Feel Guilty for kicking out 22 y/o Son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by luvmyfab4, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. luvmyfab4

    luvmyfab4 New Member

    I am a mother of 4 children, ages 20, 22, 24 and 26. My only son is the 22 y/o. I have been married twice, 13 years to my children's father who abandon them after our divorce 14 years ago. I remarried two laters and that marriage dissolved after10 years from his cheating/lying, but he is the only Dad my children have had.

    My son started drinking around 17. He goes to college full time and will be graduating next month as a Criminal Justice Major and also works. He lives at home with myself and two of my daughters. I have never had any issues with my girls, they always do the right thing and have great morals and make good choices for their lives. Through the years and the second divorce my sons drinking has gotten worse. Everytime he goes out I brace myself for what will be walking in the door. At 19 he was almost arrested for a DUI but wasn't quiet the alcohol limit so he wasn't arrested but because he was underage, he still had to go through programs, license suspended etc. I have endured him coming home drunk, crying, yelling, throwing things, falling, punching himself, running outside where I have to chase him and bring him back in. He has called me crying at times to come pick him up and sometimes he doesn't even know where he is. I am a petite 5'3 and my son is 6'0 190lb and I often have to help him walk which is very difficult. This past month has gotten worse. Friends have been bringing him home drunk where they have to hold him up and carry him in. He has been seeing an 18 y/o neighborhood girl which I knew from the beginning it would be bad news. Since seeing her things have escalated. They both have come home drunk, her parents hit her and made her go to her grandmothers for a week. Everytime her and her parents fight, the girlfriend calls my son and gets him fired up about her parents. The father has gotten in my sons face plenty of times and I fear that it will escalate to physical violence. Then my son had me pick him up a month ago and I could tell he was really drunk, he was at a 7-11 and his friends had just left him at a bar without a ride. So when I brought him home he started crying and throwing things saying his girlfriend was pregnant and she didn't want to keep it. He kept crying saying she was going to kill his baby. I felt like someone ripped my heart out. She eventually terminated the pregnancy and her mother found out and all hell broke out loose again.

    Which brings us to this past Wednesday night. My son went to the movies with his girlfriend. It's like he has to even get drunk/drink to do anything, even going to the movies. I have found large empty hard liquor bottles in his room so he secretly drinks before going out. He came home and I could see he was intoxicated. I told him to go to bed because he always does this and his sisters and I don't get our rest for work etc. He went in the room and then I heard his voice get really loud on the phone and then next thing I knew I heard the front door open and close. I immediately jumped up and went outside. Apparently the girlfriend's parents hit her again and she called the police on her parents. When I went out there my son was arguing with the cop and calling him a dick and saying how his girlfriend's parents hit her all the time. The cop yelled at my son to get back on our side of the street. I was pleading with my son to go in the house. I told him that is a personal family matter between her and her parents and he doesn't need to get involved. My daughters came out and tried to help me get him in the house Two more cop cars pulled up and I was terrified that my son was going to get arrested. All I could think was how he is throwing his life and future away with his drinking and this girl. He wouldn't go in and was continually shouting things at the cops. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack on the spot due to the fear as a parent I was feeling for my child.

    We finally got him to go into the house. But once in there he went into an insane rage. He went around punching every wall in the house and made several holes with his fist. He threw over furniture, was breaking things. I have never been so afraid in my life for the safety of my family and myself. He was someone I didn't even know. He called us all every vulgar name in the book, put all of us down. Told me he hated me the most, that I didn't know how to pick good men to be fathers to them. He then ran upstairs and I heard my daughters scream and I thought he was hurting them, I was so terrified I don't know why I said this but I said "if you lay a hand on your sisters, I will kill you." So then he said "oh yeah B word let me see you try." And he ran down the stairs charging at me and my daughters were screaming and trying to stop him. This continued on for what seemed enternity. We finally got him to go to bed. My daughters and I couldn't sleep all night and when we would doze off, we would have nightmares.

    The next day he kept sending us all texts telling us how sorry he was, that he was disgusted with himself and he knows he doesn't deserve our forgiveness but that he loves all of us. He then sent me a text that said "Mommy, I will never forget your face last night, I feel like a monster." None of us answered his texts. My daughters and my sister (who is going to school for drug and alcohol counseling -she is a former alcoholic) all said it is time to make him leave. They said it should have been done a long time ago but I just couldn't do it. Last night he was playing baseball with his friends and I told him he needed to come home. He said "I have plans with my friends" I said "no you can come home first." So when he came in of course I immediately started crying. I continued to tell him that he has crossed the line by how he terroized his family and we fear for our safety. He said "you all should know I would never lay a hand on you." And I said "I use to think that, but not anymore." I told him to give me the house key, to get some belongings and make arrangements with me to come get more stuff later, that he had to leave right then, no more chances. I told him he needs help, he is an alcoholic and has anger issues. He said nothing is wrong with him and he won't stop having his fun. That he works and is graduating from college next month, that he isn't doing anything wrong and he won't get help because he doesnt' need help. I told him that when he is ready to accept the fact that he does have issues then his family will be there with open arms to help him heal. But until then, I can no longer live this way, feel afraid and watch him destroy his life before it has even started. That if he wants to live that life, he can do so in the streets or wherever, but I love him too much to watch him go down this path any longer. He acted like it didn't even phase him. Like he didn't even care that I was making him leave and he even tried to shift some blame on me, but my daughters defended me reminding him of what a good mother I have been to all 4 of them and they are angry how disrespectful he is to me.

    I cried myself to sleep and have been depressed all day. The guilt of making him leave is eating me up alive, although everyone says it was the right thing.

    I am so glad I found this site. And someone had posted the "3 C's" which helped me feel a little better. "You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it."

    I hope and pray my son will soon realize that he does have a problem and he needs help. He thinks because he works, is graduating from college that he is doing everything right and so what if he likes to have fun and drink. But he doesn't see what he is doing to himself and his family. His sisters love him but they don't want to be around him. I am truly heartbroken and hope for words of inspiration and shared stories from the other parents on this site.

    Thank you all for hearing me out.
     
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Bless you. Just reading what you wrote I can so hear your pain and your fear and your courage. You did the right thing.

    I am so sorry your precious son is an alcoholic. My son who is 24.5 years old has has some of the same behavior in the past.

    There are others who will come along here soon and talk and I am on my phone and not at the computer so I will keep this short for now.

    You are going to be okay. You are setting boundaries about what behavior you will and won't accept in your home and that is exactly what you should do.

    Your son sounds like he has been a high functioning alcoholic until lately. As the disease progresses things get a lot worse.

    Remember he has a disease but he is entirely responsible for his choices and his actions. He is choosing to stay on the path of this behavior today and not to get the help he needs.

    There is nothing you can do to speed that up.

    Today turn your energy on yourself as your other three children. Do at least one kind thing for yourself today.

    We are glad you are here and so sorry for the reason. Hugs and prayers.



    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome, luv. We have been where you are, now. You did the right thing. I hope with all my heart that the shock of having been made to leave brings your son to his senses.

    I am so sorry this is happening, to all of you.

    I think that guilt is a piece of what you are feeling, luv. But in addition to the guilt that comes with making a choice and wondering whether it was the right one luv, you have yourself been repeatedly traumatized.

    The terminated pregnancy was your first grandchild. It isn't only your son who is in shock, who has experienced a horrifying loss. You, too, have lost the dream of that first grandchild, of how that would all look and feel.

    I am so sorry, luv. This in itself is a deep and terrible grief.

    Within days of that trauma, your son went into an uncontrollable rage which was directed primarily at you. During the outburst, he targeted your vulnerability over the issue of divorce, blaming and traumatizing you further.

    Though I know you cannot see it now luv, it took courage to face your son's problems without flinching. You have been kind, and very brave, in talking to him as you did, and in insisting that he leave your home.

    There had to be a consequence for his behaviors.

    You did nothing wrong here, luv.

    It is the situation that is wrong.

    It will be helpful to you to spend time with your family, now. Each of your daughters has been traumatized and is suffering that same strange, disbelieving kind of grief we experience when someone we love seems bent of self destruction.

    Please post as often as that feels right. I find posting helps me find my feet, again.

    We need more strength than we possess to face what is happening to our children, luv.

    Cedar
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  4. luvmyfab4

    luvmyfab4 New Member

    Thank you so very much ChildofMine and Scent of Cedar...both your heartfelt, genuine responses have already given me some hope. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts. Thank you again *hugs*
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Sadly, it seems pretty obvious your son is dangerous when he drinks and is an alcoholic. He isn't just going out and having fun. He is getting intoxicated and into trouble while drunk. And it is all the time. It is not his girlfriend's fault or anyone's fault and the only one who can make him stop is himself. If an adult child shows dangerous or threatening behavior, it is appropriate to ask that adult child to leave until he is sober and, at his age, probably if he is sober he will get his act together and want to get his own place. Most adults his age want independence.. Your son will be very dangerous if he becomes a cop with his level of alcohol intoxication. I hope he is tested before they hand him a gun.He needs to recover before he can save anyone else...he has to save himself first.

    Your daughters, not being his mother, can see him more realistically. They seemed to think it was appropriate to make him leave. I think you should try to focus more on those loved ones in your life who are not in trouble and less on your son, whom you can not help. Only he can help himself. It is pointless and hurting to yourself and your other loved ones to let him suck all the energy out of your world. Does he use illegal drugs as well? Has he ever been to a rehab? To an AA meeting?

    Finally, I can strongly suggest trying to go to an Al=Anon meeting with your SO and daughters, if they like. I think those meetings are lifesavers and set us on the right track and mindset. If you decide you don't like the meetings, I still recommend a therapist, privately, because this is hard to do alone. It is also hard at first not to enable our grown children in their destructive paths, but that doesn't help them and it harms us.

    I am sorry you have had to walk this path, and hope your son sees the light soon. But I also hope you learn how to let go of his problems a bit and start enjoying the other aspects of your life. Your son is NOT you. No matter who he blames, he is the one behaving this way. You need to stay healthy and happy for your own peace of mind and to be there and in good shape for your other loved ones who treat you right and are thriving. Just focusing on this one child will destroy you.

    Hugs and wishing you well. We are always here, 24/7, if you need to post.
     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Luv, I think you sound like a very good mom, to your daughters and to your son. In my opinion, there really was nothing else you could do at this point, for yourself and your daughters, and yes, for your son too. You did this BECAUSE you love him, and as you said you can't watch him do this to himself and to the people he loves, underneath his addiction.

    My son also gets very angry and dangerous when he drinks. At 20 he was drinking a pint of vodka a day. He lost his job and flunked out of college, twice. But he didn't think he had a problem.

    One day he woke up with blood all over the place and the windows in his apartment broken out. He had done that in a blackout, then passed out, and couldn't remember doing it. He was very lucky, that he didn't cut something life-threatening open, or hurt someone else in his blackout state. And he STILL didn't think he had a problem, couldn't understand why we wouldn't let him move back home with us, why we would think he needed help.

    Everyone but him could see that he was in Hell, a Hell of his own choosing and his own making.

    All we can do is let the consequences of their choices play themselves out, and hope that in doing so, THEY decide to take their blinders off.

    Like the others, I am sure that this has been so traumatizing for yourself and for your daughters, getting to this point. I hope that you will focus on healing for yourself and the girls today.
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, welcome to the site but sorry you had to find us.

    I think many of us have been through similar things. It is so hard to tell your own child they have to leave but sometimes that is all there is left. I have 3 boys who are all grown adults. My youngest is the biggest problem. We have kicked him out several times.

    One thing in your post really does worry me is the career path he has chosen. He cant work in criminal justice if he has alcohol and anger issues. It will end up in some sort of tragedy. My middle son is a deputy sheriff and he could have never gotten where he is if he was addicted to anything. I doubt your son would even pass the psychological.

    Now my youngest son is an addict and I have had to just detach from him at this point. He also doesnt want help at this point so any conversations are pointless.

    I really hope your son wakes up before he does ruin his life.
     
  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Luv, I admire you so much for making the difficult, but TOTALLY right, choice that you did. It is so hard to tell a beloved, but sick, adult child that they can no longer live at home. We had to do this a couple of months ago when our difficult child 20 y/o daughter wanted to move back in. I told her that I could not go back to living in another reign of terror ( being hit, bitten, cursed at, chased, etc.). She is bipolar and had stopped take her medications--attempted suicide in February. Our actions of refusing to let her live here were necessary for her to examine her life and make some much-needed changes. She's presently taking her medications, and has found an apartment mate/romantic interest and job. I just take it one day at a time.

    You simply have to detach yourself from their bad choices, or you'll be swept along. I have a favorite mantra which is a Zen proverb, "Let go, or be dragged." It's so true for all of us here.

    Please keep us posted!
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Luv, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through all of this with your son.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it is helpful to many of us.

    I believe you made the right choice. That doesn't mean you feel good about it, but it is the right choice for you and the rest of your family.

    There is little if anything we can do to change the mind or the behaviors of an adult. You can't control his life or his choices. You didn't create this, he did, and he is the only one who can change it.

    In my opinion, what needs to happen next is for you to find support for YOU. Many parents find solace in Families Anonymous, Al Anon and other 12 step groups. It helps us to tell our stories to other like minded folks who are dealing with similar issues. If you don't already, you might find a therapist to help you sort through your feelings, express yourself, get info on detachment, find tools to help you cope and so that you feel understood. You haven't done anything wrong. Letting go of trying to control the choices our kids make and reclaiming our own lives after our lives have been shattered by the behaviors of our adult kids usually requires a lot of support. It is a difficult path.

    When our kids go off the rails, a natural tendency is for us to feel guilty, for us to make the assumption that it is likely something we did or didn't do. However, once our kids turn into adults, they are responsible for their choices and their behaviors. Guilt will keep you stuck in continuing to help him. At this point helping him is not productive, he is not changing. He won't change until HE is ready to. He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. There is nothing YOU can do to make him stop drinking, only he can make that choice. Your job is to protect yourself and find your joy and your peace. The way I know to do that is to get yourself as much support as you can. Support for YOU. You deserve to have a calm, fulfilling, comfortable life. Stay the course. Many of us here have made similar choices. Continue posting, it helps. Wishing you serenity.
     
Loading...