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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664161" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I love this, Cedar. I am posting to this too, on other threads. My people, especially my maternal side, came in steerage.They left a country where they were hated and hunted. They crossed their landlocked country over several other countries, alone. They were younger than our D C's. Without the language they crossed continents, going from City to inhospitable City.</p><p></p><p>They did all this FRAGILE, HUMBLE, LONELY, ALONE.</p><p></p><p>The core of confidence. The core of defiance. The core of entitlement. The core of faith. The core of freedom. </p><p></p><p>That is who I am. That is my core.</p><p>Had I stood firm with the male therapist and not internalized his betrayal, I would have still been left with a betrayer.</p><p></p><p>The therapeutic relationship could never have been resurrected because he was a poseur, a fraud.</p><p></p><p>There are times one has to walk. Just walk. If I could have done so I would have. I had nobody else. I made a calculated decision. I was not forced. I stayed. Cost/benefit. So that is a stronger way to see it.</p><p></p><p>I realized I was stronger than he was. By staying I did not subordinate myself or my interests. I did not stay for him. I stayed for myself. I was able to go on to graduate school, stay the course, adopt a baby, establish a career. I made the right call.</p><p></p><p>I did not betray myself. He betrayed himself. I saw it.</p><p>We make a choice. But I am seeing it is not at all simple to understand these things. Almost 40 years later, I am seeing that I made a strong and correct decision to continue with that therapist.</p><p></p><p>It is painful to remember the pain I felt, when I was forced to accept his feet of clay, and hardest of all, to see that I was the stronger, the healthier...that he could not rescue me or save me. </p><p></p><p>This felt to me like a betrayal at the time...that my strength to him...had been frightening. I am afraid of my power, still. In a bit I will tell you a little about of the latest iteration.</p><p>This has been my Achilles heel. When circumstances reveal my secret shame.</p><p></p><p>Vulnerable. Alone. Nobody. Pishy. Rejected. Helpless. A pariah. Denounced. Abandoned as unworthy. Bad.</p><p>This was exactly as it was, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>These last couple of days, again, it has been hard. Perhaps it is because we have been talking, M and I, about my Mother's remains.</p><p></p><p>We will travel to the Ocean. A half block from where I grew up. My father's remains are in the Sea. My Mother loved him. I loved that home, in that place, where I grew up until 13. My grandmother is nearby. She will no longer be alone. I am at peace with this idea. More than at peace. It feels like a return.</p><p></p><p></p><p>But my sadness about my mother's death and dying is more than this. I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE IS GONE. I CANNOT BELIEVE I LOST HER FOREVER. I CANNOT BELIEVE I LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOTHER. EVEN IF SHE WAS IMPOSSIBLE.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664161, member: 18958"] I love this, Cedar. I am posting to this too, on other threads. My people, especially my maternal side, came in steerage.They left a country where they were hated and hunted. They crossed their landlocked country over several other countries, alone. They were younger than our D C's. Without the language they crossed continents, going from City to inhospitable City. They did all this FRAGILE, HUMBLE, LONELY, ALONE. The core of confidence. The core of defiance. The core of entitlement. The core of faith. The core of freedom. That is who I am. That is my core. Had I stood firm with the male therapist and not internalized his betrayal, I would have still been left with a betrayer. The therapeutic relationship could never have been resurrected because he was a poseur, a fraud. There are times one has to walk. Just walk. If I could have done so I would have. I had nobody else. I made a calculated decision. I was not forced. I stayed. Cost/benefit. So that is a stronger way to see it. I realized I was stronger than he was. By staying I did not subordinate myself or my interests. I did not stay for him. I stayed for myself. I was able to go on to graduate school, stay the course, adopt a baby, establish a career. I made the right call. I did not betray myself. He betrayed himself. I saw it. We make a choice. But I am seeing it is not at all simple to understand these things. Almost 40 years later, I am seeing that I made a strong and correct decision to continue with that therapist. It is painful to remember the pain I felt, when I was forced to accept his feet of clay, and hardest of all, to see that I was the stronger, the healthier...that he could not rescue me or save me. This felt to me like a betrayal at the time...that my strength to him...had been frightening. I am afraid of my power, still. In a bit I will tell you a little about of the latest iteration. This has been my Achilles heel. When circumstances reveal my secret shame. Vulnerable. Alone. Nobody. Pishy. Rejected. Helpless. A pariah. Denounced. Abandoned as unworthy. Bad. This was exactly as it was, Cedar. These last couple of days, again, it has been hard. Perhaps it is because we have been talking, M and I, about my Mother's remains. We will travel to the Ocean. A half block from where I grew up. My father's remains are in the Sea. My Mother loved him. I loved that home, in that place, where I grew up until 13. My grandmother is nearby. She will no longer be alone. I am at peace with this idea. More than at peace. It feels like a return. But my sadness about my mother's death and dying is more than this. I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE IS GONE. I CANNOT BELIEVE I LOST HER FOREVER. I CANNOT BELIEVE I LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOTHER. EVEN IF SHE WAS IMPOSSIBLE. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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