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Family problem - advice welcome
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 145205" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's not OK behaviour. Not at all. But if he clearly can't remember stuff you've discussed then you need to plan accordingly.</p><p></p><p>He sounds a lot like a woman I know who for years would ring me to talk about her problems, but would at times get abusive with me (especially via email) when her views changed (because she has been told what to think by other people) and I didn't realise. Long story - I won't go into it now. </p><p>She would send me an inflammatory, extremely right wing email of the sort that really gets up a lot of people's noses. If I ignored it, she would have said i was rude for not replying. If I replied with contempt, she would have got angry with me for being rude. So I replied gently, saying that there are many sides to a story, and got a raging email back telling me to stop pushing my left wing views down her throat.</p><p></p><p>What it all boiled down to - she had her own version of the rules of behaviour, and they only applied to her. Everything centred around her and her needs. My views, my needs, my requests - immaterial. My sole existence was for her. I was to be available to talk to when she needed someone (in other words, when she was trying to find someone to validate her weird ideas). If I was not available then I was doing this on purpose to be mean.</p><p></p><p>What I have done - I have stopped caring if she gets angry. I have simply set up barriers. I am no longer available. As a result, she has finally stopped calling.</p><p></p><p>Despite the abusive messages I got from her, she acts as if we are best buddies when we meet. I do see her occasionally, she works where I shop. We belong to a couple of organisations in common. We live in roughly the same part of Sydney.</p><p></p><p>But when we meet, I'm polite and friendly. I will avoid talking to her unless she talks to me (it helps me gauge her mood and current mental state) but I won't ignore her. I no longer reply to her emails though.</p><p></p><p>Your mother sounds like she's enabling your brother. Her behaviour allows him to continue to behave badly without getting called on it. You need to talk to her and give her advance notice - "I do not want to be rude to him, but I will no longer tolerate him being rude to me. It sets a bad example for my children, to see me tolerate that sort of behaviour from someone who is an adult and should behave better."</p><p></p><p>Then follow through. If he is rude to you or mean to you publicly, then politely and quietly stand your ground. Be prepared to leave and go home, taking your family with you. You don't have to walk out in high dudgeon, just simply say to whoever is hosting the event, "Thank you for inviting us. It's time for us to go home now." If he follows shouting at you, do not engage. Ignore him totally. Only respond to him if he is being quiet and polite.</p><p></p><p>If he's being rude and you do get the chance, say to him, "I am happy to talk to you but only if you are respectful. I require politeness from my children and I need to teach them that politeness is rewarded and rudeness will be ignored." And if you are fairly sure that such a statement to him will set him off, then say it AFTER you have your family corralled and ready to leave.</p><p></p><p>You cannot be held hostage to your mother's over-indulgence. And she shouldn't expect you to allow yourself to be treated badly. We all deserve to be treated by others with respect, we should never ask someone else to put up with such behaviour from another adult, without comment.</p><p></p><p>I would also explain to your children that their uncle has problems which is why he is often rude; you understand this but are no longer going to accept it. if he is having a difficult day, then he can have that difficult day without you being around to share it with him.</p><p></p><p>This takes courage. Your mother seems to be to be the bigger problem here.</p><p></p><p>Also, stop giving him stuff. If he ever comes to you and complains that you gave something away that he could have used, ask him to put his request to you in writing and to sign it. Only then will you go back to offering him first refusal - and if in future he gets rude about it, show him his signature.</p><p></p><p>And your stand on the telephones - spot on. Stick with it.</p><p></p><p>Good luck!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 145205, member: 1991"] It's not OK behaviour. Not at all. But if he clearly can't remember stuff you've discussed then you need to plan accordingly. He sounds a lot like a woman I know who for years would ring me to talk about her problems, but would at times get abusive with me (especially via email) when her views changed (because she has been told what to think by other people) and I didn't realise. Long story - I won't go into it now. She would send me an inflammatory, extremely right wing email of the sort that really gets up a lot of people's noses. If I ignored it, she would have said i was rude for not replying. If I replied with contempt, she would have got angry with me for being rude. So I replied gently, saying that there are many sides to a story, and got a raging email back telling me to stop pushing my left wing views down her throat. What it all boiled down to - she had her own version of the rules of behaviour, and they only applied to her. Everything centred around her and her needs. My views, my needs, my requests - immaterial. My sole existence was for her. I was to be available to talk to when she needed someone (in other words, when she was trying to find someone to validate her weird ideas). If I was not available then I was doing this on purpose to be mean. What I have done - I have stopped caring if she gets angry. I have simply set up barriers. I am no longer available. As a result, she has finally stopped calling. Despite the abusive messages I got from her, she acts as if we are best buddies when we meet. I do see her occasionally, she works where I shop. We belong to a couple of organisations in common. We live in roughly the same part of Sydney. But when we meet, I'm polite and friendly. I will avoid talking to her unless she talks to me (it helps me gauge her mood and current mental state) but I won't ignore her. I no longer reply to her emails though. Your mother sounds like she's enabling your brother. Her behaviour allows him to continue to behave badly without getting called on it. You need to talk to her and give her advance notice - "I do not want to be rude to him, but I will no longer tolerate him being rude to me. It sets a bad example for my children, to see me tolerate that sort of behaviour from someone who is an adult and should behave better." Then follow through. If he is rude to you or mean to you publicly, then politely and quietly stand your ground. Be prepared to leave and go home, taking your family with you. You don't have to walk out in high dudgeon, just simply say to whoever is hosting the event, "Thank you for inviting us. It's time for us to go home now." If he follows shouting at you, do not engage. Ignore him totally. Only respond to him if he is being quiet and polite. If he's being rude and you do get the chance, say to him, "I am happy to talk to you but only if you are respectful. I require politeness from my children and I need to teach them that politeness is rewarded and rudeness will be ignored." And if you are fairly sure that such a statement to him will set him off, then say it AFTER you have your family corralled and ready to leave. You cannot be held hostage to your mother's over-indulgence. And she shouldn't expect you to allow yourself to be treated badly. We all deserve to be treated by others with respect, we should never ask someone else to put up with such behaviour from another adult, without comment. I would also explain to your children that their uncle has problems which is why he is often rude; you understand this but are no longer going to accept it. if he is having a difficult day, then he can have that difficult day without you being around to share it with him. This takes courage. Your mother seems to be to be the bigger problem here. Also, stop giving him stuff. If he ever comes to you and complains that you gave something away that he could have used, ask him to put his request to you in writing and to sign it. Only then will you go back to offering him first refusal - and if in future he gets rude about it, show him his signature. And your stand on the telephones - spot on. Stick with it. Good luck! Marg [/QUOTE]
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