feel alone and at the end of my rope

[Nicole_M]

I have three children, two of which have problems. My 6yo daughter has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, sensory processing disorder and seizures. My 11 yo son was just diagnosed this last Friday as being BiPolar (BP) and ADHD. Between dealing with my daughters meltdowns and seizures and then dealing with my son's rages and depression I am completely frazzled. I dont feel like I can be the mother I need to be because I feel so out of control. I just feel completely and totally alone. I wish I could better put into words what I am feeling right now but it just such chaos that I cant express it.

 

[slsh]

Hi Nicole, and welcome! You've found a great group of people who can lend support, advice, ideas, and, most importantly, a shoulder.

I really wish I could give you the secret to feeling like you're a good mom when you're dealing with- 2 kiddos with- special needs, as well as kids with- more typical needs. I think what it finally boiled down to for me was still being able to get up and do it again after having one of those really rough days. In hindsight, it seems like there was at least a decade where all I did was put out fires. It sure wasn't what I thought motherhood would be - we spent way too much time in hospitals/ERs/doctor offices and not enough time making cookies and playing games, but we do what we have to do.

I think one of the most important things you can do for your kids is take care of you. It was the advice I got when I first came to this board over 11 years ago. Can't say I immediately followed it, but over the years I've realized that if I don't give myself a little TLC every now and then, I'm absolutely useless to my kids. Doesn't have to be big stuff - sometimes all I need is an hour at the mall window shopping, or hanging out at a bookstore with a cup of coffee and a new book, or even just getting out and taking a walk. Taking time to soothe those frazzled edges is so very worth it. I know it's hard to do when you are living from crisis to crisis, and it seems like an impossible task to chisel out an hour just for you, but once you get in the habit, it will really do wonders.

What kind of supports do you have for you? A partner? Family? Friends? Job? Do you have supports for your kiddos - respite, babysitting?

Again, welcome and I'm so glad you found us.

 

[Nicole_M]

Thanks so much for the response. It helps just to hear about someone dealing with something similar in the past and getting through it.

I do not work. I homeschool my children because my son had so many problems in school both with teachers and the classroom setting in general. My husband is a wonderful support but he works a lot so that we can afford for me to be able to stay home. Other than that I have my mom. She babysits anytime she can but it is hard for her to take all three at one time.

 

[gcvmom]

Welcome to the board, Nicole.

In the early days of a diagnosis, life can seem even MORE overwhelming than it was before when you were just dealing with abnormal behaviors that you maybe thought was partly your own doing (I think ALL of us felt that at one point or another in the early days of our parenting journey), or something your child would outgrow, or some other explanation that probably tried to minimize and normalize what you were experiencing. When we finally find out that yes, in fact, our child is different and that there is a name for it, we start the grieving process because now the reality of the situation hits us squarely in the gut and we must now abandon the preconceived future we had all planned out for our kid.

Unless our friends or extended familiy have a child like ours, it is very hard for them to relate, much less sympathize with our situation. That leads to further alienation.

SLSH gives good advice to you. You have to nurture yourself or you will crash and burn out quickly -- and your kids need you to be up for the challenge as their parent and their advocate. They can't get through this challenging childhood on their own.

Seeking out support groups like this one, or a face-to-face group, or even private counseling for yourself is a MUST. You also need to read, read, read and educate yourself on all the aspects of your child's situation: medications, therapies, educational and social supports, the whole ball of wax. Ask questions: of teachers, doctors, therapists, others who have been-there-done-that, and if you aren't satisfied with the answers, go to someone else and keep asking until you understand.

Eventually you will feel that you have some control over the situation, some understanding, and you will have a good idea of what is possible for your child and what to expect. It may not be what you originally envisioned the day you brought that baby home, but it will be a path that you can help them travel in the best way possible.

If you haven't checked them out already these are some good websites for additional information and local chapter support:
http://www.thebalancedmind.org/
http://www.CHADD.org
http://www.NAMI.org