father in law passed away - UPDATE

[Big Bad Kitty]

I just got off the phone with my 3rd and final stepson. He sounds like a man. When did this happen?

I can't tell if my tears are for the my father in law passing, the fact that he suffered as long as he did before he did pass, or the fact that I miss those boys SO MUCH that I can hardly stand it. I mean heck, I divorced their father, not them.

When I first started dating Matt, his middle son was just 2. He heard Matt call me "babe" and "baby", so he thought my name was "Baby". He started calling me that, and it was so cute, we went with it.

This son is now 13. The other boys are 11 & 14. All 3 boys still call me Baby.

:crying:

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{BBK a/k/a Baby}}} I'm sorry for your losses...the older we get the more there seem to be. :angel:

I pray that you and Tink can find a little peace this week. She'll be okay, you're doing good with her and her Papa's death.

:thumb: I think communicating through MySpace with your ex-ds's will be a nice thing.

Hugs~

 

[susiestar]

BBK, I am so sorry I missed this. I hope you can find some peace, and am very sorry for your loss.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[lovemysons]

Hugs and care for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

lovemysons

 

[nvts]

BBK I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it really throws you when you have to explain death to a 5 or 6 year old!

If she gets it, fine! If she doesn't, don't worry about it!

Wish I could do something to help!!!

Beth

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Tink is handling it very well, maybe too well. She was worried that she would not be able to go to the wake or the funeral.

And that was a story in itself. Here Matt has THREE exes to decide if to invite, and we all naturally want to pay our respects, but as I told him (and I am sure the other 2 feel the same) it is more important to me that he is comfortable, his mom is comfortable, and let's be honest, I don't want to be uncomfortable either.

So I will be bringing Tink to the late half of the wake, and he will take her home with him, and then he will take her to the funeral without me.

Back to Tink, she's like "Oh yay, I get to go to the wake, I get to see Papa!" I explained to her that he will be, ya know, dead, and she said "I know, I just want to see him". It almost sounds like she thinks it will be cool to see a body. She also thinks it will be "awesome" to go to the cemetary.

This would be way harder for her if she were close to Papa. If it were my dad, she'd be a basket case.

Speaking of basket cases, can anyone guess how much I wish I did not have to see his family? I am trying not to go into a panic over this.

 

[Ephchap]

Oh gosh, Kitty, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for Tink losing her grandpa.

It sounds like you're handling the whole situation very well - paying your respects, but letting Tink stay.

As for having to see his family ... hopefully things will go well.

Hugs to you and Tink,
Deb

 

[busywend]

BBK, so sorry for your loss.

Sounds like Tink is understanding to an extent - but I would try to describe today a bit more. She may get death, but a wake and funeral are pretty scary.

I am sure Tink will follow everyone else's lead when it comes to the appropriate voice level and sadness. It sort of becomes natural I think. But, I think a basic understanding of what will go on would be helpful.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

She had some free time this morning before school, so she sat down at her desk to do "art".

Her dad had given her a small piece of wood to make crafts with, shaped coincidentally like a tombstone. I think it was to paint to look like the door of a mailbox or something.

Anyways, she drew angels and hearts on it, and wrote "I love you Grape (that is how she spelled Grandpa) and came out and asked if that could be his stone at the cemetary.

She said it was for Papa to take with him to see "Jejus".

 

[Star*]

I think how children view death is just refreshing -

Glad you and Tink are doing well.

-And can I guess how much you didn't want to see them?

(................more than this..........................)

yea something like that.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Star,

Envision the size of my huge behind.

More than THAT, I don't want to see them.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I just did something that I'm pretty ashamed of.

OK, so I have another pulmonary function test tomorrow. Because of that, I had to stay off my inhalers today. Combine that with the slightly warmer and more humid weather, and I can hardly breathe today.

Tomorrow after my testing, I can get back on the inhalers.

I don't know how soon I will feel better. I used how I am feeling now as an excuse to bow out of the wake tomorrow evening because I am just that uncomfortable going. Tink will still go with her dad, I just won't be there.

I am literally petrified at the thought of showing up there.

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{Hugs}}} BBK.
You need to cut yourself some slack.

There's a lot going on for you emotionally...dealing with your own grief at the loss of your father in law, helping Tink to understand and deal with her feelings, your understandable sensitivity about your ex's very complex family situation...the possibility of having to deal with princess sparklepants, etc...and missing your step-boys.

That's a heavy load to carry...and add breathing distress on top of that. Not a good time.

Take care of you.

Trinity

 

[mrscatinthehat]

When my 2nd dexs mom passed away I couldn't manage to be there either. Don't feel bad.

beth

 

[flutterbee]

BBK -

Funerals are for the living. If you're uncomfortable going, you don't need an excuse not to go. You're not doing much of honoring the memory of the deceased if you're miserable while you're there. And it certainly wouldn't be the right forum for you to grieve.

I'm estranged to most of my family. I hadn't talked to my grandfather for several years before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I made my peace with him before he passed (which consisted of him instructing me on the proper way to fertilize my yard...if he gives you advice, you're in his good graces) and had no desire to further compound my grief by dealing with my psycho family.


(((hugs)))

 

[witzend]

That's so sweet of her! I know this is a confusing time for all of you. I'm glad that she is able to express her love for her grandpa.

 

[susiestar]

Hey, BBK, it sounds very much like you took the right course of action. I think not putting yourself into a situation where someone might need to call the ambulance during a funeral is just in good taste. And you can ALWAYS repeat that.

I also understand that it is soo very very hard to face all of your losses in one room. And that is very much what would happen.

I skipped my grandfather's funeral. It created almost 15 years of anger in my brother, but that was HIS problem. It was the way I could best respect our grandfather, by doing what he ASKED of me. It meant I grieved alone, not with my mom and the relatives. I was halfway across the country with my dad. We could not all afford to go. And bro would not stay with the adults my parents chose for us to stay with.

So what you did, was totally the RIGHT thing. You will grieve the way that is best for YOU. Wakes and funerals are for the living who can handle them.

Hugs to you and Tink. Hope things will be easier for a while now.

Susie

 

[ck1]

BBK: You did the right thing for you and that can't be wrong.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thanks girls. I really was feeling guilty.

As it turned out, I had to reschedule my breathing test. Get this.

It's been SO warm the last couple days, that when I got up today, I was literally gasping for air. I knew that if I went to take the test, they would send me home, so I took my inhalers. Ahh, I can breathe now.

My father went to Tink's school for a "bring your parent to school day" and left with her at 11:30. He brought her to Matt's right afterwards, just in time for him to leave to go to the wake. She will be with him all day today and tomorrow. At least her same-age girl cousin from PA will be in town.

Surprisingly, Matt was very understanding about my health situation.

 

[everywoman]

Getting in on this late. Sorry that you've experienced the loss, but you've got to take care of YOU first. Sometimes us warrior moms forget that.