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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 254478" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>We had very bad experience with family therapy too, with two exceptions.</p><p> </p><p>Most of the time it's like a negotiation: these are the things difficult child wants, what is it going to take for us to give it to him. And some of the things he wasn't going to get if he was a perfect kid: in our opinion, no 9 year old needs a cell phone. No. Nor is he going to go to expensive camps. No. And he's not going to Orlando with a family we've never met. No. And he's not going to move in with his crazy grandmother who has a tube in her head and cries every day. No. And he doesn't get his own computer, ipod, phone, another bike, a tv in his room, etc...</p><p> </p><p>Family therapy was never about what he could do about his behavior. It was the therapist advocating for him and making us the bad guys because we weren't giving him all sorts of privileges and spending lots of money on him and letting him pretty much dictate dinner selection, bedtimes, budget, time management, family policy. When difficult child is around professionals he gets them to feel sorry for him (co dependency RAGES in the child psychiatric field) and gets them to believe that the only reason he doesn't behave is because he (like all the other kids in the house) doesn't have a tv in his room...if only he had a tv, or got to go to such and such $5K a summer camp, or got horse back riding lessons...well then all the problems would go away.</p><p> </p><p>There have been two exceptions: both the counsellors spent relatively little time with him and a lot of time with us. One was referred to us by the school when we had a suddenly crisis. She talked to him and husband a couple times, then spent the rest of the time on us while he sat in the waiting room. She was EXCELLENT. She had five kids, some hers, some her husbands, some together and a couple adopted. She knew about family blending and her oldest son was as she said a psychopath (he was about 28). She interrupted the cycle of difficult child being able to play husband and me against one another.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, she could only see us shortterm, she was for crisis, and had to refer us to someone else, who didn't do well.</p><p> </p><p>The one we have now also sees us mostly and difficult child once every four months or so, and sees us altogether all three once every four months as well. Mostly, she's helping us to parent a difficult child. And it works. It isn't improving him, but it's improving the lives of everyone else around him. There's more balance in the family, the other kids aren't being neglected or swept into the chaos that difficult child creates, and most importantly, difficult child cannot play any of us off against any of the others of us, which he was a master at up until even last July.</p><p> </p><p>So it may be worth considering a family counsellor who works more with the parents than the difficult child; it seems counter intuitive, but it's worked for us.</p><p> </p><p>Just an idea.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 254478, member: 5169"] We had very bad experience with family therapy too, with two exceptions. Most of the time it's like a negotiation: these are the things difficult child wants, what is it going to take for us to give it to him. And some of the things he wasn't going to get if he was a perfect kid: in our opinion, no 9 year old needs a cell phone. No. Nor is he going to go to expensive camps. No. And he's not going to Orlando with a family we've never met. No. And he's not going to move in with his crazy grandmother who has a tube in her head and cries every day. No. And he doesn't get his own computer, ipod, phone, another bike, a tv in his room, etc... Family therapy was never about what he could do about his behavior. It was the therapist advocating for him and making us the bad guys because we weren't giving him all sorts of privileges and spending lots of money on him and letting him pretty much dictate dinner selection, bedtimes, budget, time management, family policy. When difficult child is around professionals he gets them to feel sorry for him (co dependency RAGES in the child psychiatric field) and gets them to believe that the only reason he doesn't behave is because he (like all the other kids in the house) doesn't have a tv in his room...if only he had a tv, or got to go to such and such $5K a summer camp, or got horse back riding lessons...well then all the problems would go away. There have been two exceptions: both the counsellors spent relatively little time with him and a lot of time with us. One was referred to us by the school when we had a suddenly crisis. She talked to him and husband a couple times, then spent the rest of the time on us while he sat in the waiting room. She was EXCELLENT. She had five kids, some hers, some her husbands, some together and a couple adopted. She knew about family blending and her oldest son was as she said a psychopath (he was about 28). She interrupted the cycle of difficult child being able to play husband and me against one another. Unfortunately, she could only see us shortterm, she was for crisis, and had to refer us to someone else, who didn't do well. The one we have now also sees us mostly and difficult child once every four months or so, and sees us altogether all three once every four months as well. Mostly, she's helping us to parent a difficult child. And it works. It isn't improving him, but it's improving the lives of everyone else around him. There's more balance in the family, the other kids aren't being neglected or swept into the chaos that difficult child creates, and most importantly, difficult child cannot play any of us off against any of the others of us, which he was a master at up until even last July. So it may be worth considering a family counsellor who works more with the parents than the difficult child; it seems counter intuitive, but it's worked for us. Just an idea. [/QUOTE]
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