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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 239404" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Kathy,</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">My nephew, who is now 27, has been in counseling off and on for a couple of years. He most recently admitted that he was addicted to barbituates and pain killers for the past 8 months. The way you describe your son reminds me very much of my nephew when he was in his teens. He was/is also a difficult child. My nephew can now FINALLY admit that he got too much freedom growing up, that his parents were never a united front and he used that to manipulate them any which way he could. He can now FINALLY admit that he played them all along .... IOW, he can finally admit his role in and in between their relationship, and how he can now finally take responsibility for his own actions. Granted, he's not out of the water yet, but he's working on it and that is what counts. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">For the longest time, he harbored such strong resentments towards my sister and now he's finally working through that with his counselor and can see his father's role in the way in which things went down and how they were often very skewed in their parenting and never really on the same page....thus, leaving my nephew very confused and left to do what any normal teenager would do - manipulate and conquer!</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">And I worry about my difficult child, 19dd. She has such resentments and anger and sometimes apparent hatred for my H, her step dad. He has been a wonderful dad to her, he's filled in so many of the gaps left by her bio dad. He took on the role of parent and father since before we were married. When she was real little, she was in love with him, trusted him and allowed him into her heart. But when things started going south and as she moved into her middle teen years, all of that changed. Because H puts his foot down and tells her like it is, because he consistently tries to hold her responsible and accountable to him, us and the family, her hackles go up everytime he opens his mouth. Except for when she wants something, she basically is just mean to him, ignores him or, when she decides to answer his questions, she's very snotty about it, rude even. My biggest fear was that she would never remember how much of a positive role he played in her upbringing and that they would never have the close loving relationship I had hoped for. And I've had to accept that there is nothing I can do about it. H is heartbroken, but because she manages to anger him all the time, he can detach from those feelings. I know that he too mourns the loss of their closeness (it was right around 15). Our last counselor told us that perhaps one day she will be able to see him with new eyes and realize that he was the parent she never thought she had. It will probably take a few years, perhaps even a lifetime or until her own kids are teens, but that in the meantime, we had to just "keep on keeping on" (yes, her words!). We had to keep doing what we were doing, detach if we had to (which is never easy), but love her from an arm's length. Without allowing her to be rude and disrespectful, we were not to try and change her mind about us - she had to come to that on her own. Well, she's 19 and I have to say, I am still disheartened by her attitude towards H, easy child, me and the town we live in (she hates it). I have to remind myself that I made the right choices and did the best I could, loved her enough, and then let it go. It's not easy, Kathy. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I know it seems like it will take forever for your son to 'get it' and understand things...but what if you do nothing to change things and he has to wait until he is in his 30's to finally try and find out why he is the way he is? In the meantime, you will have a skewed relationship with him anyway. There is no telling for certain how he will turn out or if it will all go badly or better. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">All you do know right now is how you feel and how you want to feel. And the hard part is working to get where you want to be. Sending you lots of strength and warrior mom and power! Just thought I'd share part of my personal experience to help you feel less alone in this struggle with your son and H.</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 239404, member: 2211"] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Kathy,[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]My nephew, who is now 27, has been in counseling off and on for a couple of years. He most recently admitted that he was addicted to barbituates and pain killers for the past 8 months. The way you describe your son reminds me very much of my nephew when he was in his teens. He was/is also a difficult child. My nephew can now FINALLY admit that he got too much freedom growing up, that his parents were never a united front and he used that to manipulate them any which way he could. He can now FINALLY admit that he played them all along .... IOW, he can finally admit his role in and in between their relationship, and how he can now finally take responsibility for his own actions. Granted, he's not out of the water yet, but he's working on it and that is what counts. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]For the longest time, he harbored such strong resentments towards my sister and now he's finally working through that with his counselor and can see his father's role in the way in which things went down and how they were often very skewed in their parenting and never really on the same page....thus, leaving my nephew very confused and left to do what any normal teenager would do - manipulate and conquer![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]And I worry about my difficult child, 19dd. She has such resentments and anger and sometimes apparent hatred for my H, her step dad. He has been a wonderful dad to her, he's filled in so many of the gaps left by her bio dad. He took on the role of parent and father since before we were married. When she was real little, she was in love with him, trusted him and allowed him into her heart. But when things started going south and as she moved into her middle teen years, all of that changed. Because H puts his foot down and tells her like it is, because he consistently tries to hold her responsible and accountable to him, us and the family, her hackles go up everytime he opens his mouth. Except for when she wants something, she basically is just mean to him, ignores him or, when she decides to answer his questions, she's very snotty about it, rude even. My biggest fear was that she would never remember how much of a positive role he played in her upbringing and that they would never have the close loving relationship I had hoped for. And I've had to accept that there is nothing I can do about it. H is heartbroken, but because she manages to anger him all the time, he can detach from those feelings. I know that he too mourns the loss of their closeness (it was right around 15). Our last counselor told us that perhaps one day she will be able to see him with new eyes and realize that he was the parent she never thought she had. It will probably take a few years, perhaps even a lifetime or until her own kids are teens, but that in the meantime, we had to just "keep on keeping on" (yes, her words!). We had to keep doing what we were doing, detach if we had to (which is never easy), but love her from an arm's length. Without allowing her to be rude and disrespectful, we were not to try and change her mind about us - she had to come to that on her own. Well, she's 19 and I have to say, I am still disheartened by her attitude towards H, easy child, me and the town we live in (she hates it). I have to remind myself that I made the right choices and did the best I could, loved her enough, and then let it go. It's not easy, Kathy. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I know it seems like it will take forever for your son to 'get it' and understand things...but what if you do nothing to change things and he has to wait until he is in his 30's to finally try and find out why he is the way he is? In the meantime, you will have a skewed relationship with him anyway. There is no telling for certain how he will turn out or if it will all go badly or better. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]All you do know right now is how you feel and how you want to feel. And the hard part is working to get where you want to be. Sending you lots of strength and warrior mom and power! Just thought I'd share part of my personal experience to help you feel less alone in this struggle with your son and H.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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