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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664880" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>We have my mother's car. I bought my sister's portion, because I did not want to lose it. A 1990 perfect Honda. Miles so low it is amazing. This morning M woke me up to say goodbye and asked me to go to the bank to withdraw $300 to buy a part. A sensor.</p><p></p><p>I felt mild resentment. Why is it always me who has to pay? And I had several thoughts in succession in the next few seconds. I could leave him. And then I would be alone. I am still not functional. It would mean the end of my life. It already may be. Maybe if I ended things with M I would get better. I would have to stand on my feet to do something. Maybe it is the dependency. If I were alone I would have to get up and do something.</p><p></p><p>And then I remembered the therapist. And I remembered staying with him for years and years because I felt I was not strong enough to leave. And the betrayals. How it felt. Years and years of compromising myself because I did not feel strong enough to leave. The therapist, taking my money or not, for what? Because he lacked faith in my strength to leave? That he could not tolerate a sense of failure or take responsibility for it?</p><p></p><p>I will need to post again. And again and again. About the therapist. I do not want to play this out with M. That relationship deserves to stand or fall on its own weight. </p><p></p><p>The thing is I am not carrying my weight. I am bad again. Wiped out emotionally. Again. Without the desire to do anything. </p><p></p><p>It is like I feel I am on my feet and may have my bearings and another wave comes crashing onto me and I am submerged. I find myself wondering, was my whole life lived underwater? And with the death of my mother and now my son, will I be forced to deal with the cumulative effects of the so many crashing waves that felled me over and over again in my life? Or was there only the default of my parents and everything that followed after that? </p><p></p><p>I am taking the antidepressant so I am hopeful. That is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I realized I needed to post. I wondered where. Coming to the board, I read first your post, Cedar. Thank you. I will continue about the therapist. Here. On this thread. Later today or tomorrow. I am not sure when. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664880, member: 18958"] We have my mother's car. I bought my sister's portion, because I did not want to lose it. A 1990 perfect Honda. Miles so low it is amazing. This morning M woke me up to say goodbye and asked me to go to the bank to withdraw $300 to buy a part. A sensor. I felt mild resentment. Why is it always me who has to pay? And I had several thoughts in succession in the next few seconds. I could leave him. And then I would be alone. I am still not functional. It would mean the end of my life. It already may be. Maybe if I ended things with M I would get better. I would have to stand on my feet to do something. Maybe it is the dependency. If I were alone I would have to get up and do something. And then I remembered the therapist. And I remembered staying with him for years and years because I felt I was not strong enough to leave. And the betrayals. How it felt. Years and years of compromising myself because I did not feel strong enough to leave. The therapist, taking my money or not, for what? Because he lacked faith in my strength to leave? That he could not tolerate a sense of failure or take responsibility for it? I will need to post again. And again and again. About the therapist. I do not want to play this out with M. That relationship deserves to stand or fall on its own weight. The thing is I am not carrying my weight. I am bad again. Wiped out emotionally. Again. Without the desire to do anything. It is like I feel I am on my feet and may have my bearings and another wave comes crashing onto me and I am submerged. I find myself wondering, was my whole life lived underwater? And with the death of my mother and now my son, will I be forced to deal with the cumulative effects of the so many crashing waves that felled me over and over again in my life? Or was there only the default of my parents and everything that followed after that? I am taking the antidepressant so I am hopeful. That is a good thing. I realized I needed to post. I wondered where. Coming to the board, I read first your post, Cedar. Thank you. I will continue about the therapist. Here. On this thread. Later today or tomorrow. I am not sure when. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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