FB Message from my Brother

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by dstc_99, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I got a message from my brother about my mom today. Here is how it goes:

    Brother: Your mother is really missing you. I know you guys have a tough relationship but I would hate to see you lose too much time. You should call her.

    Me: I will

    Brother: Good. you can keep it simple so nobody gets a chance to step on toes. Love you.

    Me: Love you too. It's not the stepping on toes that gets to me it's the depressing poor pitiful me stuff and the guilt trips. Plus after what happened with difficult child it is very hard for me to trust them. I love them but I don't appreciate what happened at all.

    Brother: I understand and nobody's perfect but all flaws aside they love you. They love their grand daughters as well and I am sure you were all put in a bit of an impossible situation.

    Me: I know. I will call her tonight or tomorrow.

    So now I am mad. I can't explain the situation with my mom and dad to my brother. He just won't get it and it isn't just because he is a man it is because he hasn't lived the experience. He is not a parent. As soon as he graduated high school he moved out and never moved back. He didn't take care of mom for years while she was a mental mess and he probably doesn't know a 1/4th of what has gone on. He has lived far enough away for all this time that he rarely even visits.

    Plus, even though it hurts me greatly to not be a part of my family my brother has never been interested in my mother and I's issues. For years when I would try to talk to him about it his comment was either no comment or I don't want to be in the middle of this. I long ago decided not to waste my time talking to him about it. He didn't want to know and even when he did listen he didn't understand or felt it was my job to ignore it and move on.

    My biggest issue is that my mom and dad are the type to just hide the anger. I'm tired of that. They hurt me and I am tired of pretending they didn't.

    My brother is finally getting married and I am the odd man out. I didn't even find out until it got posted on FB. I don't know when I would have found out about the wedding if I hadn't called. He is getting married in Cancun and we are killing ourselves to get the money together for it. However when we get there it will be misery for me because my parents will either decide to put on the happy face and hide it orrrrrrrrrrr my mother will get drunk and weepy. I will spend the whole time on egg shells waiting for the drama to start. easy child will spend the time in misery because my mom rides her about her weight. difficult child will be in heaven because they are her people and they give her anything she wants. I DO NOT WANT TO RUIN HIS WEDDING!! He isn't a bad person he just doesn't get it and I don't blame him because he has no reason to understand it.

    Then in the back of my mind I am also wondering if my mom put him up to trying to draw me into talks. He has that ability to easily detach though and that makes me think he wouldn't put up with her pulling anything on him. He's good at just telling her that he doesn't want to listen to it. Of course he is also good at telling me that.
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  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Forgive him...he doesn't know what he doesn't know. Assume the worst, your mother will get drunk and weepy. You will ignore that totally, you will ignore anything she says or does and enjoy the day with your husband. Tell your easy child to IGNORE your mom, she loves to make people feel bad and none of you will have that. Prepare her for that. Enjoy the wedding and don't be drawn it to that nonsense. Your mother LOVES that, it is fun for her, she's crazy. Be happy for your brother. He can easily detach and you should too. Ignore all and have fun! Let difficult child have her fun too, whatever that may be.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    For me, when I have been hurt by a family member I forgive them. That of course does not always happen right away, but as the years have gone on it does come easier. The main reason I forgive them is because it frees me from holding onto pain and anger. Of course just because you have forgiven them does not mean you forget. Once the trust has been broken it will never be the same. Even if it's earned back, in the back of your mind it's there. Given enough time with no further incidents it can grow stronger.

    Try and not hold onto the anger because it only hurts you.

    Even if you could get your brother to understand it still would not change anything. When talking with your mom, put on your Teflon, don't let any negative thing she says about you or easy child stick to you.

    As for the wedding in Cancun, go and enjoy, just remember to pack the Teflon :p
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I can totally understand. It's unfair to you that he got to dodge all the stress so very easily and you could not. I can understand how that would peeve you or anybody. Some people line their life up that way. I know a couple of guys like that in real life and some of them wanted to date me and I said no way. No matter how much they tried to butter me up, I could see that they live the bachelor life style and would have no interest for anything longer than a year. Soon as the responsibilities would hit them, they'd be gone hiding behind some lame excuse. I could read them from a mile away. It must be nice to go through life with minimal worries and responsibilities.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just sending some supportive hugs your way.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. Just having to filter everything through that lens of a manipulative parent takes SO much energy. And the ones on the fringe that are being used by that parent, don't have a clue.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You know I've had family issues. Why not put any decision your make on hold? Think about it. If you are in therapy, talk about it to therapist. Family issues are very hurtful so I suggest a therapist even if you don't have one.

    You do not have to do anything today, tomorrow,or next week. And, as you said, your brother isn't even involved in this and your mom may have put him up to it.

    I have chosen a no contact route for my family if they refuse to accept any wrongful doing against me, as I have acknowledged to them. This way, with me admitting what I have done wrong, and them not, it seems as if I am the total bad guy, and I just grew tired of it. Of course, my DNA collection is a total collection of inmates from the asylum...lol...and I was too until I got help. You certainly don't have to even consider no contact...but you can wait and think and then make a decision from your head, not your emotions. in my opinion it is best to think these family issues over before acting as our decisions tend to take flight.

    I care about you, my wise friend. I do not want anyone to hurt you. Be smart and caring of yourself first. There is time.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Pardon me for not 'getting it', but if your parents want to hear from you so bad, why don't they pick up the phone and call you rather than have your brother send a message via facebook? Don't phones work 2 ways? Letters, email and facebook work 2 ways also, so why the guilt trip via your brother?

    This makes no sense to me. When my bro tries this stuff, I usually ask him questions like this. Same thing when my mom used to try to guilt me for not calling her best friend. If her best friend EVER returned one of my calls or made a call to me, I would happily talk to her. I am not angry with her. I just have zero interest in relationships where I have to chase the other party to have a relationship with them. My family has a hard time with this, but after showing my mother a full year of phone bills with zero calls incoming from her bff, she finally shut up about how I needed to call the woman. I would not even have thought about it or brought it up but for the attempted guilt trip from my mom for not calling.

    Family is strange.
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys! I have tried to forgive and to be honest I think I have forgiven them for the most part. I just can't forget the pain.

    As for my brothers wedding I will be there and do my part. I'm not the one who makes the scenes I just wind up being the one who says enough and walks away. Everyone else thinks I should just let it continue and smile trough it. Respect thy parents and don't make waves.

    I did wind up speaking to them today. They called me. My dad did most of the talking. I will try and check in with them Sunday but during that checkin I will be making some things clear. Defining what I will and will not allow.