Family Reunion From Hell

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The main part of the day was a typical reunion. Tons of food, lots of people, disorganized picture taking.

    When our son and his grandparents arrived, I took him aside and got out of my system the residue from our phone calls on Monday, ending with, "If you ever speak to me that way again, I don't care how angry you are with me, it will be months before you will speak with me again." He apologized. We hugged. Resolved.

    I had a few moments to speak with his grandmother. It was worse than I thought it would be in that she admitted that he really frightened her. She said she didn't believe he'd ever hurt her...when he's in his right mind...but that the way he was Monday - he scared her. At one point she mentioned his "big knife". It's a pocket knife with a 3" blade I bought him! (In my family, all the guys carried pocket knives. My father was never without one.) I told her that. She said she didn't like knives. We didn't actually get a lot of discussion done because he kept showing up. I took him aside once and discussed that with him; that he had really scared her. He honestly didn't understand. Didn't understand why they were so upset. Admitted he had shouted at his grandfather to keep his hands off him, when he tried to touch him mid-tantrum. Kept repeating if they'd have just left him alone and not tried to make him read a bible verse when he was upset (he's an atheist and they know it), it never would have escalated, etc., etc. but now everything was better. He still hoped to get a job. Was concerned about not being able to get to his girlfriend's on Friday for her birthday. Usual, self-centered self.

    But then it was time to leave. Jabber and I had a 2 hour drive our direction. For the other family it was 3 in a different direction. Most, including his grandparents and he, had spent the night in a hotel. He was riding back home with an aunt (the middle sis), and expected to stay at his grandparents' house alone as they were staying longer with family. In making my goodbyes, I told his grandmother, "You should kick him out if you need to." and she told me it was going to happen and she hated it, but he really scared them and they just couldn't handle it. Keep in mind, they are nearing 80.

    So...I wait and wait for Jabber and see him talking to two of his sisters (the oldest and middle) privately. I finally go to get him and end up in the conversation.

    The family (5 sisters and a brother) had apparently decided they would "handle it" and that our son would not be spending another night under their parent's roof. Grandma had protested discussions of the daughters taking care of things, Grandpa not so much (more on that later). The two sisters tell us that their parents are afraid of him. They'd taken to locking their bedroom door at night. They were nervous and stressed and scared and he had to go. The middle sister had actually had him do housework for her on Tuesday or Wednesday and said he'd been the most pleasant kid you'd ever meet that day, but Monday he'd been different, etc., etc. Anyway, they were unwilling to let him even stay there without their parents there and one said she'd put him up in a hotel. The oldest (who lives in another state and really hasn't been present for our whole ordeal with our son), then said, "Why aren't you taking him? That's your responsibility." or words to that effect.

    Long story short, the brother and youngest sister join in, the decision is made that Jabber and I will take him to the girlfriend's town and put him up in a hotel for the night. Middle sister says she'll collect his belongings from their parents' house and take them to him, and take him to the closest shelter (in a neighboring town) and even remarked that she'd go back and take him to the girl friend's on Friday. It's about an hour each way for her, but for Jabber and I the trip would be 3 hours to the grandparents, 1 hour to the town, then another 1 1/2 to 2 hours home! We decide we'll just get him in the car and tell him on the way to avoid a scene. Middle sister even tells him she loves him and, if she has any more work to do she'll have him do it.

    We tell him. He is, of course, incredibly hurt and angry. He doesn't understand why this is happening. He said since Monday things had gotten better and were going well. He was going to call Pizza Hut again Monday and hoped to get the job. He'd hoped to work and get a paycheck before going back to the girlfriends' town.

    We explain that, while they may have not shown it, his grandparents were extremely stressed. They are near 80, in ill health (Jabber's father has Parkinson's) and they simply couldn't take the stress. Most important though is the fact that Jabber's father actually seems to be suffering from a type of PTSD over the whole thing. You see, Jabber's father's mom, dad, and some siblings were murdered in their home by apparently a spurned admirer of the oldest daughter, when he was a young teenager. He and four or five siblings survived. Middle sister said that in the last 6 months or so, as Jabber's dad has become more frail, he seems to be dwelling on the murders. No one has said anything to Jabber - their oldest son.

    We explain all this to our son. We explain that the family does love and care about him, but they feel they have to protect their parents from any more stress. We tell him that if any one of their children were causing that kind of stress, the reaction would be the same. Our son seems to accept this. On the way he actually perks up quite a bit. Even after we discover that the shelter he was supposed to go to is now a women's shelter only (their website apparently hasn't been updated in freaking years!) he says it's okay...the girl is turning 18 on Thursday, she'll have $1,100 after her next paycheck, she says there are places hiring in her town, he can sleep on the street for a while, etc. We take him to Wal-Mart to replace some of the food I originally bought (dried fruit, canned meat, jerky, etc.) We buy him a book to replace the one he'd checked out from the library in his grandparent's town (which I'm going to have to somehow return). He's actually in good spirits. There is no motel/hotel in the girlfriend's town either, but there is in one 15 miles away. We take him there, knowing that middle sister will bring him his bag and take him where he wants to go Sunday morning.

    On the way home middle sis calls. We have a bad signal, but manage to tell her the hotel name and that she'll just be taking him to the girlfriend's town since the shelter is women only. We say we'll call later. Finally at 10 at night, after hours on the road, we get a call from our son. The front desk says someone dropped a bag off for him. Jabber had said he was staying, not our son, since it was our credit card and we didn't know if the hotel would get sketchy about it and it was the only hotel affordable - better safe than sorry - so we couldn't figure out what was going on. We call middle sis. She has gone and picked up his things and given them to youngest sis who lives closest to that town and youngest sis had dropped off our son's backpack. When Jabber asks why, since she was giving him a ride the next day, she says she won't do it. Something like, "He needs to figure out how to take care of this himself."

    I am LIVID. YES, he needs to figure things out himself, but we left him in the WRONG town BECAUSE she said she'd give him a ride! Otherwise we'd have left him where he wants to be! Yes, he'd be sleeping under a bridge a day sooner, but he wouldn't have a 15 mile hike on top of it! She says she "misunderstood" and she realized she has her grandkids and that she can't do it. Eventually she says she will...then she calls our son and says she won't. He calls me, she calls Jabber, we all are upset!

    Please understand - I find NO fault in them deciding he had to leave his grandparents' home. I even agree it was a bad idea for him to stay there. They preach and push their values are very, very different from his on virtually every subject (mine too on a lot of subjects) but unlike me he has no ability to simply smile and nod while thinking "you're an idiot"...which in my opinion is an essential life skill in dealing with people you disagree with. My disagreement is HOW they did this. They didn't sit him down, explain this wasn't working, offer any alternatives, they threw him out like trash - six days after the incident - and basically stranded him 15 miles from where he was supposed to be. He was completely blindsided. I might add, his grandmother will be too when they get around to telling her what they did. While she intended to kick him out, I assure you she would NEVER have stranded him.

    My son woke up Saturday morning and believed he was going to a family reunion. He went to bed feeling he has no family but Jabber and I.

    So...we're calling him a cab and paying to take him to the next town. On very little sleep and a 3+ hour drive, it's the best choice. He at least will be in the town he wanted to be in.

    So...that's really it. We're exhausted. We feel quite betrayed ourselves. Jabber is hurt that apparently the family has been discussing this for a while but NO ONE bothered to call and tell US, not to mention the fact that middle sis is apparently concerned with her father's state of mind, but NO ONE told US. Our son says he has no family and never cares to ever see another one of them ever again. To be perfectly honest, while frankly horrified and heart-broken that his grandparents actually thought he might do them harm (for all his posturing, he has never been violent toward any person) I feel much the same right at the moment at least where my sisters-in-law and brother-in-law are concerned. I feel, frankly, that despite what I told our son last night, that they would not have treated any one of their children this way...just my son, their brother's "adopted" son. I frankly don't feel that they have ever considered him "theirs" the way they do the others - even though we married when he was 5. Jabber disagrees and it may just be the hurt talking, but right now that's how I feel.
     
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I want to make perfectly clear - I do NOT disagree with the sisters tossing him out. I think it was best. I do not think the fault is anyone's but his. HE cannot control his temper and he frightened his grandparents. Perhaps a bit of an overreaction on their part, but they are old, fairly frail, there is the violence in grandpa's history, and really, we are used to his tantrums and know he would not do harm to anyone, so it's completely understandable. That they felt it necessary to lock their door and keep their checkbooks with them, etc., just kills me. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that the family thinks so poorly of him. Think he's a loser, a lazy bum, but not someone who would hurt people! I'm even upset with him for feeling more sorry for himself than ashamed of himself for frightening his grandparents.

    But the way they did this...it was just wrong.
     
  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Having had at least two nephews go through serious drug issues, I don't think that they think poorly of him, they are just very concerned about mom and dad. I agree whole heartedly that this was handled poorly. I am NOT happy with several of my siblings right now. Thing is, if they had told us this yesterday before we left then we would have taken the extra time to stop by mom and dads to pick up his stuff and took him to the town he was going to in the first place. Would have made a long night that much longer, but we'd have done it.
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Not to mention that, if we had not been lucky enough to find a cab company that would take our credit card information over the phone, we would have ended up with a 3-4 hour drive today, after no sleep last night, to take him. Because WE would not have let him be stranded after promising him he would be taken there. WE keep our words. Always.
     
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Bless your in laws,for taking your son in.

    Didn't one of the sisters drop him off there in the first place? Did they not know what they were getting in to? (I meant the family.)

    Very poorly handled, to drop the ball on you like that.
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It would have been the right thing to do to at least inform you of the situation. Yes, It is very scary when our grown children fly off the handle. I firmly believe that if you tell someone you are going to do something that you do it. I also believe that we have the right to change our minds. It is only right that we inform the person ourselves of the change and not dump it on someone else to take care of.

    I hope that your son will begin to see what the consequences are for making plans that are not well thought out.

    The grands did what they believed was right in helping your son. They now know what you have had to endure.
     
  7. Sorry for this Lil and Jabber. Although it is understandable that Jabber's sisters would feel protective and apprehensive since the parents' are elderly and therefore vulnerable, blindsiding Difficult Child was also not fair not to mention the inconvenience they created for you. Hopefully Difficult Child will take this lesson and realize he has to do right and be responsible for his own life and quit relying on others.
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The number one betrayal here is that the sibs were discussing this "for some time"... and hadn't called Jabber or you. How on earth can they ever get the rest of the picture any other way? What on earth were they thinking?

    I know a bit of how your son feels. I have a ton of "relatives" and basically no family except our little household. It stinks. Worse than a skunk nest.

    And with our "differently-developed" kids, this kind of stuff is irreversible. He will never again feel like anyone from that side if the family actually cares about him at all. Even if he grows up and turns out decent, he will never be able to trust them.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Guys, I know you're angry and not used to families taking back promises, but it happens all the time. Maybe, after discussing it and thinking about it, they just didn't want to do it...and they are not responsible for him. Nobody is but himself. He can't do this alone, but he should be able to in my opinion. How your son feels is important, but he didn't make anyone else feel good either and he SCARED your elderly parents. I'd be fuming...at him. Your family is not responsible for him. Whether they feel he is a real family member of not, they sure treated him more like one than many of us were treated in our biological families. I believe this is on him and who he is and what he does...and, Lord, he should not have had a knife. Disturbed adults and any sort of weapons don't mix.

    In the end, this is reallly your son's fault, if fault must be established. Humans are humans and make bad decisions under stress. Everyone is trying to figure out what to do about your son. Everyone except him. There's something wrong here.

    Often our disturbed adult children cause a lot of chaos in the family. He is indeed alone with you and Jabber and I hope he doesn't wear that out. I doubt the girlfriend will be a solution or last long.

    I know this is not a post that says the family was wrong, and I may be the only one who gets the ambivalence of thought and action when dealing with a very disturbed, ungrateful and not-even-my-own child, but I do get it. I lived in a chaotic family and nothing spells chaos like a young man who wants his relatives to fix it yet can't behave around them.

    In the end, I feel empathy for all of you. I hope your son gets his act together so that your family never has to make these decisions again or go out of their way for him again. He is the one, in my opinion, who bears this...it is h is problem.

    Hugs to both of you. I care about you very much, but your son needs to stop causing this kind of drama and involving the extended family in his play. This is what happens...people who love each other go after each other...when a difficult child takes control and sucks the air out of everyone's space. I am so sorry.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wow, what a mess.
    The thing is Lil, your son is responsible for others' perceptions, reactions and responses to his bad behavior. Whether he intended to scare them, whether he is violent or not, matters not at all. The consequences will always be to him in the long run. Nobody is responsibility for interpreting or excusing his behavior. Only a mother or father is motivated to look at the bigger picture, or the real truth of things. Nobody else has to, or should. This underscores the dangers for our difficult children if we indulge them. They come to expect that the world is thus. And it is not.

    Does your son lack the capacity to control himself or does he choose to use this behavior instrumentally? That is the question. If it is the former, and lack of control is related to some underlying condition, there may be ways he can be helped.

    If he uses outbursts just because or to control an outcome, if he chooses this behavior for whatever reason, this has far different implications.
    What happened is troubling. As I recall one of Jabber's sisters picked up your son at the train and brought him to his grandparents' house. Given these concerns about Grandpa, why?

    The siblings allowed your son to walk into a train wreck. He was almost lured in. He is responsible for his behavior. He was not responsible for how it was handled. I do not fault Grandma and Grandpa. I do hold responsible the sibs. Those who were concerned about Grandpa and Grandma should have spoken up and a solution found, right away. That all this happened as theater at a family festivity was shaming and hurtful.

    He and you and Jabber were essentially tricked. You went to a BBQ and it ended up as a shunning. There was a bait and switch around son's stuff and its delivery. Multiple people participated. Nobody is taking responsibility except Jabber and you.
    I know how you feel Lil. My son is adopted and I confronted the same thing. The thing is you have to make a choice now. To learn, and keep your mouth shut. Or go to war.
    Yes, this is true. But there had been no indication that Lil and Jabber's son had changed one bit. The way I understand it, Lil and Jabber were completely open about his behaviors. The extended family chose to help. They changed their mind. That is their right but there is a right and wrong way to handle it. At the very least, there was not clear communication. At worst, Lil and Jabber's son was treated as an intruder, and dealt as such, not as family. If he had been asked to leave after the outburst, that would have been appropriate. If Lil or Jabber had been called and told the reality of things, they would have responded.

    I would be hurt, too. I am hurt. Grandparents acted in good faith, with good heart. They got in over their head. Somebody should have called Jabber so that he could have taken steps to get son out of there. Sooner rather than later. Nobody did. Instead they acted furtively and hurtfully. Bad choice.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2015
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hearing about it and living with it are two different things. I'm sorry. He tried to act "bad." He scared his two elderly grandparents. He didn't like their praching because he's an atheist. Their house/their rules. You don't like it find an atheist to take you in. One is allowed to preach in his own home and Difficult Child knew it would happen. I think he was the abuser here.

    Copa, I know you and I was set up by horrible mothers as scapegoats. But Jabber's family was loving and kind to him. This is not the norm for them. I do not think they scapegoated this young man. I think they are generally scared about their parents and it is not always easy to speak to your siblings, even in a normal family, about ad isturbed child.

    The grandparents did not trick him. They wanted to help him.

    This girlfriend mess is a disaster waiting to happen in my opinion. It won't change anything and will cause more drama. Sometimes I know that when things go wrong with our kids we like to divert ourselves and sometimes that means looking at others. In the big picture, this is just another mishap in this young man's walk. He knew exactly what he was doing and feels sorry for himself, but not sorry for anything he did. At least, until I hear more, that's how it seems.

    I feel REALLY bad for Lil and Jabber who are not used to the crapola going on in the family. This is nothing like our lives, Copa. This is a loving family that had good intentions. The young man was not set up. If anything, he has been given many more chances than many difficult adult children ever get and is still pitying himself.

    Difficult kids tend to burn every bridge they have...family, friends...then they are with nobody. I worked at a homeless shelter. Mainly, although it was hard to get stories out of the clients, what we did get out of them was pretty much that they had help but were thrown out agains and again. Hard to believe the world was against them...

    Just saying. I don't see this as being anything like us.
     
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Actually, youngest sis was asked to take him to girlfriend's town and then to the shelter. As it turns out, the shelter is not an option, but that day we didn't know that. She was very upset at the idea of a shelter finally he agreed to her parents. He actually wanted the shelter. We didn't think the grandparents were a good idea, but we were just kind of hoping for the best.

    See - that's exactly what I think and he does feel that way. Both Jabber and I having come from a large and loving family, this saddens us immensely.

    And we are. But here's the thing, the same day he had his tantrum, which generally involves lots of screaming and shouting and such, Jabber spoke with his mother! I spoke with her the next day! She said it was better. He'd scared her with his outburst, but he'd calmed down and it was better. Her other son had been called and apparently read ours the riot act about his behaviour and told him he'd beat the hell out of him if he ever even considered putting a finger on his parents. Middle sister had been there that night and had our son come do her housework the next day. They had a great time. She'd posted nice things about him on Facebook. Did anyone at any time say anything about him being scary? Did they call us? Did they kick him out then?

    NO. What they did was wait until the next weekend and then grab us as we're ready to leave the reunion to toss him out without warning.

    Jabbers own mother did not know her grandson was not going to be allowed back into her house. What his father knew, I don't know.

    It is a pocket knife not a machete! I'm not going to say anything more about that.

    Actually, he had a plan. Is it a great plan? No. But it's not like he's wandering aimlessly around. He hoped he could get a job for a few weeks then he and the girl could get a place. I admit he has a poor job-hunting ethic, but he was making an attempt.

    This is a good question and I'm actually not sure of the answer.

    This is exactly how I feel. It is absolutely his fault he got kicked out. It was HOW they did it I have a problem with! And even if they only just made up their mind on Friday - WHY did no one CALL us and give us a heads-up?

    Yes.

    I'll say again, the ONLY person I fault for him getting kicked out is HIM! If he had an ounce of sense, he'd have just gone along with the grandparents, no matter how ridiculous their suggestions and demands. He should have never, EVER raised his voice to them, much less scream and freak out as he does at times.

    But that being said, KICK HIM OUT THEN. Have a family meeting. Tell him they won't put up with a second of disrespect to their parents and he could be driven or walk, but out he goes! Heck, youngest sister and next to the oldest sister both have husbands literally 6'6" tall and built like linebackers. I assure you, he wouldn't try anything with them if the, (frankly large and intimidating sisters and) brother couldn't handle it.

    Or maybe just CALL US! Jabber would have called in sick, driven up there, and that would have been it.
     
  13. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Some knew more than others but none of them know the whole story. Mom and dad come closest to knowing it while the sister just older than me went through issues with her two sons and drugs so comes closest to understanding it. She is the one who promised the ride then back out.

    And I have NO problem whatsoever with them not wanting to give him a ride. It was the manner in which it was done. During the discussion at the reunion, the one sister was going to get his back pack this morning, take it to him, and give him a ride to the town he wanted to go to. She even went so far as to say that she would pick him up Friday and give him the ride to spend the girlfriends birthday where they planned. I understand people changing their minds and if she had called us a couple hour after we left and told us this, we would have adjusted our plans. She could have mentioned this when we talked to her after we had put him in the hotel we could have adjusted since we were only 20 minutes out. The way she did it made it seem like she waited until we got home to tell us specifically so we werent in the area to adjust. Basically trying to force us to detach, even though she has NO idea where we were at in the process.

    Unfortunately, cant argue this one bit.

    This is something we've been trying to teach him for YEARS!! Have mentioned it before in several other threads.

    Honestly, we arent sure. I can say that there hits a point in one of his episodes that he has no control which is what my parents experienced.

    Yes, my youngest sister. We advised against doing this but by the time they really asked our opinion, he was already there.

    And this is my major issue. After the incident on Monday I talked to my mom and while a bit freaked she seemed ok. None of the sibs bothered to contact me and inform me that mom had downplayed how she felt because she still wanted to help our son, and that the situation was getting worse. Our son is very much of the attitude that after you've calmed down and apologized then its over. Again, we've tried to teach him that this isnt always true, especially for major issues. He just doesnt get it.

    They are genuinely scared but apparently havent thought about why I've never considered asking mom and dad to let him stay there. I knew something like this would happen. Again, its not about what was done but how it was done. By the time we dropped him off it was over in his mind. Then my sister, the one he trusted most, backed out of the ride. She called us and told us as we were getting out of the car. She had called him before we had even got the stuff from the car in the house. I dont think it was intentional but the way she handled it pretty much guaranteed that our son wont trust my sibs for years if ever.

    Preaching to the choir but its his mess to deal with. Just found out the girlfriend has only been living with dad for about 2 months. Had been living with mom but they couldnt get along. Yeah, fun times ahead.

    I dont know if he knew what he was doing when he blew up on Monday. Yeah, in the car he wasn't terribly sorry about it but then again, doesnt feel that it was his fault. While I will acknowledge that mistakes were made on both sides, all he had to do was what they were saying. He knows that most jop applications are online and mom and dad are retired and havent job hunted in decades so they are used to the old way. Thing is, you cant explain this to them, you have to show them. After stopping at three or four places and telling them that they dont have applications, they are online, mom and dad would have figured it out. And as it's been previously said, their house, their rules. Another concept he doesnt seem to grasp.

    Never said he was set up, said he was blind sided. I had warned my mom when she told me that she was going to let him stay in their house by himself that there was a VERY good chance that he would steal from them. Her response was that she understood and if he did that, then she could honestly say she had tried and it was on him. As far as being given more chances, maybe, maybe not. But the fact remains that no matter how many chances we give him, any time ANYTHING goes wrong its always someone elses fault.
     
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    And not only that, but she said she'd do it on the phone to us, then immediately called him and told him no...AND called the hotel and told them it was her nephew and not her brother, staying there. So if the hotel had a problem with that, she would have gotten him kicked out of the room WE paid for at 10:00 at night! Maybe we shouldn't have said Jabber would be there, but it was late and we didn't want them to fuss about our son being there when the bill was being paid by Jabber's card. I admit to feeling a little dishonest about that, but we don't stay in many hotels. We didn't know if it would be a problem and didn't want anything to rock the boat for one night. It feels as though she did this intentionally to make it as bad as possible for him, so he could "deal with it"...after pointedly telling him how much she loved him and how she'd hire him again if she had more work to help him out.

    I have a problem with this. The grandparents knew exactly why our son was out of our home. He knows they know. I don't actually think he would have done any such thing since he'd hoped to stay another two weeks then leave for the girlfriend's. A possibility? Maybe. More likely than not? No.

    Not to mention they have a 30 foot travel trailer right outside their house. They could have stuffed him in that for the night if they were so worried about it.
     
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure the plan was NOT set in motion by the grandparents. More likely, their kids, trying to "look out for the grandparents", and not wanting the grandparents to have anything to do with this kid.

    Because the grandparents sound fairly logical, and might have come up with an idea like using the travel trailer.
     
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm sure of this too, and I don't blame the grandparents. I'm not angry at all at my mother and father-in-law. Sad, yes. Heartbroken that they were frightened. I feel very badly for my father-in-law, whose families murders have been weighing heavily on his mind, making my son's outburst more frightening. That is just so sad. But while he doesn't scare us one bit, they have never seen him when he was throwing a tantrum and shouting and screaming. They are old and small and frail and I don't blame them for one second.

    I just wish they would have called us if they were feeling that way. If they wanted him out and couldn't do it themselves, all they had to do was call. It hurts me that they didn't do that.

    I don't blame my husband's siblings for wanting to protect their parents. They should. I blame them blind-siding us instead of even giving us a simple call, even if it were the night before, heck, even a few hours earlier so we could have handled it properly. I blame middle sis for telling us one thing and then doing another. It feels like she was being dishonest and frankly cruel.

    When we dropped him off, he was okay. He still felt his aunts loved him. He still felt as though he has family...even if they were kicking him out and not helping him anymore. Now he doesn't. They hurt him, and that I have a problem with.

    It's entirely with the handling, not the outcome.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2015
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    As in, the problem isn't the intended result, it's the "side effects" - which were not necessary.
     
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If by that you mean the intended result was kicking him out and back to the girlfriend's town and the "side effects" were the 4+ hours we had in the car, the exhaustion and the pain caused to my son, her brother and myself?

    Absolutely.

    My son is immature and deserved to be put out. But he's not completely unreasonable. When we dropped him off, he was prepared to forgive and forget and accept that this had happened. Once she called him and refused him the simple car ride she'd promised, that was over. He feels that they threw him out like trash and that didn't have to be the case.

    And I really think that his grandmother, while being relieved he is gone, is going to feel very, very badly if she ever finds out how it was done.

    I don't intend to ever tell her, but the fact that her grandson will likely never again attend a family function may lead her to the discovery.
     
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, I only mean that they were aware of his stealing and thus they were keeping their valuables like check books and credit cards, etc., on them and well protected, and that since they knew - and he knew they knew - I think he's less likely, not more likely, to steal from them. It's all academic now...but I don't blame them for anything really.
     
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am not going to tell you not to be upset. This is not the world you are used to. But many people do not trust people in their family and they survive. Your son has you and his mom. If he doesn't trust the other family members (and they probably don't trust him either) it will still be okay. It is for many, many, many, many people. If you act up and don't become responsible as a man, you are going to tick off your family and not everyone is going to like you and maybe you will not trust one another. If he gets his act together, with the love your family has always had, chances are good that everything will resolve, don't you think? Right now he needs to get a GOOD plan for his life. If he can not control his outbursts,t hen he needs to go for psychiatric testing to take care of this, as I had to do at age twenty three. Nobody can take care of his problems but him, but he CAN do it. He CAN.
    I am sorry your son feels your family doesn't like him or has betrayed him. It was a bad idea of your sister's to bring him to your parent's house if she was worried about their health. She made a mistake in judgment, in my opinion. But I do believe she did not anticipate what happened and meant to help. Why she waited so long to contact you about changing her mind is really baffling. All I know from my own life is that people talk to people and their minds get changed. Sometimes we learn why. Sometimes we don't. I'm sorry. At the same time, I think it was appropriate to contact your son rather than you to tell him she would not give him a ride. He is a man and this problem is actually his, not yourus. Now if he felt you would help, he could have called you after the phone call. But at his age, I would not be upset if somebody contacted my adult child rather t han me. That would not have been an issue, at least not to me. However, it ended up in your lap and created a hardship.

    I still think that the main perpetrator here is your son. It was in his power to be respectful for a just a while in your parents home and he didn't do it. That caused a huge chain reaction and bad feelings in the entire family. This is not uncommon when dealing with these types of serious issues. But I'm so sorry it happened to such nice people.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2015
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