Feel like giving up

[Californiablonde]

I screwed up at work twice today. This has been a bad week all the way around and today isn't any better. Sometimes I feel like giving up and going on permanent bipolar disability. I don't feel strong. I feel like I'll never be stable. How much does disability pay a month, anyway? I don't even know if I could survive living off of it. I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just curious.

 

[cubsgirl]

Don't give up now. Remember you have a psychiatrist appointment with a new psychiatrist soon. Give him/her a chance. SSDI will probably be less than what you make but it is based upon your income. I get SSDI. You have to be off work and unable to work for at least a year in order to qualify. Hang in there - I think there will be brighter days ahead.

 

[Californiablonde]

So I would have to be off of work for a whole year before I apply?

 

[Star*]

What about a new job where your appreciated for your work........and forgiven for your mistakes? Sounds like your just having a bad month.....and it's breeding self contempt...and with no support in the real world? Its kind of hard to dig out of the pit you think your in. It would take a few words of kindness and understanding from people around you......to start building your self confidence back. I think your self esteem is also shot.....start small - POSITIVE WORDS OF AFFIRMATION - for yourself......look for a new place to work....and go from there. Something obviously while you keep your job.,,but with less stress.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

I'm on SSDI and work part time. You're allowed to work a certain number of hours. There are accomodations for me at work. Mood disorders especially bipolar can make it very difficult to do a good job because of our shifting moods. I get about $700/month for SSDI and then my kids all got $250 until they turned eighteen. So it did help, but it's not a fortune. In my case, I had a lot of trouble keeping jobs because of the mood problems and the various neurological/learning issues (like face blindness and spatial orientation problems) that often stop me from being able to do simple tasks. I got fired a lot. I think they took that into account. It's a personal choice, but I feel much calmer knowing at least some money will come in every month and that I can take a calmer job with accommodations, which I need.

Along with the social security disability, I also get Medicare/Medicaid although I may not be able to keep the Medicaid after my daughter turns eighteen.

If you have the ability to work, both mentally and cognitively, it may be better to keep doing it.

 

[buddy]

So I
would have to be off of work for a whole year before I apply?

No not able to work for at least a yr. I think that's what she means.

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time lately. Are you making notes of your problems so that your new psychiatrist and you can see if it indicates a specific area that needs to be readdressed or addressed differently. For example, is it the short term memory problem? executive functioning problem? problems being on time?.....whtaever.....if there is a real pattern that shows up (sometimes unexpectedly) it might help identify a solution. Good luck. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

DDD... are you suggesting that CB do up a "parent report" on herself? I hadn't thought of that - and might do it for myself - now that I think about it. It's a good way to organize the raft of materials that complex cases generate... be it our difficult child kids, or ourselves, or others who we are caregivers for...

 

[DDD]

Yep. LOL DDD

 

[Californiablonde]

Well thanks everyone. I just had a really bad day yesterday. I normally don't screw up. I've been at my job for seven years and I really do like it so getting another job is not an option for me. I love working for the school district and getting off all the holidays that my kids do and not working summers. I don't want a regular job. I am content where I'm at right now. I just wish I were stable enough to where I don't have to fake happiness every single damn day. And the night time anxiety is unbearable. I don't know what I'm gonna do if this new psychiatrist gives up on me like the last one did. There's got to be something else out there to help me. There just has to be.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sometimes we have to go into Warrior Mom mode... on our own behalf.
You can do it... and we're behind you.
Keep working every option you have - at least you HAVE a new psychiatrist to try to work with.
If that fails? There will be other things to try.

 

[DammitJanet]

I do have a Self Medical Report on myself that I adjusted from the Parent Report. I started it years ago after I started the one on Cory. I have long since lost Cory's but I still have mine.

As far as going for SSDI, yes its true about the year, CA is one of the few states that do have a short term disability program to tide people over until they get Social Security disability however you do have to pay the state back when you get the Social Security. Something to think about. You can go on the SSA.gov to see what you would get as disability.

 

[Californiablonde]

Thanks, it was just a thought. I still have well over twenty working years left in me, so I think I'm a little too young to give up just yet. Gosh, when I put it like that, it seems like a looooong time! I think I can make it though. I've made it this far, and I think I still have some medication options left before I totally give up. At least that's what I'm hoping. I hope this new psychiatrist doesn't just give up on me like the last one did.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well thanks everyone. I just had a really bad day yesterday. I normally don't screw up. I've been at my job for seven years and I really do like it so getting another job is not an option for me. I love working for the school district and getting off all the holidays that my kids do and not working summers. I don't want a regular job. I am content where I'm at right now. I just wish I were stable enough to where I don't have to fake happiness every single damn day. And the night time anxiety is unbearable. I don't know what I'm gonna do if this new psychiatrist gives up on me like the last one did. There's got to be something else out there to help me. There just has to be.

Remember, everyone has bad days.....I have had those days where it seems I can't do anything right. It happens to the best of us. Just need to wipe the dust off your shoulder and carry on. I've stopped feeling so bad when I make a mistake. No one is perfect.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well lately I'm having more bad days than normal because I have once again slipped into a depression. It's just a low level sadness. I've been much, much worse in the past so right now this depression is mild. I can still listen to and appreciate my music, laugh with my boyfriend, etc. I just feel blah. Oh and this night time anxiety is killing me. I fear going to sleep each night because I have an irrational phobia of sleepwalking and doing something dangerous. No matter how hard I try to talk myself down from it, it's still there. I ask my mom to say a prayer for me every night so nothing bad happens. I hope this new psychiatrist really knows his stuff cause I am desperate for help.