Family therapist appointment

[dstc_99]

So today we had our family appointment with me the difficult child and the easy child. The therapist brought them in and talked to them for almost an hour and then had me come up.

Basically the kids begin by telling me my failings. I am a horrible mother. I dont cook or clean and I am mean at home. I am too hard on the difficult child and not the easy child.

difficult child proceeds to go off on her major complaint which is that I dont let her go to her boyfriend's house since that is where she self harmed. Long story short the therapist thinks I should give her a trial run of being allowed to go to the boyfriend's house. I am ****** because then I am put in the position of saying yes you can have what you want and go to the boyfriend's. What the hell do I get out of it? Is she going to stop being mean to me. Is she going to stop disrespecting me? NOPE

So basically that was her only rule. She was already allowed to hang out with him and hang with her friends any time she wanted she just has a curfew. Her chores are to do her own laundry, unload the dishwasher (which I might add she rarely does), and feed her pets. THE ONLY FREAKING THING I HAD A RULE ABOUT WAS BEING AT HIS HOUSE AND NOW THAT IS GONE!!!

I feel beaten, I feel like a piece of ****, I feel like a failure. Game set match and I lose, she gets to return to the house where a parent buys liquour for her kid and where she self harms. I get JACK ****!

Honestly what is the point in me parenting if I am not allowed to parent?

 

[DaisyFace]

Whoa - that sounds like a rough visit!

Now...time to reflect...

First, and most important, there are good tdocs and bad tdocs. You are under no obligation to compromise your standards, morals and/or integrity just because a therapist says so. But, it sounds like you already agreed to the boyfriend's house during the appointment and in front of difficult child. So save that for next time...

Meanwhile, if you do decide to let difficult child go to boyfriend's house - there is nothing saying you cannot "pop" in and check on her every so often... After all, this is supposed to be a "trial run" for difficult child to prove that she is trustworthy. Surely there can be no objection?

 

[JJJ]

No way. therapist is not mom, therapist does not make the rules.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Bad therapist.
We've had those.
They think - based on a few appointments - that THEY know our kids better than we do...

It's part of why we gave up completely on tdocs. We never did find one we could work with.

 

[TeDo]

That therapist was out of line. IF she hadn't tried harming herself there it would be another story but since she did, it's YOUR responsibility to make sure it can't happen again. If it happened once and then you let her return there and it happens again, they can actually come after you for not ensuring her safety. Personally, that is one chance I would not be willing to take AND I would NOT go back to that therapist (at least not without laying down ground rules). There is no way this should have been discussed in front of the kids without being discussed with you alone first. That just sets you up to be the bad guy. Bad therapist! BAD therapist!!!

 

[buddy]

Gosh, that would have made me furious. I'm just really sorry that happened to you. This therapist does not sound like they have a clue.

 

[DammitJanet]

This sounds like bad therapy. She should have talked to you first about what issues were going on so she had a heads up as to what she might hear then she would have been prepared not to allow the kids to snow her. Also you never allow a kid to triangulate a kid against the parent and the therapist. Thats just therapy 101. She could have done reflective listening between the two of you and left with her having felt she was heard on the subject but she shouldnt have forced you to break your rules.

 

[dstc_99]

Yeah I walked away furious. I know this is not a game and I am not supposed to win but yesterday I felt beaten. Not just in a I lost my ability to parent way but in a I lost my hope way. I still pretty much feel that way now.

Both of my daughters love this therapist but to be honest I felt like I was thrown under the bus before the meeting and then thrown back under the bus during the meeting. The first time was when we got to the meeting and the therapist announced they would be going in together. This is something I knew difficult child would refuse so I had kept it from her. I had given the easy child warning though because she handles things better. All of this came about because I contacted the therapist in regards to some issues a few weeks ago and he suggested we do group. He said the girls had both refused it previously but he felt it was best. Anyway when we got to the appointment and the therapist asked them to come up he specifically said it was because I had requested a group appointment. I never requested it I went with his opinion that it was a good idea. He should know by now that anything that is my idea is not going to happen with the difficult child. She even proceeded to leave during the second hour because I wouldn't agree to her demands. But even after that he supported giving her more freedom. WTH I am dealing with a kid who uses anger as a weapon and threatens me with leaving all the time. She shows him that she is more than willing to walk away if I don't just bend to her request and he still thinks the best option is to give in.

Last night after all their big talk at therapy about helping out more and being more supportive I came home to a disaster in the kitchen. I did all my motherly duties and ensured there was a meal served and then went to bed. The kitchen is still a disaster this am and PS I fired the house cleaner last week so this time there is no back up plan for them.

Once again I lose!

 

[DaisyFace]

DSTC--

Big (((Hugs))). I know how you feel....we have had more than our fair share of awful tdocs, too...

(Did I ever tell you about the one who felt she "cured" difficult child of lying? Ugh!)

Now back to your issue...

How is difficult child "leaving" a threat? This is the same tactic a toddler uses (I'm running away!). The idea is that you will be so devastated you will do anything to stop them. Is your world going to end because difficult child leaves? Of course not. And depending upon your state - you can just call 911 and have the police bring her home, anyway.

I don't know whether I have suggested this before - but I think you really need to sit down and decide what is most important to you (Everyone safe, Peaceful home, Bills paid, etc) and decide which of those things are the top priority. If you do this for yourself, it makes it easier to stand your ground when others make suggestions with which you do not agree. When the therapist says difficult child should go to boyfriend's house, for example, you can say "Well, my number one priority is keeping difficult child safe - and boyfriend's house is not a safe environment."

I think you also need to develop a mindset of "These are the rules for THIS house. If you do not like the rules here - you may go find a house that is more to your liking." Many difficult children will promptly take parents up on this...and quickly discover that nobody else is willing to put up with their baloney either....and eventually they come crawling back.

 

[InsaneCdn]

No you don't lose.
If the kitchen is still a mess tonight?
They can survive on PB sandwiches... until THEY hold up their end of the bargain.

 

[TeDo]

Both of my daughters love this therapist but to be honest I felt like I was thrown under the bus before the meeting and then thrown back under the bus during the meeting.

That is probably why they like him/her. They have an "ally against you". They have the therapist snowed so why WOULDN'T they like it. That's another reason to change tdocs. You'll lose with 3 against 1.

 

[dstc_99]

Well I came home last night to an even bigger mess in the kitchen. I didnt say a word just walked it off and decided to take a picture if it wasn't taken care of by bed time. Not long after that difficult child asks if she can have a friend over. I said no. She says why not? I said because the dishes aren't done and your room looks like a bomb went off in it. Once you clean it up she can come over.

An hour later her friend shows up at the door and her chores are still not done. I proceeded to remind her multiple times that unless it was taken care of her friend would have to leave. Of course she was blowing me off about it but after about the third time she got the point I was not going to lose my cool but I wasn't going to let it go either. She did it. Of course her room is full of dirty laundry so that didn't get completely done but it did get started.

I just got done texting her the following:
Do not plan to leave the house today until your chores are done and your room is picked up. I was very dissapointed that I had to ask you to do your chores in the first place. I was more dissapointed when it was not done before your friend came over. If you want me to respect your age and your relationship with the boyfriend then you need to do your chores without me having to complain.

I think that was about a peacefully said as I am capable of for today. Hopefully she will get the point.