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<blockquote data-quote="Ropefree" data-source="post: 238617" data-attributes="member: 6271"><p>KJS; I hear you. I am not the type who wants to be the leader. I am not the type who wants to be the displinarian. I am not the type who wants to lord over other people. However like all those who came befor me I took on the job of reproduction and now I, like you, are in charge of raising from childhood into maturity and that involves leadership, disipline,strict supervision, and as a matter of fact it is a big job.</p><p>The fuss you recieved when you laid down the rules is reactive emotion. The objection that your son offered "why do things have to change?" sadly laments the </p><p>reguers of growing up. Disrespect will cost an adult important relationships and potentially ruin their life. As a parent we do not tolerate disrespectful language and behavior as our job is to teach our young how to go through life respectful of themselves and others in all situations. Why? Because it ruins our life right now!</p><p>In fact it ruins his life and he is just feeling that effect.</p><p>All living situations have rules. Chores are essentially each persons obligation to themselves and those with whom they live. In your house you are teaching all your children how to organise for health and to create a pleasant environment. That way when they leave your tutalage they are armed to live in this world with the diseases and pests that are more than happy to take over with the smallest chinck in the hygiene of people. Ants,cockroaches,rodents and germs to name a few.</p><p>Phone ediquete is not a small issue. #1)hang up on your mother and you loose the use of the cell phone and that means loosing any hope of going anywhere besides school and home. Plus not having a cell phone does not obsolve a child/teen from calliin home either. It futhers the habits of ediquette by requiring a child/teen to use other phones which includes asking for the use of a phone and if the child/teen fails to ask in a respectful manner they will suffer those consequences 'out in the field of life'. #2) a possitive phone manner will one day earn you money. Any contact you have on the phone with a potential employer will ether affirm your value to them, or it will jepordize your employment with them. #3) friendships and dating center on the phone and the one time it really will matter having that possitive phone manner habit will make or break the oppertunity.</p><p>Having limits and respecting limits is a life skill. It is imcumbant on parents to acclimate our youth to self regulation.</p><p>The falicy of the arguement that the parent started 'the fight'. Failure to abid by the rules is the problem. 'The fight' stops when the rules and relationships are respected.</p><p>Learning to neigotiate with others is the central lesson of adulthood. When our youth are acting out as teens we are watching them regress to the childish meathods that they had plyed successfully in the past if not to get what they wanted then to act out thier distress using behavior and not the language that they struggle to wield appropriately when upset. As parents of teens we have a bit of work to help our youths to forge the conversations and to participate meaningfully and to THINK AHEAD.</p><p>This change in the relationship is about status. As a parent you are establishing the boundaries that distinquish your expectations and those are not, as a matter of fact neigotiable. Just like in relationships that our youths will incounter outside the home family where there are non-negotiable boundaries others AND THEY THEMSELVES will hold. That is the 'new' job for you.</p><p>When I explain it for my son I start with me and then I describe how these rules play through life.</p><p>I teach you to stay home and focus on your business your respocibilities and when you leave my home there will be times when you will do this yourself. When you are in college, or working sometimes you will stay home to clean your toilet, wash your dishes, vacuum and take a time out,or do your work studying or filling out a job application or resume. Here it means you are grounded. Later it is just one useful way of spending time in your life as an adult.</p><p>ect..</p><p>I get how I think you are feeling about it is no use and you feel defeated. And the energy to turn this around will arise out of reviewing how what had been going on</p><p>"isn't working"...not for YOU and not for the other members in your family.</p><p>Once you have it clear in your mind what works for you and you have it clear in your mind what is not YOUR problem...then your teen and what are his will also not be out of pocket expenditures for you he did not earn as a priviledge, and he will be at home and under control and not elsewhere giving mommy stress and potentially liability issues.</p><p>you can get this relation 'ship' turned around and all the riders pulling their weight on board. Setting down rules in writting was thoughtfull. the conselor who talked to me pointed out that for me to write down the rules was to much work. Stop working so hard. Let the teen do it. He is the one who needs to show you what the rules are and then he is the one who has to do the jobs without you asking him even once and then he is the one who has to stay respectfull or he is grounded, not priviledges and no say in the house. In fact the quality of the food i provide my kid is at jeapardy, as are his access to any 'things' that he does not put away.</p><p>and ah,no his room is not off limits to me. He lives in my house. While he does he repects my rules and my authority. And it is a good idea to pick up what those are and to ask first because it is likely going to be a very long time befor he is able to </p><p>live in his own place and have whatever rules he choses at that time. After me there will be roommates, and landlords and all of them are not going to be related and give a wit if he does or does not live in that location.</p><p>Good luck. you can do this. yes yes you can.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ropefree, post: 238617, member: 6271"] KJS; I hear you. I am not the type who wants to be the leader. I am not the type who wants to be the displinarian. I am not the type who wants to lord over other people. However like all those who came befor me I took on the job of reproduction and now I, like you, are in charge of raising from childhood into maturity and that involves leadership, disipline,strict supervision, and as a matter of fact it is a big job. The fuss you recieved when you laid down the rules is reactive emotion. The objection that your son offered "why do things have to change?" sadly laments the reguers of growing up. Disrespect will cost an adult important relationships and potentially ruin their life. As a parent we do not tolerate disrespectful language and behavior as our job is to teach our young how to go through life respectful of themselves and others in all situations. Why? Because it ruins our life right now! In fact it ruins his life and he is just feeling that effect. All living situations have rules. Chores are essentially each persons obligation to themselves and those with whom they live. In your house you are teaching all your children how to organise for health and to create a pleasant environment. That way when they leave your tutalage they are armed to live in this world with the diseases and pests that are more than happy to take over with the smallest chinck in the hygiene of people. Ants,cockroaches,rodents and germs to name a few. Phone ediquete is not a small issue. #1)hang up on your mother and you loose the use of the cell phone and that means loosing any hope of going anywhere besides school and home. Plus not having a cell phone does not obsolve a child/teen from calliin home either. It futhers the habits of ediquette by requiring a child/teen to use other phones which includes asking for the use of a phone and if the child/teen fails to ask in a respectful manner they will suffer those consequences 'out in the field of life'. #2) a possitive phone manner will one day earn you money. Any contact you have on the phone with a potential employer will ether affirm your value to them, or it will jepordize your employment with them. #3) friendships and dating center on the phone and the one time it really will matter having that possitive phone manner habit will make or break the oppertunity. Having limits and respecting limits is a life skill. It is imcumbant on parents to acclimate our youth to self regulation. The falicy of the arguement that the parent started 'the fight'. Failure to abid by the rules is the problem. 'The fight' stops when the rules and relationships are respected. Learning to neigotiate with others is the central lesson of adulthood. When our youth are acting out as teens we are watching them regress to the childish meathods that they had plyed successfully in the past if not to get what they wanted then to act out thier distress using behavior and not the language that they struggle to wield appropriately when upset. As parents of teens we have a bit of work to help our youths to forge the conversations and to participate meaningfully and to THINK AHEAD. This change in the relationship is about status. As a parent you are establishing the boundaries that distinquish your expectations and those are not, as a matter of fact neigotiable. Just like in relationships that our youths will incounter outside the home family where there are non-negotiable boundaries others AND THEY THEMSELVES will hold. That is the 'new' job for you. When I explain it for my son I start with me and then I describe how these rules play through life. I teach you to stay home and focus on your business your respocibilities and when you leave my home there will be times when you will do this yourself. When you are in college, or working sometimes you will stay home to clean your toilet, wash your dishes, vacuum and take a time out,or do your work studying or filling out a job application or resume. Here it means you are grounded. Later it is just one useful way of spending time in your life as an adult. ect.. I get how I think you are feeling about it is no use and you feel defeated. And the energy to turn this around will arise out of reviewing how what had been going on "isn't working"...not for YOU and not for the other members in your family. Once you have it clear in your mind what works for you and you have it clear in your mind what is not YOUR problem...then your teen and what are his will also not be out of pocket expenditures for you he did not earn as a priviledge, and he will be at home and under control and not elsewhere giving mommy stress and potentially liability issues. you can get this relation 'ship' turned around and all the riders pulling their weight on board. Setting down rules in writting was thoughtfull. the conselor who talked to me pointed out that for me to write down the rules was to much work. Stop working so hard. Let the teen do it. He is the one who needs to show you what the rules are and then he is the one who has to do the jobs without you asking him even once and then he is the one who has to stay respectfull or he is grounded, not priviledges and no say in the house. In fact the quality of the food i provide my kid is at jeapardy, as are his access to any 'things' that he does not put away. and ah,no his room is not off limits to me. He lives in my house. While he does he repects my rules and my authority. And it is a good idea to pick up what those are and to ask first because it is likely going to be a very long time befor he is able to live in his own place and have whatever rules he choses at that time. After me there will be roommates, and landlords and all of them are not going to be related and give a wit if he does or does not live in that location. Good luck. you can do this. yes yes you can. [/QUOTE]
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