so blessed to have ALL of my children, including Bart. I would not give him back. Is he harder to deal with? Yes, b ut I promised myself that no matter what I *would* deal with him because I refuse to scapegoat him and ostracize him like my mother did me. And he is really only hard for me to handle when he is under stress (his anxiety disorder) and he doesn't handle it well and neither do I. But I'm not sorry I gave birth to him and loved him up. I'm just glad I didn't take any further chances. He turned out all right and is thriving in many areas, but I feel bad every time he has an anxiety attack. I can not help it. I don't want my child to suffer, no matter how old he is. And I know he got that from me.</p><p></p><p>Adopting an 11 year old after Jumper turned out to be a disaster and I realize there are some kids too old to love enough to save. We did love him. We had no idea what he was doing. We gave him the benefit of every doubt until we found out he had killed two of our dogs and molested our babies. He was gone.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to write about that now other than to say the strength of my relationship with my husband held us together plus the incredible, compassionate free services offered to us by the county made us, if anything, stronger than ever . Do I wish we hadn't adopted the 11 year old? YES!</p><p></p><p>So I had troubled kids in spite of not wanting to duplicate my DNA, but I was able to deal with it better, even when devestated, because I at least knew I was not the cause of it. He was what he was way before he met us.</p><p></p><p>Do I wish I'd done it differently?</p><p></p><p>Yes. I wish I had known that six and eleven year olds could not be loved to wellness and caring.</p><p></p><p>But I am really very happy with my family. To me, my kids are the best kids ever, including Bart. I love how he has good memories of his childhood. I think it may have turned out differently if my FOO had been in his life, b ut thankfully they rejected me which meant they were NOT in his life. He doesn't miss what he didn't have nor do my other kids and I feel loed and cared for by all of my children, except Goneboy, andd I honestly believe the adoption psychologist I saw who told me t hat he had attachment disorder...he had been formed before meeting us and we gave him the chance to build a good life here, which he did.</p><p></p><p>So my motives for only having one biological child may offend some, but this is about MY decision and this thread is about us and our FOO and in my case, problems and all, I chose not to keep reproducing because I saw a meanness/coldness in my FOO that I did not want to see in my kids.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to agree with my decision, but I'm content with it and that is what matters. I would not have wanted a child that reminded me of me (Bart doesn't) or my mother or sister or brother. So we adopted and gave homes to kids who may have not gotten them, especially Sonic who lights up my world. And my husband's world. He was pretty much labeled hopeless. He proved everyone wrong. I do not care that he has a minor disability.</p><p></p><p>Copa, my mother should not have ahd kids. But I'm glad she had me. I'm glad I exist. Still, it has not been an easy life. I did it without parenting or support. I cannot take on the bigger philosophy which is should any of us have been born because of flawed parents. We are here, so my beliefs tell me that we are here for a reason and SHOULD be here...to learn. To learn how to love. We were meant to be.</p><p></p><p>I do not think about or judge whether people ho are already here should have been born. The answer is yes.</p><p></p><p>But I also have no problem with people who decide to go childless for ANY reason or people who choose to have non-conventional families for ANY reason, like me.</p><p></p><p>The bottom line in this thread about our FOO is that their dispositons and meanness scared me enough to be leery of having children who contained their DNA. I did have one, but decided not to do it again and it is what it is. If I was meant to have more biological kids I believe I would have been lead to do so. As it was, true to my nature, I preferred to adopt and I am not sorry things turned out the way they did. I am NOT sorry I have Bart. We love each other a lot.</p><p></p><p>I hope this puts to rest my decision. I know I did not have to justify myself, but I consider all of you my friends who patiently listened to me and read my life's walk. So this was just another step I took.</p><p></p><p>By age six I knew both myself and my entire family was a trainwrreck. I had very young insight into this. That doesn't mean I didn't want this damaged bunch to love me. I did. And that is what this thread is about...learning to live with or without our FOO.</p><p></p><p>I think our FOOs influenced many of our life decisions. In my case, beyond the kid issue, I decided to dedicate my life to helping others, to be compassionate to the down and out, to remember "there but by the Grace of God go I." I decided deliberately to never call my children names. I may have said, "I don't like that behavior" but I never ever once said "You are bad." If you asked my kids, they'd tell you that, no, they were never called names. I never labeled any of them as good/scapegoat.</p><p></p><p>In my mind, I have four good kids and had to let Goneboy go, but he is successful in his life.</p><p></p><p>I am not sorry I did not have more biological children. It didn't spare me from problems with some, but it spared me from deliberately spreading a DNA set I didn't want tos spread and at the same time trying to help other kids who needed homes.</p><p></p><p>I am content with my decision. I will discuss it no more, but felt that explaining myself once as ok. It is, of course, a part of my healing which is full steam ahead.</p><p></p><p>Love and hugs and hoping for understanding from all of you.</p><p></p><p>Work today (groan). A four day weekend. All of you have good, peaceful days!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 664015, member: 1550"] Well, I woke up early and just as well as I have a lot to say this morning. Especially to dear Copa. This is in regards to choosing deliberately not to have more biological children after Bart because of my family of origin's DNA, and because this is a safe place to talk about my feelings without them being invalidated. Ok. Since I was very young I knew I had problems others didn't have and I knew my family did. There was no great awakening either now with this thread or at any other time in my life. Dealing with them and not thinking I was the runt of the litter was my problem...I knew we were a damaged group and was not sure I should extend the DNA anymore. This has nothing to do with anybody else reading this. I saw a father who could be thundering angry yet powerless against my mother, a very sick mother (it did not take me until late in life to realize she was not normal), a brother who was not normal in some way...not his physical disease, but the fact that he used it as an excuse not to ever have a relationship with anyone ever...perhaps a mental illness of his own and my sister and her problems. Even more, I saw the meanness. That is what bothered me the most. The meanness.Since I have a strong believer in nature trumps nurture every time (and nobody else has to agree with me, but this is where I was coming from) I was afraid of what type of kid I would have alongside my long heartfelt desire to give homes to kids who did have any. The idea of adoption had always appealed to me. I am positive this is because I wished somebody would save ME, but that is beside by point. I figured I'd have my family that way. But I was young and ambivalent. My ex had medical problems that made having a baby for him impossible. So...and my son knows about this and is fine with it...we went to a doctor for a sperm donor. At that time, I just wanted to be a mother, which I felt I was meant to be and I still believe I was and am a very good mother. Especially to Bart...I understand him...but that's beside the point too. We also put in an application to Holt Phillipines at the same exact time and decided whatever happened first, we would do. I got pregnant on the first try. To this day, I don't know who Bart's birthfather is and any attempts to find out are met with "We destroyed the papers." I am greatly relieved that Bart not only doesn't care, but doesn't want to know. "Dad is my Dad." I love that about him a nd I love him. But my pregnancy was difficult, my baby then child was difficult and I decided never to have a biological child again. Ever. And my DNA and those who shared my DNA was what sealed that decision. It was a conscious choice. I knew that an adopted child could have just as many problems or more, but did not want to have another biological child. I did not want to increase my DNA. Nobody should be offended by my decision. I had my baby, in spite of that. I would never have had an abortion. I don't believe in abortion. He is here and I'm glad, but I didn't want to keep rolling the dice. I didn't want my mother or sister in my child. Or myself...I have really had to struggle to get to where I am. Life was hard. If a baby was already on earth and needed a home, a nd it was hard for that child, maybe I could help that child. It didn't make sense to me to keep reproducing when there were so many other kids who needed homes and when I didn't LIKE the way my family was. It wasn't that there was mental illness (almost all struck in some way) it was that they were MEAN. And I believe that can be inherited. So into my life came Goneboy, Princess and later on, with current husband, Sonic, Jumper and the kid we adopted who was horrendous already...way too damaged to be in a family, but we didn't know. Goneboy left and part of that was our decision to adopt an older child, close to Bart's age since Bart loved to play with other kids. That backfired big time on every level. Goneboy was a nice, but VERY independent little boy, and Bart and him fought since the first. When one asks Bart about his childhood, as I have, he will say, "I had a good chlidhood. You only made two mistakes. You didn't make me eat venegtables (to this day he hates them and, by the way, I did try to make him eat vegetables...hehe) and adopting Goneboy. It wasn't a good idea to adopt a child so close to my age." I love him to pieces. I'm sad that he inherited my anxiety disorder. But, in general, he has done well. I didn't want to roll the dice again. Adopting a child as old as Goneboy is difficult for anybody. We thought we could love him so much he'd love us back, but I now know that it doesn't always work that way with older adoptees. I'm talking six, not two, Copa. Your son was much younger. Anyhow... So strike one for hubby and me, although they did learn to co-exist. Goneboy did not want to be parented and pretty much parented himself. I'm not sorry we brought him here because he thrived in the good ole U.S.A. But we realized we did not shape this child in any way. He was too old when he came. He was already used to taking care of his own needs. His formative years were over. We adopted a baby next, Princess, and Princess was everything we wanted in a child. She had her struggles, but her disposition is kindhearted and sweet and caring and she is smart. Her daughter is the perfect baby. She is NOTHING like my DNA family and I love her to pieces partly for her kindness. NO sign of my DNA there. We have some traits in common. She was highly emotional, as I was in my 20's, but she is learning to deal with it and is the best mom ever. I love her to the moon. Her sweetness is music to me. I was not used to her degree of sweetness. I divorced, married again and husband had already been "cut" but decided he liked kids after he lived with a woman for four years who had two boys. He was very willing and eager to adopt more kids so we got Sonic and he is truly a blessing from God. I can't explain what a sweet, loving, hardworking, loveable person he is. Again, any trace of traits of my DNA...not there. I'm glad and I love him to the moon and back. Next we adopted Jumper and I'm sure by my posts everyone knows that I feel Jumper is the perfect daughter, perfect kid. I am so blessed to have ALL of my children, including Bart. I would not give him back. Is he harder to deal with? Yes, b ut I promised myself that no matter what I *would* deal with him because I refuse to scapegoat him and ostracize him like my mother did me. And he is really only hard for me to handle when he is under stress (his anxiety disorder) and he doesn't handle it well and neither do I. But I'm not sorry I gave birth to him and loved him up. I'm just glad I didn't take any further chances. He turned out all right and is thriving in many areas, but I feel bad every time he has an anxiety attack. I can not help it. I don't want my child to suffer, no matter how old he is. And I know he got that from me. Adopting an 11 year old after Jumper turned out to be a disaster and I realize there are some kids too old to love enough to save. We did love him. We had no idea what he was doing. We gave him the benefit of every doubt until we found out he had killed two of our dogs and molested our babies. He was gone. I don't want to write about that now other than to say the strength of my relationship with my husband held us together plus the incredible, compassionate free services offered to us by the county made us, if anything, stronger than ever . Do I wish we hadn't adopted the 11 year old? YES! So I had troubled kids in spite of not wanting to duplicate my DNA, but I was able to deal with it better, even when devestated, because I at least knew I was not the cause of it. He was what he was way before he met us. Do I wish I'd done it differently? Yes. I wish I had known that six and eleven year olds could not be loved to wellness and caring. But I am really very happy with my family. To me, my kids are the best kids ever, including Bart. I love how he has good memories of his childhood. I think it may have turned out differently if my FOO had been in his life, b ut thankfully they rejected me which meant they were NOT in his life. He doesn't miss what he didn't have nor do my other kids and I feel loed and cared for by all of my children, except Goneboy, andd I honestly believe the adoption psychologist I saw who told me t hat he had attachment disorder...he had been formed before meeting us and we gave him the chance to build a good life here, which he did. So my motives for only having one biological child may offend some, but this is about MY decision and this thread is about us and our FOO and in my case, problems and all, I chose not to keep reproducing because I saw a meanness/coldness in my FOO that I did not want to see in my kids. You don't have to agree with my decision, but I'm content with it and that is what matters. I would not have wanted a child that reminded me of me (Bart doesn't) or my mother or sister or brother. So we adopted and gave homes to kids who may have not gotten them, especially Sonic who lights up my world. And my husband's world. He was pretty much labeled hopeless. He proved everyone wrong. I do not care that he has a minor disability. Copa, my mother should not have ahd kids. But I'm glad she had me. I'm glad I exist. Still, it has not been an easy life. I did it without parenting or support. I cannot take on the bigger philosophy which is should any of us have been born because of flawed parents. We are here, so my beliefs tell me that we are here for a reason and SHOULD be here...to learn. To learn how to love. We were meant to be. I do not think about or judge whether people ho are already here should have been born. The answer is yes. But I also have no problem with people who decide to go childless for ANY reason or people who choose to have non-conventional families for ANY reason, like me. The bottom line in this thread about our FOO is that their dispositons and meanness scared me enough to be leery of having children who contained their DNA. I did have one, but decided not to do it again and it is what it is. If I was meant to have more biological kids I believe I would have been lead to do so. As it was, true to my nature, I preferred to adopt and I am not sorry things turned out the way they did. I am NOT sorry I have Bart. We love each other a lot. I hope this puts to rest my decision. I know I did not have to justify myself, but I consider all of you my friends who patiently listened to me and read my life's walk. So this was just another step I took. By age six I knew both myself and my entire family was a trainwrreck. I had very young insight into this. That doesn't mean I didn't want this damaged bunch to love me. I did. And that is what this thread is about...learning to live with or without our FOO. I think our FOOs influenced many of our life decisions. In my case, beyond the kid issue, I decided to dedicate my life to helping others, to be compassionate to the down and out, to remember "there but by the Grace of God go I." I decided deliberately to never call my children names. I may have said, "I don't like that behavior" but I never ever once said "You are bad." If you asked my kids, they'd tell you that, no, they were never called names. I never labeled any of them as good/scapegoat. In my mind, I have four good kids and had to let Goneboy go, but he is successful in his life. I am not sorry I did not have more biological children. It didn't spare me from problems with some, but it spared me from deliberately spreading a DNA set I didn't want tos spread and at the same time trying to help other kids who needed homes. I am content with my decision. I will discuss it no more, but felt that explaining myself once as ok. It is, of course, a part of my healing which is full steam ahead. Love and hugs and hoping for understanding from all of you. Work today (groan). A four day weekend. All of you have good, peaceful days!!! [/QUOTE]
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